Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Waiting to get home – Part 0ne

Tina mentioned a couple of my really old posts in a comment yesterday - 'Hobbies to talk about in front of your new girlfriends parents' and 'Thoughts whilst queuing in McDonalds'. This post is in a similar vein.

Waiting to get home - Part One.

The flight is delayed of course, and I spend the next seven hours waiting, feeling tense. I manage to exacerbate this by drinking at least five double choc mochas from the coffee cubicle, which is directly opposite the sadist’s sofa I am currently fighting to get comfortable in.

Who designs these things? Short stay couches in a world of long waits. Even John McCarthy would have turned his noise up at one of these.

Attempting to get comfortable in one these casual torture machines is utterly pointless, I might as well dismiss the possibility I can hang on until I reach the relative luxury of my own bathroom at home and go for a shit here, at the airport.

So I head for a gents.

All I want is a clean cubicle. Preferably a cubical that has a buffer of at least one free cubicle on either side. If I cannot find this, my own Holy Grail, then I’ll head to the end of the row, the farthest cubicle away from the entrance.

I know that this is a dangerous move as this will typically be the cubicle most desired by freaks, lookers, lurkers and public masturbators.

Y’know, dirty fuckers basically.

I start the long slow shameful walk passing each door, as if I’m a Sergeant Major inspecting the troops.

Taken…

Taken…

Noise…

Free… but looks like it throwing up faeces…

Taken…

Worse noise…

Taken…

Free…

Free…

Free…

Perfect.

I take a quick reconnaissance inside; walls seem solid, no holes for peepers, toilet looks as clean as I’m likely to get.

The thing about your peeper is that they are the most committed conscientious people you will ever have the misfortune to meet. A peeper will scout a good cubicle, and then over the course of days, weeks even months, they will slowly cut a small hole, no bigger than a ten pence in the cubicles plywood wall (you will often see this hole filled haphazardly by strips of toilet paper).

This hole will typically be at the same height as an average mans cock when he stands to take a piss. The peeper will use a variety of implements for this task but the preferred implement is a thickened thumbnail. It’s more discreet, and they always have it about their person.

Once the hole is formed, the pleasure begins.

I have no idea how much of this activity is taking place, and frankly, I don’t want to know. But judging simply by the amount of the toilet paper choked holes you see in virtually ever public toilet; I’d say a lot.

No holes in the wall, I move in.

Pans as clean as can be expected for a public toilet. No rolls of bog paper forced down the toilet are always a bonus, but judging by the musk stench hanging heavy in the fan heated air, I assume it only recently became vacant. No matter, this is the best I’m going to get.

Final check number one. Toilet paper for the wiping of arse? Check.

Final check number two. Push the door closed and… yes! Check. The lock works.

I slide the lock across and assume the position.

I put my fingers tight in my ears and cover the surround area on either side by my palms.

I’m underwater now, all noise is distorted, but at least the outside world will find it harder to get through.

And I shit.

The Man who couldn't stop
An extract from the truly bizarre and wonderful - 'Ed the Happy Clown' by Chester Brown.

No one has ever seen me shit, well, not counting my mother, not anyone living then.

No one living has seen me shit. As far as the rest of the world is concerned I do not shit. I am shitless. Like the German expression, Kitsch, literal translation being ‘without shit’.

That is me.

I’m happy with this, I really am. I don’t think it’s a necessary part of your life to share with others.

I talk about it of course, like I am now, I’m not some freak who goes red and tries to find a paper to read whenever the conversation in the office turns to last nights Vindaloo and the morning after effect. Oh no, I’m more than happy to join in.

“…and I’m sitting on the shitter…”

“Which one?”

“Trap one.”

“Really? I prefer trap two.”

“Nah, trap two has got a window; I don’t want the kitchen staff seeing me shit.”

“They can’t see you shit, besides it’s doesn’t feel so enclosed.”

“I go in the cripples toilet, you can stretch out in there, what with all the space, and if you’re having a really violent push, it’s got the hand rails to cling on for dear life.”

“Anyway, talking of violent pushes… I had this Vinda last night, I told Gumpta to make it really hot, as hot as they can. One of the waiters actually said to me that he didn’t envy my ring. Fuck me he was right, bastards must have got the cook to stick in extra shards of glass ‘cause this shit I was having… Well, you know how it starts, easy going… gentle… clean break and you think it’s all over, no problemo. It’s about time my arse toughened up a bit”

“What with you being shagged in it every night by your gay mates.”

“Fuck off. Anyway, I’m think that’s it, a wipe maybe two and I’m done. But oh no, my guts start churning and I’m thinking fuckin’ hell. Do I flush the first lot away now or wait. ‘Cause by the sound of it this is gonna be splashing up the pan and trying to get out. Turns out I don’t have time to do anything other than hold on, like red hot rusty water gushing out my ring. l was like the fucking man who couldn’t stop. I’m gripping on to the walls on either side, I’m fucking sweating like a pig, look at my shirt its drenched, it was like the Goddamn tropics in there. Then the cold sweat starts just as the flow subsides. Now I’m straining, leaning forward. I’m fucking crying at one point, I think I may have even called out for my mum.”

“I do every time I have a shit, she loves it the filthy slut”

“Watch it. Anyway, a couple of chunks, couple of squirts, my arse is on fire, so I wipe a bit but it’s much too tender. So I pull my kecks up and flush it. Trouble is most of it sticks on the side of the bowl, and the smell… Well fuck me it comes to something when your own shit makes you gag.”

“Christ that was you? You dirty bastard”

Yeah, so, I join in, maybe not exactly like that, but I join in.

I’m not one of these people that lets his girlfriend see him shit; she can stick her tongue up my arse; but I am not letting her see me shit.

It is just too casual.

And before you say anything, I’m not interested in seeing her shit either.

The smell in this toilet is so strong that I worry the fibres of my jacket will become drenched in particles of the shit smell and I will forever smell of shit, I’ll become known as El Guano.

The shit.

COMING NEXT: Maybe part two...probably not though.

44 comments:

MHN for short said...

Damn Herge. That was way real man... What else can I say, other than I think with your description, I was in there with you. Everything I read flashes in my head like watching a movie. The only thing missing was actually "seeing" your face, but I definitely felt your pain having been in the same situation myself.

MHN for short said...

Light the match baby, I'm comin' out!

pissoff said...

The courtesy flush... It's something I struggle with every time I have a public crap.

Tell me...you're not serious about those toilet paper stuffed holes are you? I don't consider myself naive but...is that for real?

Angie said...

OMG! Too funny! Thank you for sharing that.

cali said...

Dude - someone's gonna ask you sooner or later - how'd you know so much about how to make a peep hole? I mean, i'm not bein' accuative or anythin, but, y'know?
I actually had to take some fresh air part way through the post - if that's not adulation enough, i don't know what could be!

Nobody Special said...

All public toilets cubicles should have walls floor to ceiling and loud music playing.

Our toilets at work are the worse. Huge gaps down the side of the door and you get people loitering around waiting for you to finish. I hate that. If both stalls are in use, fuck off outside and wait. And I hate that too. Why have more than one cubicle unless they're totally soundproof and made of solid brick walls?

The thought of being sat next to someone separated only by a thin sheet of formica, with a gap top and bottom...it's just wrong!

Herge Smith said...

Angie - thanks for visiting.

Cali - I think I heard a documentry on Radio 4 - honest - have very soft bitten nails, if you need proof.

MHN - I'd rather not post a pic of myself for this story, I hope you understand.

April - I like to time my poo with someone flushing in another cubicle.

Trillion they install toilets like that to dehumanise you, make you all the same - it's a tactic they use in military schools and prisons - or they are just cheap bastards and went for the lowest cost.

Does anyone know - is it cubicle or cubical when referring to a poo room?

Nobody Special said...

Cubicle.

What am I, stupid now?

Herge Smith said...

No, it was me, I spelt them all wrong.

I've changed them now.

Blimey Trill - chill...

Chill trill, cool... that rhymes.

thordora said...

AH, THE PUBLIC CRAP.

I just can't get over the people who just don't care....nor do I understand why every restroom I've ever seen has more reverb than most effects units....

aasmodeus said...

I don't care. It's my shit, and I'm proud of it.

Yes, it stinks. But that's what flushing is for.

Bravo for the brave post Herge.

garfer said...

It's always the disabled toilet for me. Sometimes you have to ask for a key. That's ok though, they never ask you the nature of your disability.

Nobody Special said...

Consider me chilled.

And slightly thrilled.

edwaado said...

Holy shit.

Actually on the doing a poo at work topic - I have this 'Golden Rule' - not allowed.

I'd rather suffer with stomach cramps then number#2 at work.

I've even driven home 'for lunch' just to avoid this situation.

Still I can pee at the urinals though.

Herge Smith said...

Edwaado - Really? Everytime?

pissoff said...

Get over it Edwaado...everyone poos at work. Just do it! It's not worth the pain.

Thankfully in our office it's one toilet, one room. Trill, I think music would be a nice little touch.

Garfer... that's what I do. I use the "Family" washroom.

Rowan said...

I'm the person that the gals yell at and say: "FUCK! You disgusting pig, why didnt' you do it at home?!?" Yep, teehee that's me.

Crystal said...

That was by far, the most interesting post I've ever read about shitting.

It's funny to hear the stalls being called "cubicles". Cubicles here are spaces where you sit at work with plastic/corkboard walls.

We were, not too long ago, debating men have their bum hole licked/played with by a female on the forum I chat on. Too bad you weren't there. You could have weighed in on the subject.

You seem to know way too much about how to properly construct a peep hole.

MHN for short said...

I agree, no pictures on that one Dear! I have a new interview if y'all are interested. Love ya! Chelle.

Sniffy said...

Ahhhhh, a truly wonderful post. Thank you.

Funnily enough I was going to post something about work toilets this evening... I may still do.

I love these posts, keep them coming.

Perdita said...

I've NEVER seen the peep holes in the ladies... but then I tend to avoid the kind of places that would lend themselves to that.

I really don't understand the home-goers.

Every time I go to a bookstore or library I get so excited I have to take a dump. Seriously. Books must just do it for me.

btw great post

edwaado said...

So no one else subscribes to the "golden rule" then?

I guess Rowan came the closest, but more like her colleages were prefer that she did.

And yes herge, every time, no problemo with me matey. State of mind.

Unless of course I really want to do a number#2 but because of aforementioned rule wont, then I get into some muscle clenching knots.

Over at Pissoff April posted "If I were a man" which covers some of this.

Crystal said...

Screw that Golden Rule. I ain't gonna hurt myself because of my co-workers. I gotta go - I go.

DrMax said...

When my wife wonders why I always insist she take our toddler son to the woman's room over me taking him into the men's room, I can show her your post.

Sniffy said...

I never go if there's anybody else in the ladies' Ed. It's a definite no-no.

Faltanus said...

wow what a post Herge. i am shocked however, that of the 24 comments posted by the time i'm posting this one, only Crystal even mentioned the part about the girl friend getting her tongue up your shitter. come one folks, EVERY ONE of you had some significant reaction to that. so what is it? the most vile sexual act ever imagined, or the closest thing to heaven on earth? i'll reveal my perverted pig nature here. it is absolutely one of my favorite things to do/have done to me during a sexual tryst.

oh, and it was Herge who urged me to be freer about sharing my sexual exploits, so you all have him to blame for this comment. :)

Crystal said...

lol! I'm not sure everyone is as open-minded about discussions as I am but there isn't a topic that is taboo for me.

As I mentioned some friends & I were recently debating this subject. Some of the guys stated that the prostate is actually the "g-spot" for men and that the light anal action makes them feel really good. Most of us said we weren't gonna try though (including me).

And Herge, if my post is too graphic for you and you feel the need to delete it, I'll understand.

Herge Smith said...

Erm, if ANY of you are worried about posting something graphic here - can I please direct you to 'Hobbies to talk about in front of your new girlfiends parents' (link at start of blog).

You can say whatever you like here.

Crystal and Faltanus - MORE MORE

Sniffy said...

Herge, you haven't trained Dixon to, you know, lick you off down there, have you? Is that how she keeps getting injured?

Herge Smith said...

Actually Tina - that was too far. Yuuuccckk!!!

Poor Dixon... always the same, if she was child no one would suggest the same thing.

Ship Creak said...

One thing that always pisses me off about public loos is when you're busting for the loo, your all prepared, and at the very last possible second you realise that there's a) no toilet paper, or b) the toilet seat is covered in piss.

Not nice.

Anonymous said...

I don't mind a poo in public, but I really have a problem when people try to talk to me while I'm doing my business. Leave me the Fuck alone, I'm trying to dump here!

A couple btw's - CP is right, in the US you work in a cubicle, you poo in a stall.

And regarding that whole "most vile sexual act ever imagined, or the closest thing to heaven" I'm going to have to go with the latter. Love it, can't get enough of it, wouldn't mind doing it if called upon.

Aak

PS. Brillant post, Herge, seriously I've got tears from laughing so hard!

MHN for short said...

I'm with Ship here. Happens to me more often than I care to mention.

Faltanus said...

Aak is right - what in the world possesses people to think that you want to have a conversation with them while trying to poop? almost as bad, how is it even conceivable that there are people who think it is ok to carry on conversations on their cell phones while taking a dump in a public toilet? i can't even begin to comprehend this.

SwissToni said...

always shit on company time - that way you're getting paid for it.

ST

Lord Bargain said...

...and whilst you are sitting there you can do the mental arithmetic and work out just exactly how much you have earnt whilst crapping.

Always reassuring.

Nobody Special said...

I used to be a bit like Ed and not #2 at work. Then when I worked in Sheffield with Tina, I realised that the ladies toilet was exactly above the office of our wanker lab manager. Nothing gave me greater pleasure after that, than feeling like I was dumping on him!

Herge Smith said...

Thanks for all your comments - I love Swiss Toni's which echo's my own sentiments - always shit on company time. And if you can't go, just go and have a sit in the cubicle anyway.

And I think it's particularly lovely that we've uncovered exactly how much of a freak edwaado is.

Gives me a warm glow inside.

aasmodeus said...

warm glow inside? you have to go again?

Anonymous said...

Faltanus - one of my co-workers has a cordless headset to his phone and has been know to take trips to the lav while in the middle of a conference call with other big money managers and investment advisors!!!

Aak

Anonymous said...

Have to say that cracked me up...shitting on company time. I will take great pleasure in it hereon. April

PS...I actually laughed out loud and had to stifle myself lest someone hear me and ask me what's up.

aasmodeus said...

herge i seem to recall you previously were begging for more comments on your blog.

i see you've found your strength in blogging subjects... or rather, the downfall of humanity.

Herge Smith said...

It's typical, you try to dazzle with wit and creativity, and what do you get, nada.

Do a post on shitting and everybodies joins in.

Typical.

SwissToni said...

same thing happened to me mate - for a long time, my record number of comments came on a post about the joys of pissing in the sink

ST