That should get bums on seats
It’s been a couple of weeks since I lasted posted a diary entry regarding the production of my ‘ratings grabbing’ disease diary, which was optioned and steam rolled into production for this years’ Oscar’s contention.
Marti Pellowstein, the producer, who previously worked on both of the ‘Overrated Wanker’ 1 & 2 (first staring Jim Carrey and now Will Farrell) assures me that it is exactly this type of movie that gets the Academy wetting themselves. He went on to say that this is especially true if the movie is cranked up to the emotional max; is highly controversial for a really lame reason; is utterly contrived meaning it will be judged harshly in retrospect; and most importantly of all, has a surprise ending that everyone knows. For example: she’s actually a man, he’s actually a woman, he kills her to end her suffering, he’s Tom Hanks.
As Marti keeps saying to me, ‘They won’t cry if you’re brown or foreign; but a nice white middle class boy like you will have them sobbing’. I’m not exactly sure what that means.
Casting is now complete and you’ll be pleased to hear that I’m to be played by Seann William Scott of ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ and ‘Punch me in my talent smug monkey face’ fame. I know this will set alarm bells ringing with many of my fans, who will now be panicking that ‘Stephacockaliticus & Me’ won’t be treated with the sensitivity it demands. Marti has assured me that Seann is committed to bringing this work to the screen with dignity, just as long as there are a couple of fart gags and he gets to ogle MTA’s breasts (MTA = Moron Turned Arsehole).
Fortunately, one of the side affects of the extensive drug therapy used to combat Stephacockaliticus, a virulent fungal infection that affects the balls of the feet and earlobes, is flatulence. Therefore, fart gags will not be a problem. As for the breasts, I am sure they can cram those in, in an entirely appropriate manner.
The only other thing that might raise a few eyebrows is that the movie title has officially changed from ‘Stephacockaliticus & Me’ to ‘Cock & Me’. Marti again assures me this is standard practice and the shorter title is punchier. He claims this will definitely attract the key demographic they are after, the 16-25 mall rats.
I’m still very excited about the movie, and I'm not at all concerned the setting has been changed from a small Midlands’ town in the UK to New York, nor bothered by Marti’s constant remark that, because it’s a disease flick, doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be some gags in it.
The heartfelt reporting of my horrific and noble struggle with this ‘award worthy’ illness is in safe hands. At least that’s what Marti keeps telling me.
More later when I can summon the strength.
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7 comments:
It should really be called 'The Dick and I'. It could then be turned into a full scale Buzby Berkeley style musical, perhaps with a bald headed Bruce Willis as male lead.
This would cover the grey power musical lover demographic, as well as the mall rats.
So who plays Dixon?
You cannot just "cram" breasts in.
They must be delicately manipulated into the script. Otherwise it's just a mammogram
... I suppose that means they're just going to film some lucky (librarian?) receiving a mammogram. there. they just crammed breasts in.
:D
fart gags reek of class! HA! just make sure they pay you out the wazzoo!!
I always thought Billy Connolly did the funniest fart gags, so if these are up to that standard, this should be something to watch...
Herge, I see the rest has done you creative wonders! The ideas flowing again I imagine?
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