Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Stephacockaliticus - The Movie. Producton Diary 1

Steph teaser
What's known as a 'teaser poster'. Builds anticipation in morons.

It has only been a couple of days since I heard that my brave and dignified struggle with the ‘very nasty indeed’ condition of Stephacockaliticus has been optioned and now ‘green lighted’ for a big budget Hollywood adaptation.

It may have been only a couple of days, but to me it feels like it has been a fortnight.

I am, of course, very excited that my diary is to make it to cinema screens, partly because I feel this disease has been brushed under the carpet for far too long, and sufferers have suffered in silence… alone, but bravely and with the utmost dignity at all times.

However, I am mostly excited because it will get me tons of attention and I will be on TV and interviewed in the Guardian weekend magazine and that.

I am particularly excited about being interviewed by Lauren Laverne on that little pop show she has on late night ITV. She is dreamy, and I am certain that my dignity and bravery will impress her, and she may date me whilst I am still in the public’s eye. I do expect to be dumped mind you, just as soon as the public get pig sick of me.

At which point I will probably have a breakdown, losing all dignity and bravery I have built up over the years.

Anyway, that is all in the future – hopefully.

I met with the producer of ‘Stephacockaliticus and me’ this morning at a swanky Worcester Hotel (The Alexandria – famous for having had Churchill once throw up in the bar).

Marti Pellowstein, who previously worked on the teen comedy series ‘Jerking off and tits’ assures me that my material will be handled with sensitivity and although the film will have elements of comedy, this will only be used to juxtapose the intense drama of my struggle with Stephacockaliticus, and will certainly not be overall style of the flick. I believe him; he seems very trustworthy.

Although Marti is in the very early stages of casting the main characters, he has come up with an acting dog to play Dixon in the movie.

The real Dixon - small, weak, stupid - German

Dixon 2
The movie Dixon - big, strong, intelligent - Still German though

Marti told me that his audience research into the type of dog I should own suggested that a Mini Dachshund would suggest that my character was less than masculine, which would seriously undermine my heroic battle with my illness.

He went on to say Dachshunds were gay and that I needed a proper dog,

“This is going to be a serious date-movie, not a fag movie”. He said.

I am not certain what he meant by that, and I pointed out that I have never smoked, and that I had in fact contracted the illness after eating a McDonalds Cheeseburger that an employee had previously used as a hanky.

The filming starts in a week’s time, with a release slatted for the end of year. Marti said that in the old days movies would take years to make, now it was months with the only causalities being the story, the performances and the overall quality.

“The Godfather took Coppola 3 years to make” Said Marti,

“American Pie was shot, cut and released in 8 weeks, I think you’ll agree that’s an improvement”.

Can’t argue with that.


MHN for short said...

Oh Herge~
You are indeed such a tease!

This is so exciting that your moving tale of your disease will be made into a feature film. You didn't even have to submit it to the riggers of an independent film festival. If that doesn't give you hope for the future of your fame, I think nothing will!!!

Great post guy!

Rowan said...

right up there with Michelle, nothing like tooting your own horn here. Let the world Know about Stephacockliblahwhateverdisease.

pissoff said...

At the risk of sounding insensitive Herge, that was hilarious.

Wyndham said...

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Into A Wine Bar.

Herge Smith said...

Hmm... I like that, and may use it as the tag...

garfer said...

I feel that your long, brave battle against Stephacockaliticus would be best presented as a mini series on the Hallmark Channel. Obscure American D list actors with bouffants would no doubt be happy to be appear for a derisory fee. Dixon's inate charisma would also be be more suited to the imtamacy of the small screen.

Wyndham said...

A Hallmark mini-series, I like it -chuck in some giants and Ted Danson and you'll have the Christmas Day afternoon slot on Channel 4. Result!

Herge Smith said...

Hmm, nice idea fellas - but I want big screen first, then z-grade spin off that will slowly gain a cult audience.

We can certainly employee the d-grade bouffants then, Ted Danson can play Dr Wellbeing - a character.. I mean, my doctor who will crop up soon.

Crystal said...

What's known as a 'teaser poster'. Builds anticipation in morons.


Dachshunds are so NOT gay! >:(

Monkey said...

Will there be a fundraising concert for Stephacockaliticus? Will Geldof be involved?

Dixon's movie dog is not nearly as handsome as Dixon. But then all dogs give me the chills.

Rowan said...

You've been tagged by me, Rowan~

thordora said...

Dachshunds aren't gay. They are the asexual stamens of the dog world.

dixon is too cute!

Perdita said...

While I will admit that a Dachshund is an actual dog and therefore the exception that proves the rule that small dogs are not really dogs, they are cats for dog lovers.
A Dachshund actually believes he is a German Shepard so Dixon will not notice any diff. It's like a body double that just solidifies your over active egos body image.

*Dixon: "Finally a body to cash all those checks I've been writing"

Sniffy said...

You need to find a lump too, that'll be the "brilliant twist" that nobody suspects at the beginning. Lumps are very good for films. Grat for tear-jerkers.

Have you decided who the main characters will be? Is it a bit like Kia Ora - just for you and your dog, or will a few crows make it in there too?

I'm looking forward to seeing who's going to play you. Somebody who can bring sensitivity and depth. Somebody big, but not too big.

I'm getting Stephen Fry or Tony Slattery...

Spirit Of Owl said...

I do love a happy ending. Does it have a happy ending? Oh, I hope so. I'll bring tissues.

Herge Smith said...

Hello Monkey! There already has been some talk of a Geldof led fundraiser, but we ditched the idea after Elton John said he wanted to get involved.

Crystal and Thor - Dixon thanks you for the support.

Rowan, tagged with what? I'm already suffering with Stephacockaliticus, ain't that enough?

Perdita - Blimey, you know about Dixons cheque writing? Did she write you one? I'm sorry, those things have been bouncing all over town - and you're right, Dixon has no idea she is as big as German Shepherds shit.

Tina - I once thought had a lump issue with the boys... a story I may reveal later.

How now Mr Owl! I'm sorry, but I can't promise a happy ending, you may need to get the tissues ready (there's some porn coming)

Spirit Of Owl said...

Excellent. I like porn with a happy ending best. And by the way, have you got an e-mail?