The truth via Valentine card

We'll it's that time of year again when fake sentiments written by someone more articulate and creative than you are wrapped in paper envelopes and received with disappointment and disdain (in my experience anyway...).

Maybe that isn't the case for you (I don't know who the hell I'm talking to, I've pretty much alienated all my family, friends, co-workers, blog chums and now even my dog - yep, i'm pretty much talking to myself here) but in case it is here are a few card ideas you may like to cut out and send to that special someone.... or something, I don't judge.

I'm such a terrible romantic... literally terrible...

The Middle Class Child 12.11.8

Lizzie Jenkins and her almost thirteen-year-old daughter Esmé Jenkins-Strathmore (twelve years, eleven months and 8 days) are on holiday together at a beautiful coastal resort in Cambodia.

Esmé is unaware that only a relatively few short years ago this popular holiday destination for predominately Western tourists saw unimaginable horror during the regime of The Khmer Rouge, with over a million Cambodians, out of a total population of 8 million, dying from executions, overwork, starvation and disease.

All Esmé is aware of is the endless sandy beaches and the blisteringly hot sun which both her and her mother take care to protect themselves from whilst they work on their tans.

Her mother Lizzie intends to take Esmé to one of the many historic Killing Fields sites which she sees as part of Esmé’s world education, but not until late in the second week so as not to spoil her holiday in Cambodia. Ultimately this does not transpire, however Lizzie determines to discuss the history of the country with Esmé during the flight home. This also does not happen.

Recently split up from her ‘insufferable’ writer ex-boyfriend, Lizzie is starting to feel that time is running out for her to be truly happy, or even just content with her life. ‘Maybe just some time away somewhere sunny is the answer’, she thought to herself as she flicked through the listings on Tripadvisor.com a few weeks previously.

With her brother now permanently living with her father Marcus and his new family, Esmé is secretly pleased that it will be just her and her mother on holiday together. It had seemed like such a long time since they had had any fun together, in fact Esmé could hardly remember the last time she had seen her mother smile, let alone laugh.

By the second half of the break Lizzie is feeling relaxed, comfortably dividing her time between the beach and the resort bar. Esmé on the other hand spends a lot of her time with a sixteen-year-old Dutch boy called Gan, who is holidaying without his parents for the very first time.

During the next couple of days Esmé will try marijuana cigarettes and sexual intercourse for the first time.

She will leave Cambodia with the opinion that whilst she enjoyed having sex, she much preferred smoking joints as it made her feel quite lovely, helped her forget about all the sad things in her life, like her mother, and it lasted longer.

Britain bought out by Crocs.

BREAKING NEWS:

With the stock price plummeting and redundancies escalating at an alarming rate, Great Britain has been in danger of a corporate buy-out for some time now and today it was officially announced that Crocs, the manufacturer of ‘injection molded day-glo plastic clogs’, has bought out Great Britain for one pound and will commence the massive task of re-branding and re-training of Britain’s 60 million employees.

How the UK will look by 2010

Crocs are undoubtedly the smash hit fashion accessory of this decade and in the words of their own unique advertising campaign, ‘The single ugliest item of clothing ever created™’. Crocs put their success down to the simple fact that the design free and cheap-to-produce plastic clogs are absolutely irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers.

“Obviously our first move will be to ensure all our team wear Crocs” announced the company’s Dutch chairman Bo Gan Shuuse, “And then we will be working town by town, colouring each in a bright and exciting colour, some will be primary, some will be secondary and others will be more pastel in tone.”

PINK FOR BRIGHTON?

It is currently understood that London has already been designated as orange, with Birmingham and Manchester brown and lilac respectively. Further town colours will be decided in the next few weeks.

Britain has previously faced buy-out on several occasions, most notably during the crash of the late eighties when Amstrad expressed an interest. However it is only now that this abrupt sell-off of Britain, severely weakened by a cynical, shortsighted and morally bankrupt board of directors, has become a reality.

During a hastily organised press conference in one of the eight Oxford Street Croc shops, Britain’s current MD, Gordon Brown, hailed the news as ‘acceptable’, stating that “we were initially hoping that Apple would be bidding for Britain or even Starbucks at a push, but neither were interested due in large part to our work-forces’ growing love for infantile, tasteless footwear. At that point we realised that Crocs is a perfect match.”

BRAND RANT

The move has garnered predictable outrage from Britain’s militant union the BBC, whose leader Russell Brand claimed that the take-over was, “A f**kin’ disgrace”.

In a statement which Brand himself shouted out in the middle of the Lakeside Shopping Centre food court KFC, he bellowed that Brown was ‘once again short f**kin’ selling Blighty’ and that he himself would never wear a pair of Crocs, quickly adding “Not unless they are free, black and I can make a couple of quid from the celebrity endorsement”.

It took Brand’s own party members a further 4 hours to end his rambling speech, in which he lashed out at such targets as ‘the footie’, ‘funny things from yesteryear’ and ‘my discoloured willie’. The speech subsequently emptied both Lakeside Shopping Centre and much of Thurrock.

Brand’s dismissal of Crocs is particularly ironic; Brand has also described himself in the past as being irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers. However, Crocs have never been called ‘talentless’ or described as an obnoxious gobshite middle-class teenage Robert Smith wannabe prick.

SPAZTANIA

Speculation is now rife as to whether Crocs will change Great Britain’s historic brand name, with a suggestion that by the end of 2009 the former UK will be known as either ‘Croc Britain’, The United Crocdom’ or more simply ‘Spaztania’.

Bo Gan Shuuse elaborated on the current geo-political situation, “Where once the world was fought over on ideological grounds, now it is the footwear manufactures that vie for dominance”.

Crocs currently control much of Western Europe and at least 45% of Asia, whereas Australasia is controlled by Havaianas and the Americas by Converse. As a footnote to this, Birkenstock do not own any continental landmass but they do have more retail outlets then taste should allow.

I got a letter the other day...

Priceless.

It's stuff like this that brings joy to my cynical heart... I received this email yesterday morning;


Hi there!

I recently searched online and came across your blog and came across your interview with the Bliss editor, Helen Jenkins. I am currently a third year journalism student and doing my dissertation on the sexual content in teenage magazines and was wondering if I could include your interview? Just need to verify with you that it is truthful and it was conducted, etc etc...I know that sounds silly but it needs to be done! Do let me know if you can let me use it, as soon as possible... Also, any further information on the interview would be great.

Thanks so much for your help.

I look forward to your reply.

Thanks,

Jennifer.


This is the post she is referring to;

Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking!

I can only assume she never actually read the post because lets face it, I ain't being subtle here.

This is almost as good as all the attention I got from the castration folk over my Castrato Academy I did a few years back.

Well, that's it, I'm definitely getting me one of those personal websites when I get back, all flashy like. I might even try my hand again at some satire, subtle or otherwise... and then maybe I'll get a job...

Leaving the tropical Island we're currently on and heading back home to England in 16 days. Is it true no one has a job there anymore and that it now resembles the future earth from the Terminator movies... only with more crappy telly?

Herge OUT.

The Lonely Lemon

They called it the last great unfilmable work, but I've proved them all wrong and filmed it.

For your viewing pleasure I suggest you play it with either the sound turned UP or with headphones in.

Enjoy...



For the source material click here.

Confirmation on CRAP ANIMALS No.6

As most of you will know I am a blogger of the highest dedication, and as such I have traveled halfway across the planet to check a few facts out on a post I originally wrote when I was about 14 years old - Crap Animals No.6 The Koala (reprinted below for your convenience).

Well, now having spent a good 5 minutes studying this animal up close and in the wild (the Great Ottaway National Park - Victoria, Australia) I can confirm that Koalas are:

 A. Crap

 B. Animals.

Enjoy the (small amount of) footage below which I hoped was going to show bumbling tourists getting their cameras rammed up their bums by uppity Koalas. Unfortunately this particular Ewok rip-off was far too monged on eucalyptus to give a stuff about the throng of cooing shutterbugs buzzing around him. 



The original post...

I branded this one earlier, he put up quite a struggle, but I got 'im.

This is taken directly from the Australian Koala Foundation website;

“Koalas mean so much to the world. Even the hardest human heart melts when it comes into close contact with them - especially in the wild”

How much longer are we going to have to endure this incessant sentimentality for anything that looks vaguely like a teddy? It is this kind of crap that sank Return of the Jedi; you can be certain it will sink us.

And, if they are soooo ‘special’ that they can, ‘melt the hardest human heart’ then why are they currently endangered? – well, not actually endangered, but vulnerable in a number of Australian States. The truth is, if they weren’t such fussy bloodly eaters they wouldn’t be in the shit they are in.

Anyway, to prove that I know what I’m talking about, and why the Koala deserves to a member of ‘Crap Animals’, I have complied (or stolen from the Koala Foundation website) some interesting facts about the KOALA BEAR.

Example of the weird two headed koala.

Please Note: Not a single word has been altered from the original

1. They are not bears; although they are as crap as most bears (particularly our friend the Panda) they are MARSUPIALS, which means that they can carry their keys and fags in their pouch. Very handy for a night out down town.

2. Koalas are mostly NOCTURNAL animals. This means that they sleep in the daytime, and move around and feed at night just like vampires and the unemployed.

3. The male koala has a dark scent gland in the centre of his chest. He rubs this on the tree in order to mark his territory. This is known as ‘rubbing one off’, or ‘having a crafty grind'. Koalas will often become agitated or embarrassed if they are caught doing this by their mums.

4. Koalas also communicate with each other by making a noise like a snore and then a belch, known as a "bellow" – very much like our ‘Northerner’. (or ‘Morlock’ as they are also known)

5. Koala young are known as 'joeys', or ‘joey deacons’ or ‘deacon’ or just simply ‘eeerrrrr’.

6. There are about 600 varieties of eucalypts. Koalas Australia wide eat only about 120 of these. Koalas in a specific area would prefer to eat only about 4-6 different types, because they are uptight fussy little bastards who are a right fucker to cook for and are rarely appreciative of any of the effort you have gone to - often complaining that the rice is over cooked.

7. Eucalypts (gumtrees) are both food and homes for the koalas – which Is incredibly stupid, if you think about it.

8. When koalas become upset and worried ("stressed" – the sensitive souls that they are) by the loss of their homes (because they ate it, presumably) they may get " Chlamydia" or “Dirty bitchticus”

This is obviously a great excuse for giving someone this sexually transmitted disease.

9. Probably around 100,000 koalas remain in Australia – and I have a question – were they originally the British criminal underclass, like the rest of white Australia?

10. They look cute, like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi.

Ahhh, he's a cutey... bless him, I just want to give him a big cuddle.

So anyway, enough of the negative ninny stuff - here are my top tips for getting the Koala back in the game and stepping up the evolutionary ladder:

1. Eat other stuff.

Seriously, this addiction to eucalyptus was sweet to start with, but man - is that now getting old fast.

Treat yourself, have a lovely bit of pain de champagne from your local patisserie, some delicious organic butter, a couple of leaves of a sweet lettuce, couple of cherry tomatoes, a slice or two of good mature English cheddar – and bam! – Problem sorted.

2. Don’t get so stressed out – take a Ritalin, Lustral or even dope up on some Prozac, just chill. Worrying all the time is not going to solve anything. Have you thought about getting a hobby? And before you ask - no!- picking bits of eucalyptus out of your teeth ain’t a hobby.

3. Get rid of that cuddly bear image. It is just so 1983. What you need is to present yourself as a dangerous, territorial killer. Hire yourself some good PR people and get known. Maybe even sign up for the next Australian Big Brother. At the very least, it will be secure housing for a couple of weeks.

If the Koala can get off its arse and make these changes then I will be the first to suggest that they are removed from Crap Animals. (into the new, sub-category ‘not quite so crap animals).

"What you fucking looking at?"

But let’s face it, these lazy shits ain’t doing squat.

Previous 'Crap Animals'

No.35 The Wasp
No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra
No.12 Human Children

Top 5 predictions for 2008 - RESULTS SPECIAL

We’re already at the end of 2008 which means it’s almost time for Angry Chimps top 5 predictions for 2009.

Before however, that it is now traditional to take a look back at last years predictions and 5 from last year and the unnerving accuracy of my predictions – here they are again;

1. All new film releases will be ‘remakes’ (or ‘reimagining’ if you’re a gullible twat) – SPOT ON.
In fact it turned out I was a little conservative here as most new films released in 2008 were remakes of other remakes made within the last 5 years; but I was close enough. Personally, I prefer a remake than an original piece of work – when I go to the cinema I don’t want to be ‘challenged’ by a new story or interesting new ideas, I just want more of the same, that’s why I also enjoy the work of Coldplay and the comedy of Little Britain.

2. Everyone under the age of 25 will become a TV celebrity and feature in at least one article on E! News or Heat Magazine – ABSOLUTELY.
Universal celebrity has become one western cultures proudest achievement this century. You remember the campaign from the 90’s right? ‘Leave no spoiled, self-obsessed, egotistical, morally bankrupt, whorish, talentless, vile spawn of Satan behind’. Heart-warming.

3. Nepotism would become the only requisite on Curriculum Vitae – SO TRUE.
Let’s face it, it was about time. Why mess around with ability, skills and suitability when you can just employ the offspring of someone who had those skills –its nature NOT nurture, right? Makes me feel better knowing that everyone in business, the media and the entertainment industry has the same surname and eats at the same table at Christmas as the man or woman who had the job previously. Imagine how much harder it is to go to all the effort of auditions and castings for your new play when you can just put your daughter Keira in it instead – oh, and does he have a brother because audiences love an Affleck.

4. Apple will release a new version of all their product range every day ensuring that you always feel ripped off - YOU BETCHYA.
The commitment shown by the Apple corporation this year has been outstanding, even with all their dealings in stem-cell research and cloning to finally develop the iPerson (with the next version of iPerson released a week after you get yours – only this one will have a mouth that goes twice as fast) they still manage to update their entire product range almost daily. It’s marvellous, and only heartless cynics would suggest they simply hold back new features and gizmos from each subsequent release purely to get us consumer sheep to slavishly by the next iPod because it has half a gig more memory, will make you a cup of coffee in the morning, emit small puffs of sweet smelling ‘fresh Apple store smell’ and will give you a very decent neck message when you come home stressed from a hard day working for the son of the daughter of the nephew of the cousin of the man who started your company at the beginning of the quarter.

5. The ‘End of Days’ finally came – RIGHT.
You’ve probably already forgotten this happening. Remember back in September when the anti-Christ rose from the depth of hell and finally took control of the Earth unleashing his evil hordes to bring death, disease, pestilence and generally bad television to the world? Ironically most people didn’t notice figuring it was business as usual, and those that did applauded the fact that upon his arrival he immediately sacked Bush from office on the basis that he really didn’t need ‘evil competition’.

So, pretty good year for my predictions – coming soon are my 2009 predictions, and as always if you have any predictions of your own please let me know.

I'm in Singapore today. It's clean, I like it.

Sunday movie quiz - Yep, it was FARGO

Yep - It was Fargo.

And here is a clip of the scene I took it from...

The winner is Jo who will get some rock, but due to my massive generosity the following will also be getting rock - Garfer, Sniffy and Piggy. Now I will be expecting both Sniffy and Piggy to post piccies of you both eating your rock - Garfer is exempt  as I know he is camera shy. 

Next time the quiz will be a lot tougher. 

_____________________________________________

Okay, this one went a little better. 

A relatively straightforward quiz this - watch the clip and tell me which film it's from. Answers on a postcard please, or the comment box which will probably be much quicker. 

There is a prize this time; a lovely stick of genuine Brighton Rock - I know, right? Amazing! It does mean I'll need to walk down to the pier to get it, but never mind.

I know, more robots right?, I'm obsessed with the robots...

I'm a bit concerned that this is too easy,  oh well, if you guys get it straight away I'll just have to make the next one much harder.

Garfer - email me your address, you're getting a stick of rock for getting the last one correct. 

My email address is on my profile (for a bit).

DX9878986TYNX51791b for short...

Okay, this didn't really go as well as I wanted. One of those things that you think half way through, 'I can't really be arsed with this', but by which stage I'd already put some effort in, so I figured I should finish it.

There's numerous things wrong with it; 'suppose it's good practice.

See what you think...

I have a couple of other ideas I'll stick up once done...

Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan at St Georges Rd Church, Brighton

It certainly was the oddest venue I've been to. Literally the church just up the road. 

Bloody bins overflowing - typical of Brighton.

Fortunately there weren't pews but actual not-that-uncomfortable chairs.  But it was still a church with us parishioners faced forward toward the band who gigged in the bit that is normally reserved for the harvest festival layout and stuff - You can tell I'm clearly not a regular church goer, right? 

I was concerned that a church would make for a shitty venue, but then I guess religious types have been swearing by churches as the go-to venue for donkeys... turns out for once they were right; the sound was actually terrific, and despite the my initial thought that the place would be bit echoey this really added to the atmosphere.

They even served booze from a little table at the back, with the menu consisting of two types of cans of larger, bottled water and wine; red or white. Like a works do picnic. I know god goes all giggly for wine but does he dig Red Stripe larger as well? 

Very civilized. In fact, my chum that came with' said it was the most civilized gig he'd ever been to, and I agree. Everyone was seated for a start - I have never been to a seated gig before, I normally would consider this crazy behaviour, akin to moshing at an opera. But the truth is, the last few gigs I've been to this last month or so, have been murder on my pins. Sitting for the 90+ mins the pair performed was a pleasure. 

The audience was made up of Brighton's most middle class, mid-30's 'but-still-think-they're-with-it's' (of which I am most definitely one), and they were as well behaved and respectful of one-another as you'd expect from such a motley bunch. Absolutely inappropriate at a gig, of course. If I'm not being constantly jostled from behind, having beer spilt on me, idiots in front pogo-ing into me and at least two occasions of me giving someone the evil-eye prior to some confrontation, I don't feel like I've been to a proper gig. 

Regardless of this I thoroughly enjoyed the night. 

I am definitely getting old. 

Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell have put out two albums so far and an EP. The first album was the well received 'Ballad of the Broken Seas', and their latest collaboration is called, 'Sunday at Devil Dirt'. 

Their music is a mix of country, blues and rock. Most curious indeed, and very reflective of their musical backgrounds. 

Isobel is an occasional solo artist. She started with uber twee Scot rockers Belle and Sebastian as cellist, keyboard player and occasional singer. Since then she's put out a couple of country-esq discs. She was a breathy singing voice, almost dreamlike at times. 

 

Mark is a former grunger. He was (originally) the drummer and then singer for Seattle grunge band Screaming Trees. Since they split he pursed a solo career and regularly collaborates with one of my favourite bands, Queens of the Stone Age. I saw him about a month ago with one of his side projects, The Gutter Twins (where he sings with former Afghan Whigs frontman Greg Dulli). 

 

Campbell and Lanegan are a combination that really shouldn't work, but it does. Lanegan's deep growling vocals, and Campbell's serene breathy singing voice, almost dreamlike at times, combine in such a beautiful way...

Here's a little taster:

It's noice isn't it?

Le Cochon de Bonheur: Tension dans la salle de bain 3 (NOW WITH ADDED SOUND EFFECT)

Here it is, now partly revised, the final part in the Tension Trilogy (there will be NO more). 

Hopefully this answers some questions regarding some of the deep and meaningful stuff that came up in the previous two short movies. 

This really is my Return of the King; it's overblown, over long and by christ, it does not know when to end. 

Anyway hope you enjoy it. I'm off to see Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegen at the little Church venue 1 min from my flat. Noice. 

Isobel and Mark clip here 

Enjoy. 

Revelation Choquante! (Tension dans la salle de bain 2)

Or... My Sunday afternoon movie project. 

Enjoy...

Via Flickr and then YouTube - the flickr version I think is slightly better quality. 

Saturday afternoon movie project

A little film created with my digi camera and the very basic iMovie...

If only I had a video camera, some decent ideas, a ton of cash and my youth back.

And now it's on YouTube - where it looks a bit crappier.

101 Reason's I'm going travelling - No.1

This was the most exciting part of my day: 

The fact that these aren't my eggs, this isn't my pan and that ain't my stove does not help to make this more thrilling.

 

These eggs were cooked in London SE1 - which to some may seem moderately more exciting, but I'm here to tell you it ain't. South East London (like most of London) is noisy, dirty, smelly and very busy. 

To be fair to the eggs they did form part of a delicious Jabob's Cream Crackers, butter and sliced boiled egg afternoon snack combo. I washed this down with a cup of tea, with one sugar, but no biccies - boo. 

I bought a little Canon Powershot in the US last year (think they're called the canon ixus here), I'm not at all a camera bod (unlike experts Sniffy and my lovely pal edwaado), however, I am very pleased with it; it's 8 mega pix which I think is noice and the little video facility isn't bad either (hence the little video, which is my first attempt to upload video to flickr and then onto the blog; this should be useful in South East Asia). 

Combined with iphoto on my macbook everything is piss easy, even for a total dobber like me. 

Art

Thinking of going along to the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition on Monday. Tracey Emin is curating a gallery for the exhibition and this is already getting up the noses of the mass media who gleefully vilify anything Emin does, They understandably do this for two reasons;

1. Emin is a clever woman.

2. Emin is a clever woman.

I'm very fond of Emin's work which is much more than just My Bed; her monoprints from some years back are beautiful as is her photography and painting.  Check out some more of her work here.

She only curates part of the Summer Exhibition, but this has been enough to rain scorn on the event; to me this is enough reason to take a trip out to see it.

I will of course have my ipod with me; the prospect of listening to the waffle of the other gallery goers is horrific. I'm sure they're not all hideous tossers, but I'm just not willing to take any chances. 

D'oh and a movie quiz

Oops, didn't mean to post that, fucktard, thought I'd bashed draft. Nobber.

See, that's the problem with doing anything early in the morning, you make mistakes, at least I do anyway. I'm not really effective until about 9 o'clock at night, and that only lasts for about 15 minutes.

Movie Quiz

Think it's time for a bit of movie quiz action - this isn't going to be easy peasy but this first one ain't that bad.

Here are two clues to a very popular flick - just name it.

1.  Dead monkey

2. "Ha, I bet you would!"

Simply.

Answers on a comment post please.

London to Brighton: This is NOT the age of the train

End of the Brighton line

Every other week, when the memory of my most recent drive between London Bridge and Brighton is still haunting me like the recurring nightmare of a recently deflowered socially train wrecked teenage at the hands of a toothless, scabies ridden embittered grandmother streetwalker, I decide that maybe the train would be less hassle.

It’s also not nearly as expensive.

Journey breakdown.

CAR

Brighton – London circa 50 miles

Diesel = approx 10 GBP

Congestion charge (outward) = 8 GBP (if I manage to remember to do it)

Congestion charge (return) = 8 GBP (ditto)

Parking (with vouchers) = 3 GBP per day

Total cost = Stacks, like can be over thirty quid sometimes, not to mention if I manage to get clamped, which i have 3 TIMES this year, at 120 GBP a pop. 

Obviously the cost can be reduced if I drive at night/ early in the morning, but seriously, who can be arsed.

Travel time = anywhere between 1.30hrs and 4hrs – honestly, when you set out on that journey it’s anyone’s guess. The only guarentee is if you set out in either direction at 11pm, in which case it can be done in 1hr 15mins.

TRAIN

For some reason I always walk to the station.

Return ticket (within one month and on any network) 25 GBP

Travel time = 30 mins walk to station

                      1hr on the train

                      15 mins walk from station

 

Wow, seems like a much better idea getting the train, right?

Nope.

Invariably, the train is old, dirty, stinky, very noisy and clattering about. The line between Brighton and London is dreadful, probably the result of way too many fat Londoners weekend day trips.

The train ALWAYS has some drunk on it, I think this is a policy. It will also have a number of yoofs. I’m not keen on yoofs for no other reason than they are the black hearted children of Satan.

Last time I got the train a family of about 6 fat, smelly, sweaty, drunken, sun burnt, football shirt wearing, tattooed up, almost to thick to string a coherent sentence together, bulldog puppy worrying, SARF Londoners sat right next to me. They proceeded to SHOUT EVERYTHING SINGLE FING THAT CAME INTO THEIR BLACKHOLE OF A MIND, and let their tick-infested mutt snuffle around unrestrained.

Between Clapham Junction and London Bridge they decided to have an argument about something, I think maybe they were trying to remember if they were related by blood or by Fosters lager. It quickly got heated and one of them stood up and walked to the other end of the carriage continuing to hurl abuse at the rest. Lovely.

I am English, so therefore I pretended nothing was happening; I had my gort nano on loud and a copy of Edge magazine (surprisingly quality videogame monthly rag).

Suffice to say, don’t like it.

In conclusion.

Avoid both London and Brighton. 

However, if you do need to travel, like I do to see the lovely Lou Lou (not a euphemism MJ), well, it may be a cunt in the car (it is if I’m driving) but at least you don’t have to share it with anyone else and you can listen to Radio 4 without someone calling you a tosser to your face.

Upon reflection...

Christ, I hope all my travel posts from the far east aren’t as misanthropic as my UK ones.

What's for dinner Meester Smeef?

Urgh, can’t be arsed to go shopping, going to London tomorrow for a week so really no point anyway.

So, lets see what’s in the fridge…

Hmm…

A couple of manky mushrooms…
Half a week old packet of Feta…
An egg…
Some Parma ham (3 curly slices)
Slowly liquefying bag of salad...
Some chillies…
Half a broccoli…
Some butter…
Almost empty tub of Guacamole…
Bit of a loaf…

So from these humble ingredients I shall be concocting this magnificent feast:

Is that a man in there... or something?...

Wow, tell me how!

It's quite straightforward as long as you follow this very simple guide.

Here’s how:

1. Get the best Thai takeaway menu out of the kitchen drawer where you stuff all the menus that are rammed through your letterbox every day of the week.
2. You’ll need a phone and a credit/ debit card. Alternatively you can use cash, but you will need to get this ready.
3. Phone the Thai place and order a Green Chicken Curry and some rice. I like egg-fried rice because I am a lardy bastard, you may want to try jasmine or steamed rice.
4. Maybe get some of those spicy prawn crackers.
5. Don’t order a starter, I know it’s very tempting but you just won’t finish everything and if you do you will feel bloated and be wracked with feelings of self loathing.
6. Here’s the important bit, speak slowly and clearly when giving your address. Remember the person on the other end of the phone may not use English as a first language, and if they miss hear you because you’re babbling away in that, ‘they should bloody well speak British as good as like what I do’ way that you do from time to time, you won’t get your Thai green curry. And in that circumstance who’s the one to lose out?
7. Agree a payment method.
8. Wait. My local Thai delivers within 20 minutes, depending on which evening it is and their proximity to you, you may be required to wait a little longer.
9. Once it arrives pay the fella and dish up.
10. Stuff your face and feel all happy as the chilli works its magic.

Perfik.

For pudding? Sod off, I've just bloody made dinner, sort your own pud out!

For the love of a beautiful game No 1: REZ HD

I’m a gamer, out and proud... 

... and have been since my parents got me a ZX Spectrum (48K 'natch) when I was 8 or 9. Since then I’ve seen them all come and go, the Commodore 64, the Atari, Megadrive, NES, SNES, Gameboy, PS1, Saturn, Dreamcast, N64, GBA, Gamecube, PS2, DS, Xbox; and I’ve owned and still own most of these and have an antique (esq) wooden trunk full of games.

Currently it’s all about the Wii and Xbox360. Don’t own a PS3 and don’t ever intend to.

I finally got onto Xbox Live at the weekend; this is basically Microsofts console server where you can download games, movies, updates, play games with others etc. 

I was after one thing REZ HD.

REZ originally came out for the Sega Dreamcast in 2001 (Garfer and Piggy already self-outed as owners; the shame of it!).  The Dreamcast was a doomed console from a manufacturer that had lost sight of what had once made it great. It was also not helped by a limited and poor line up of software and very very strong competition from Sony’s marketing giant. The game itself was not a success and due to the relatively few Dreamcast owners out there it disappeared. However due to it's critical success it was deemed worthy enough for a conversion for the Playstation 2 (I think) a year later.

It was moderately more successful but in light of an increasing trend for ‘realistic urban/war’ games such as the Medal of Honor and Grand Theft Auto series it was already somewhat of an anachronism – an on-rails shooter that last only an hour where most games were trading their desireabilty on many many hours of play (anything less than 20 hours of play is still seen as a rip-off). Few could see it's true worth. 

It again disappeared from gaming store shelves and 2^nd hand bins, only to be found on eBay where it was changing hands (for both consoles) at only marginally less than when it was first released (albeit for an elite few, an anathema for the majority of old or 2^nd hand games).

The thing is, REZ is not just a game. When you look at the trailer you can see that it appears to be about the visual and the music, and that is the point. It’s meant to be short because it’s meant to be played in one sitting; an hour of crazy shapes and booming beats that vibrate through your hands and arms until before you know it the games over. And although it does look complicated it is in fact very simple, point and shot. 

Just like a great album it has fantastic replay value; something many games simply do not have.

It looks terrific, and sounds fantastic. I hesitate to call it art because the issue of can games be art is so tired right now, and without the appropriate distance it’s impossible to be subjective. Saying that though, I’m certain REZ will be a contender when the definitive history of the first 100 years of video gaming is written.

Even better, Xbox Live has just released it as a download for only 4.00GBP and it’s in beautiful HD. The game looks absolutely phenomenal; crisp, sharp, colourful and loud. In fact the only thing to change is the HD aspect, everything else is as it was. Perfect. An absolutely bargain

GTA 4 is great, of course, and it may be a fun and bang up to date game now, but unlike REZ it just won’t be being played 8 years from when it was released; unlike REZ it will look old and yesterday.

REZ is pure gaming; fun, crazy and diverting. Sure it ain’t the real world but it has absolutely no pretense to be so.

Maybe next (and on a similar theme): JET SET RADIO FUTURE