Stephacockaliticus - The Movie. Producton Diary 1

What's known as a 'teaser poster'. Builds anticipation in morons.

It has only been a couple of days since I heard that my brave and dignified struggle with the ‘very nasty indeed’ condition of Stephacockaliticus has been optioned and now ‘green lighted’ for a big budget Hollywood adaptation.

It may have been only a couple of days, but to me it feels like it has been a fortnight.

I am, of course, very excited that my diary is to make it to cinema screens, partly because I feel this disease has been brushed under the carpet for far too long, and sufferers have suffered in silence… alone, but bravely and with the utmost dignity at all times.

However, I am mostly excited because it will get me tons of attention and I will be on TV and interviewed in the Guardian weekend magazine and that.

I am particularly excited about being interviewed by Lauren Laverne on that little pop show she has on late night ITV. She is dreamy, and I am certain that my dignity and bravery will impress her, and she may date me whilst I am still in the public’s eye. I do expect to be dumped mind you, just as soon as the public get pig sick of me.

At which point I will probably have a breakdown, losing all dignity and bravery I have built up over the years.

Anyway, that is all in the future – hopefully.

I met with the producer of ‘Stephacockaliticus and me’ this morning at a swanky Worcester Hotel (The Alexandria – famous for having had Churchill once throw up in the bar).

Marti Pellowstein, who previously worked on the teen comedy series ‘Jerking off and tits’ assures me that my material will be handled with sensitivity and although the film will have elements of comedy, this will only be used to juxtapose the intense drama of my struggle with Stephacockaliticus, and will certainly not be overall style of the flick. I believe him; he seems very trustworthy.

Although Marti is in the very early stages of casting the main characters, he has come up with an acting dog to play Dixon in the movie.

The real Dixon - small, weak, stupid - German

The movie Dixon - big, strong, intelligent - Still German though

Marti told me that his audience research into the type of dog I should own suggested that a Mini Dachshund would suggest that my character was less than masculine, which would seriously undermine my heroic battle with my illness.

He went on to say Dachshunds were gay and that I needed a proper dog,

“This is going to be a serious date-movie, not a fag movie”. He said.

I am not certain what he meant by that, and I pointed out that I have never smoked, and that I had in fact contracted the illness after eating a McDonalds Cheeseburger that an employee had previously used as a hanky.

The filming starts in a week’s time, with a release slatted for the end of year. Marti said that in the old days movies would take years to make, now it was months with the only causalities being the story, the performances and the overall quality.

“The Godfather took Coppola 3 years to make” Said Marti,

“American Pie was shot, cut and released in 8 weeks, I think you’ll agree that’s an improvement”.

Can’t argue with that.