Friday, August 19, 2005

The Monday Interview by Invisible Lizard

A longer piece now, based on The Monday Interview from
Invisible Lizard' s Unusal Oranges

The Monday Interview - Foamy The Squirrel

Since it was first discovered that Foamy has been blogging under an assumed name (which, according to our lawyers, will *not* be revealed here), we at the Angry Chimp have wanted nothing more than to land an exclusive interview with His Almighty Squirrelness. Apparently, threats of "outing" his online nom de plume (which we can only say contains the words "turniplover" and "wunderkind" – and if you can't figure it out at this point, there's no helping you) were sufficient to garner the favor.

Foamy
Foamy: Well, he kids seem to love him.

1. How long have you been blogging?

I've been blogging since you were drooling over Mrs. Lingonberry's funbags in the seventh grade. I've been blogging since before blogging was even possible. I blogged in morse code by stringing out nuts on the fucking freeway, that's how long I've been blogging. I was the first blogger, ever. "Blogging" is actually squirrel for "Bitching to the universe which may or may not listen." Bet you didn't know that.

2. Why did you start blogging?

I needed a voice, man. A voice! I'm a fucking squirrel. Nobody takes me seriously. But on my blog, I am a GOD. Hordes of lazy myrmidons bow before me and follow my every whim. I've got them making soap at the moment.

3. How many posts have you written to date?

A billion. Something like that. Or... could be fifty. Somewhere between fifty and a billion. Closer to fifty.

4. Which post are you most proud of and why?

I'm proud of each and every one. They come from the heart. I mean, I'm usually high on Mountain Dew and Rediwhip when I write them, but that just helps me find my inner squirrel. Hey, it's deep, serious shit I'm writing here. I guess if I were to break it down to my favs' I'd have to say my ongoing debate on tail grooming positions is right at the top, though I wouldn't throw my "Best With Salty Nuts" piece out of bed,
either.

5. Who was the first person to comment on your blog outside of
friends/family?

Mikey.

6. What would you rather have less visitors but more comments or many
visitors but no comments?

Since all the comments I get anyway are from fucking idiots, I could scrap them in a heartbeat and not lose any sleep. Give me the visitors any day. Once my hit counter reached the seventh digit, it kind of plateau'd, if you know what I mean.

Helen
Helen: Old, but still a fox.

7. Is there something you would like to post about on your blog, but
haven't yet?

Yeah, my date with Helen Mirren with all the juicy details intact. Like that's ever going to happen. Fucking "cease and desist" order. (Helen, call me...)

8. Where do you get your inspiration from for a blog?

Just the stupid shit I see around me every day. You know, like skinheads in line at Starbucks, or PTA mothers boycotting Harry Potter, or Republicans.

9. Do your friends/family read your blog?

Oh, yeah, and I'm about to puke. Germaine's totally bought the "I'm a reformed communist from Utah" story. She's been slobbering over me for about a month now. She's ready to donate her eggs to have my baby. She's my virtual bitch.

10. How many blogs are there in your links list?

I link to every blog that I feel is worthy of my personal attention and support. So... none.

11. Which blog do you check out first and why?

Mine.

12. Do you always leave comments at blogs you read?

All the time. I love leaving annoying spam all over the place signed "Anonymous." I think I do it because I resemble a moldy dog turd, have the general odor of a lump of toe-jam, and sport an incredibly small penis.

13. What do you most like about other blogs?

How inferior they are to my own.

14. What do you most dislike about other blogs?

I hate it when they get funnier than mine. That's when the spam starts flying. So keep it up chuckles, and I'll be all over you like cream cheese on bagels.

15. What single thing would you like to improve about your blog?

Scratch-and-sniff links. They've got computers that can answer your phone, record your favorite TV shows, and make your coffee in the morning, but I still can't duplicate the smell of Pilz-E's sweat socks at the click of a mouse. What the fuck has Microsoft been doing over there in Redmond?

16. In a conversation about your blog, how would you like it described?

Using mutilsyllabic words, with awe and reverence, while facing south and standing on one foot.

Tiny
The aforementioned 'small' penis.

5 comments:

Invisible Lizard said...

LOL... oh, I'm SO not taking responsibility for those graphics.

Foamy said...

Dammit! That's not at all what I look like. And you promised you wouldn't use those pictures. That night was supposed to be our secret, special time together. Bastard. I hope you choke on a Biscotti.

MHN for short said...

giggling!!!!!!

Rowan said...

oh my!

garfer said...

'..skinheads queuing at Starbucks'
Har har har!
All power to the squirrel!