The Chimp is sick of flying, really sick of it.
And the reason Chimp is sick of flying? Other simians, that’s the problem, other simians and their horrifically selfish need to take their own screaming abortion dodgers on the plane with them, so everyone, even those that have stumped up for premium economy precisely to get away from this sort of thing can suffer for 12 hours with them as their ugly offspring screech the entire journey – but we mustn’t say anything of course, they can’t help it.
Chimp can’t face it, Chimp won’t face it and neither will Chimp’s significant Lady Chimp other.
Hence the Chimp's decision to take a boat all the way from his domicile in very occasionally sunny but mostly overcast flat in Brighton to Port Klang in Malaysia.
The boat in question will be a Frenchie freighter stuffed full of containers holding those essential items the South East Asians are crying out for, like toasters and Lego (possibly).
The Chimp and Chimp’s significant Lady Chimp other will be two of only about five passengers along with twenty or so surly sea-folk who for one reason or another (mostly the money I guess) spend their lives traversing thousands of miles of salty tears.
On board the vessel conditions will be harsh and basic, with only a small pool, a small gym, a small library and a tidy mess to sustain him. Chimp’s cabin will be furnished with only an en-suite bathroom, television, dvd player and a comfortable seating area - yes, the Chimp will soon certainly know what it is to rough it.
The journey (actual journey, not some annoying personal journey - there will be no personal journey), the journey will be an arduous 25 days at sea, during which, with the Chimp’s relative lack of sea legs (he's much more of a land and tree mammal) he fully expects to lose a significant amount of monkey blubber overboard.
There will be dangers of course, the main one being pirates - although the Chimp is sure that with his own vast experience of pirating (making CD's for fellow simians, downloading all the latest top quality telly from the states) - he will be able to find some common ground with the cut-throat Somalians who routinely capture and hold to ransom foreign freighters traveling through the Suez Canal - but more on that another time.
Once he has arrived in Malaysia the adventure (holiday) will really begin as the Chimp does his best to relax without comics, movies, gigs, jumpers and Xboxes. With only delicious food, exotic locations, fabulous weather, beautiful beaches, his significant Lady Chimp other to keep him safe and secure (and to make all the important decisions) and the small amount of money he has left in the UK enabling him to live here, abroad, like a relatively hard up King.
Next: Rules for this travel blog.