Friday, August 12, 2005

A letter to my Guardian - UPDATED

Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms Guardian visitor,

You’ve been visiting my blog regularly for a while now (host name: In fact yesterday was your 16th visit, which means you haven’t just looked once and thought, ‘what utter shite’ and never comeback; you’ve returned for more (of the shite?).

Naturally, I would love you to comment, as I do all visitors, but that isn’t the reason for my open letter to you.

It is this...

I read the Guardian, obviously, hence the ‘We love eachother’ posts.

The Guardian We love each other 020705

(erm. please don’t tell anyone about those – I don’t want to get into trouble).

Anyway, I was wondering if I could have a little column, or maybe one of those weekly cartoon/things you have in The Guide on Saturday?

It’s not that I don’t find spending all my free time creating blogs for half a dozen people to read, fulfilling. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the time each and everyone one of them takes to leave comments, it’s just that I want more, a lot more.

So a little column or strip would be perfect. I definately feel I can do something like that.

Honestly, it would be great.

In fact, here are some ideas for you to consider;

'Never trust a Dalek' is a natural first choice -

never trust a dalek7

Or perhaps both 'Dalek and Borg' can discuss an up to the minute cultural issue in their now typical, 'oh-so-amusing' cybernetic way.

Dalek and Borg ultravox

Although thinking about it, there may be copyright issues with the Terry Nation Estate/ BBC and Paramount. Bugger.

Alternatively, how about I resurrect ‘My Mate Dave’ – he’s young, he’s smug, he’s more than likely a good representative of the Guardians target audience.

your mate dave on comebacks

No? Shit.

Maybe we can look at a talking point strip/piece like ‘What’s yr take on?’ – It’s punky, spikey, it’s got attitude and it’s not very original – Perfect.

What's yr take on ultravox

Maybe I get a ¾ page like the thing about overhearing conversations – and you could print my new series of poems/limericks - 'The Librarian Degree'.

The Librarian Degree 7

Actually that’s not a good idea. Most of them don’t scan at all well, are badly written and are an arse to prepare. Plus, I imagine your average Guardian reader will get funny about poetry. (if it's not done proper n'that)

Hmm… there must be something… anything… 'Dukes of Hazard'?

Meester B6 Prez Dubya6

N’ah, boring, erm… 'What say you?' Hmm… that didn’t work out at all well.

What say you - final

I could write a one-off article. I could do one on Daleks, or masturbating, or interviews with other bloggers, about why they do it, and what they get out of it – that’s human interest isn’t it? – plus, so far the coverage of blogs outside of Internet section in the guide has been extremely snide and narrow-minded (Are you by chance the enigmatic JD?? – Judge Dredd? James Dean? of the Internet section?)

OH OH!! My comic, what about my 'Strangeways' webcomic? It’s weird, it’s post-modern...

Strangeways here we come - guardian edition

Hold on- forget that. I was hoping to sell that idea to the BBC.

Hmm… Well that’s about it. No weekly feature for me I guess. I’ll just have to continue to attempt to entertain my few daily visitors. (Gawd bless 'em, one and all!)

But if you could just say ‘hello’, that would be something, wouldn’t it?

Decisions decisions...

It was just a thought. I hope at the very least you keep visiting, reading and hopefully, enjoying what I do.

Yours sincerely,

Herge Smith.


Well, Guardian person came and went. From 12:58 to 13:06 they had a bit of read, and then moved on, no comment left, nothing. Did I expect more? No, not really.

Perhaps they just aren't fans of Ultravox?


Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Smith,
Fuck off. The cease and desist letter will be arriving par avion toot suite. Pack your personal items and prepare to be visited by our lawyers.

The Guardian

P.S. Love the blog. It's a shame, really.

Anonymous said...



DrMax said...

You forgot to mention Waiting to get home-Part One in the resume'. Isn't that where a lot of people read their Guardians?

Crystal said...

damn herge, you've been busy tonight.

The Antagonist said...

Max Headroom spoke well along similar lines:

"Welcome to Network 23. Wanna check these ratings, I seem to have an audience of two.

Network 23, the network where two's company and three's an audience."

Herge Smith said...

Aas - don't mock - I'm worried that the person from the Guardian that's been dropping in from time to time is from the legal department.

Dr Max - good call my man, good call.

Crystal - I'm always striving to entertain my visitors... I'm good like that.

The Antagonist - you speak wise words, or atleast Max does.

I loved that TV movie they did, very cool - the blipvert were ingenious. when was that - FUCK that link reckons it was 20 years ago!! I remember watching that as a kid.

(Of course you know the link between MAX HEADROOM and this post, don'tchya?)

Anonymous said...

Start reading up at groklaw. I am not a lawyer, but she is a paralegal with a lot to say about legalities (besides having started one of the coolest, most socially powerful blogs around IMHO). You could of course consult with a real lawyer, but the gist of what I get from Pamela is that satire is a protected work. Blog on, dude.

cali said...

Hey dude- we don't wanna share you with the proleteriat! Specially fuckin Guardian readers (its the paper i read when i go back home so i feel i'm allowed to say that). Good luck with their lawyers tho - hehehe.
That dog that aas has, or is, is one of the scariest freakin animals i've seen in a while. Looks like he's gonna suddenly jum

MHN for short said...

To Whom It May Concern:

It is not whether you are talented enough to contribute to the Guardian, it is whether you "subscribe" to the Guardian that concerns us. For you have sent your post to the wrong division of the Guardian and therefore must send your submissions to the proper division of our parent company.

We are currently under acquisition, so I regret to inform you that I will not be able to assist you in this matter for tomorrow I will regrettably no longer be at this post; since they are letting all of us go and are out-sourcing all work done by the Brittish to America. Bloody Yanks!

Anonymous said...

awwww, she wouldn't hurt a fly. or a mouse, for that matter. she makes friends with all the critters we try to make her destroy in the name of a bug-free house.

cali said...

sorry aas - maybe its the ears that scare me - if i put my fingers over them she looks like a cutie!

Rainypete said...

Oh sure. First you'll get published and then you'll slowly begin to drift away as the fame goes to your ehad. It's been nice Herge....

garfer said...

The Guardian is not the appropriate
organ in which to reveal your genius. The po faced ones have no sense of humour. The metropolitan wankers actually think Doonesbury is funny.
I suggest you approach the Northampton Advertiser, or the Police Gazette.

pissoff said...

Rainypete has a point. It'll all go to your head Herge and pretty soon you won't remember who we are.

Herge Smith said...

April&Rainy - you'd better leave multiple comments daily to keep me 'real'

Garfer - how I dream of being po-faced.

Not sure about the police gazette...

Rowan said...

Well, I've always said it, you are a brave one. I would be too afraid to enter the scary world of published satire. The thought of the Guardian actually reading this scares me for you. I hope you are legally safe from trademark laws. Maybe if you changed the name from the guardian to something else, like the Watcher or some such?

Sniffy said...

I bet we see a load of your stuff in The Guardian, but under someone else's name! Thieving New Labour-loving, middle class bunch of wanking tosspot cunts that they are.

I'm sure the Daily Mail would lap it up though - all those housewives would love you. Imagine them lapping you up!


Come Guardian then, where the fuck are you? Show yourselves, you shitbags!

Oh, and I actually thought this post was a simply divine reprise of your work so far. Not just some old shit cobbled together, no no! This was new shit made badder and better than ever.

Too good for The Guardian, far too good for its readership. They don't deserve you. What about Private Eye? Or the New Statesman even?

pissoff said...

You could become the Housewives God. Thousands of adoring women (all married with kids mind you) lusting after you.

Tina's right...they are probably using your material as we speak.... Bastard cunts. Come out, come out wherever you are.

Sniffy said...

I bet he's quite the gigolo.

Herge Smith said...

I don't believe this - 19 comments and no one has even mentioned Ultravox!?!

I put in about 6 or 7 references, and nothing.

Tina - are you being a bit 'whatsit' with you comment 'Not just some old shit cobbled together'?


cali said...


Herge Smith said...

You do know who Ultravox are, don't you?


Sniffy said...

Perhaps they're just the usual sort of cunts you'd expect for Guardian readers?

Bunch of arseholes.

Sniffy said...

Ultravox, yeah. Used to quite like them. "Faithless in faith, we must behold the things we see"and all.

What I meant by "not just some old shit cobbled together" was, you could've jst copied some stuff in from previous posts, but you used new material instead. It just shows how good you are.

pissoff said...

He's not just good Sniff...heeeee's Greeeaaattt!

Me...I have no fucking clue what or who Ultravox is. Enlighten me.

Herge Smith said...

I never copy old bits in, plus, I had a running theme of Ultravox - which is what the post is REALLY about.

I am thinking or reposting so more old stuff though, and i've noticed that this week has been far more text based for me. Hmm...

Herge Smith said...

There's a link now on the final word of the post.


(Synth band from the 80's - big hit Vienna).

Sniffy said...

Yeah, Ultravox were an early 80s electronic sort new romantic band headed up by Midge Ure, who co-wrote Do they know it's Christmas and headed up Live Aid and stuff with Geldof. He was involved in the latest thing too. I think he was the brains of the operation.

Sniffy said...

I get a browser bug at Amazon when I click that link, or is it intentional?

They have a real website at

Nice of you to dredge them up Herge.

Herge Smith said...

Cheers T, now fixed.

Y'know what? I don't think this is the last we're gonna hear from Ultravox in this blog.

You already guessed that, right?

Sniffy said...

I thought as much. We'll be dancing with tears in our eyes before we know it.

SwissToni said...

this is the Guardian we're talking about - none of them are reading it professionally... they're just wasting time at work like everyone else does. Judging by the spelling in the paper, my money is on them being subeditors.


Craig said...

I know nothing about Ultravox, but this post was least until the Guardian syndicates you and we have to pay to read Angry Chimp

Herge Smith said...

I'll never forget any of you,

Jina, MK, Arsmo, Chris Guns, Sali, NHS for short, Stormybill, Grifter, May, Rohan, Frenchpete...

Not a single one of you...

MHN for short said...

I was going to mention Ultravox, which Vienna is on my iPod thank you very much, but I got distracted trying to be all creative and I guess you didn't like it anyway and now you got all poofed that no one mentioned Ultravox... :-(

Eh, another day at the quarry.

MHN for short said...

And there I have stopped the conversation again.

Herge Smith said...

No you didn't.

I've had an Ultravox blow out this weekend, following this post.

Mostly I have been playing;

Vienna album (not the song, can't stand it anymore)
Rage in Eden (their best album)
Quartet (with Visions in Blue - their best single).


MHN for short said...

Thanks again Hergie! You really are nice to this temper"mental" Yank. I appreciate it. love ya babe!