The Flatland Gardener - a Triffid update

Little did I realise when I first wrote about my love for that most misunderstood of ‘mobilius’ plants, The Triffid, that it would capture the imagination of my readership as much as it has.

I still get questions daily, regarding my young Triffids’ progress. The volume of calls and emails peaked over the summer with that particularly virulent outbreak of red weed. (Thankfully all now cleared up). With many of you concerned, that The Triffids’ extremely hardly immune system, simply would not cope with the alien menace. Ironically, it turned out that the weeds’ immune system succumbed to that rather nasty root infection known affectionately by gardeners as ‘the cold’.

Wyndham aged 2 weeks

So, with this post I intend to combine an update as to my Triffids’ health, and provide a little bit of background to my fascinating pet, whom I recently named Wyndham (I believe there is also a popular online interweb diarist/ satirist by the same name – purely a coincidence I swear).

The Lucknors, a lovely family, but not lucky with the stingers

I grew Wyndham from a seed, which I purchased at one of the numerous Triffid farms in the Midlands area. The closet farm to me is ‘Triffid Home Farm’ a family run business, which is a franchise of the Arctic and European Oil Company (85% of all Triffid farms are directly or indirectly via franchise owned by the AEOA).

Walter Lucknor and family have been Triffid farmers for almost a quarter of a century. He is an expert ‘docker’ (the process of removing the Triffids’ poisonous stinger) and ‘gelder’ (gelding is the far more ethically friendly process of removing the Triffids’ poison sacks).

This post had 52 commets with a 40/60 in favour of Triffs.

Currently a good quality Triffid seed should set you back no more than about £300, which may initially seem steep, but is certainly comparable to the cost of a Golden Retriever puppy. Obviously there are distinct advantages of having a Triffid over a Retriever puppy, not least of all the fact that the Triffid will typically leave your toilet roll alone.

I potted in early February in the driest area of my South facing enclosed garden. Wyndham was of course pot bound for the first eight weeks, at which point he started to learn to move on his boles (or as they are often referred to, feet). It was at this stage I asked Mr Lucknor to pop round and geld Wyndham. This means he is still able to give a nasty lash with the stinger, if he is agitated, but he cannot deliver a deadly dose of poison.

Difficult first steps.Notice Dixon paw bandaged from a sting.

Mr Lucknor charges in the area of £30-50 per Triffid, dependant on age of Triffid and location. This appears to be in keeping with the majority of Triffid farmers.

It was early July that I put Wyndham forward for a part in the popular blogzine, or webcomic/ sitcom ‘Strangeways, here we come’. The Director initially required a slightly older Triffid, but he was a fan of my weekly gardening column and once he met Wyndham he immediately signed up for the series.

Ahhh, Wyndham with a tiny bit of stage fright.

Wyndham’s first appearance was in episode six, in which he is seen wandering around in the hall, whilst the Father convinces the Son to go fishing. In an interesting twist, the Director went on to cast my dog Dixon in the role of family pet. He was impressed by the interplay between the two, and was pleased this seems to come across in the panels.

Wyndham soon got over his camera shyness.

Of course, having a young Triffid on any working set can lead to some fun and occasionally annoyance. Here are just a couple of scenes that for one reason or another never made it to the final cut of the show

The guy who plays Donald; 'difficult' is the term.

These deleted scenes also include the now notorious ‘Comedy relief cull’ incident, when Wyndham, quite accidentally ate the up and coming comedy duo, Avon and Roj.

Oops.

Tragically, Avon and Roj were about to embark on their first UK tour under their act name 'The Bookshelf Boys'

The promotional flier for the now cancelled show.

Wyndham is slated to appear in 'Strangeways' up to and including the season finale, with an offer to come back for the next series, but at this stage he is keeping his options open.

Ideally, I would like to see Wyndham tackle something a little more weighty, with currently some discussion regarding a webcomic adaptation of the great ‘paranoid fantasist’ novel ‘Day of the Triffids’, a book which arguably put the acceptance of Triffids back 50 years.

Day of the Triffids will be like Braveheart - only not as shit.

The initial suggestion is that the book is to be heavily revised with an emphasis on the Triffids’ struggle to overcome a cruel and barbarous human race. Watch this space for further developments.

In the meantime, be sure to pick up some of the new fashion and leisure items, available soon from most retail outlets, including this fine 100% cotton, pre-shrunk, baseball T-Shirt.

As modelled by a sniffer of cakes.