JU-NI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI

Stick passing - oh my.

Well, Angry Chimp must be in a weakened state due to the poorly woof woof because he's going to take part in one of those chain-letter type things- despite hating such things.

Besides the very fine Karen at Karentainment asked me to do it, and seeing as how she's a Canadian, I couldn't say no. Angry Chimp is a 100% fan of Canadians (In a total generalistic way, you undertstand.)

So what's the caper?

Here we go;

"If I could be"... You choose five from a list of vocations and complete the sentence.

So mine are -

If I could be a comic book artist...

Smithy is back row, third from the right - not the brightest

I'd redefine The Bash Street Kids from The Beano, in a Paul Abbott way, giving them gritty dialogue and a story arc involving child molestation. I'd also make Smithy the hero (albeit a anti-hero with a dark secret). Basically because he's called Smith.

If I could be a mime....




(obvious joke, sorry)

If I could be a horror film killer...
I'd be that creepy one out of Silence of Lambs - Buffalo Bill. Not because I'm a transexual you understand (although I do own a dog) but because I'd get to utter that immortal line - "It places the lotion in the basket".

If I could be a linguist...
I'd be a cunning one. (Gawd shoot me - that was soooo lame - I'm telling you, I'm weak)

If I could be a piece of office equipment...
I'd be a stapler, and have someones name on me, at least I'd be loved.

I would like to pass the stick on to:
Tina Cakesniffer
April Piss Off
Trillion Trillobites

Here's the list
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a service member...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be an agent
If I could be video game designer...
If I could be a comic book artist...
If I could be a hooker...
If I could be a crack addict....
If I could be a porn star....
If I could be a mime....
If I could be a domestic engineer...
If I could be a chimney sweep....
If I could be a masseuse...
If I could be a taxi driver....
If I could be a priest...
If I could be a fighter pilot...
If I could be a homeless person...
If I could be a biker...
If I could be a mortician...
If I could be a horror film killer...
If I could be a movie writer...
If I could be a muppet...
If I could be a fast food product...
If I could be a piece of office equipment...
If I could be a head of state...
If I could be a member of a boy band...

You are supposed to add your own vocations, so my additions are:

If I could be a Wednesday...
If I could be a list...
If I could be a figment of someones imagination...

JU-ICHI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU

Dixon update: And she’s home!!

Dixon (Pixie) blogging and smiling - activities she'll get back to soon.

Hurray, the small fool is back home, sitting right now on my lap as I type. (later to be put in her ‘rest’ cage, which I’ve just rented from the vet).

However, she’s nowhere recovered, her back legs are pretty much useless – although with the intensive physiotherapy (6 times a day) and much will power, I hope to have her returning to a more mobile state as soon as poss.

Dixon has a quite lethal looking scar on her back (approximately 8cm long – ouch) and her back has been shaved – she looks like a skinhead, only not as pathetic.

I also have a ‘tummy band’, which supports her tummy/back quarters whilst I walk her around. This encourages her to get used to walking again, but it does feel a bit like you're encouraging a bag of shopping to walk.

It’s going to be a slow process, and we won’t know for at least 10 days to two weeks whether she’ll ever regain the use of her back legs, but I’ll tell you this – it won’t be for the sake of trying.

Tar for all your support. I’ll continue to update y'all throughout her recovery process.

JU

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU

Dalek and Borg 3

More Dalek and Borg;

Dalek and Borg 1
Dalek and Borg 2

KYU

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 14/05/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 14/05/05

THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: For fucksake, how the little children suffer.

Emma Bartlett & Graham Sampson

Emma I’d rather have Morrissey. I guess he’s second best; well maybe more like fourteenth best. There are many obsessed Smiths fans, he’s the worst. When we have sex, he finishes up by singing ‘A rush and a push and the land is ours’. He gave up meat for Morrissey; I’m hoping he doesn’t give up woman as well. I have to share him.

Graham I’d rather have Morrissey. We met when I was thirteen. My older brother bought Hatful of Hollow, the sixteen-track collection that is taken in the main from BBC Radio 1's cutting edge John Peel and David Jensen evening shows in 1984. It spoke to me. I fell in love for the first time. I knew then that my life would be devoted to Morrissey. Craig Taylor


More of the same,

'WE LOVE EACH OTHER' 23/04/05
'WE LOVE EACH OTHER' 30/04/05
'WE LOVE EACH OTHER' 07/05/05

HACHI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA

Dixon update: She’s down, but she ain’t out.

I swore I'd never EVER publish this snap. Fuck it.

Dixon had her operation late Thursday evening.

She did indeed have a slipped disc and the vet need to perform decompressive surgery, which basically creates a window through vertebral bone so that the spinal canal can be entered and examined for compressive masses of material which are then removed – the material is what leaks from the ruptured disc nucleus.

Unfortunately, the disc rupture was underneath her spine, rather than on the left or right side so the vet was forced to effectively, ‘scrap around’ until all the material was removed.

During this procedure, it is likely the spine was damaged. (The vet told me that studies have indicated that even a single drop of water on the exposed spinal cord can cause major damage).

Look at that back, just asking for trouble.

Dixon survived surgery and is currently in a stable condition at the referral clinic in Solihull (outside Birmingham). She has however lost all feeling in her back legs.

The vet tells me that it is a slow recovery process and we really won't know for at least 2 weeks if she will regain the use of her legs.

This is by no means an uncommon problem with Dachshunds; approximately 25% of them will have some form of spinal complaint during their lives. Worse still, the common age band for this is between three and five. Dixon is six.

The question for me now is, what do I do if she is paralysed?

I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Although I haven’t ruled out ‘Darth Dachshund’ as an option.

Like a little 'Big Trak', I wonder if i can get a trailer?

So it's going to be a while yet until I can get her home. Until then my home seems suddenly very empty.

more on stuff that goes wrong with the daxie back

NANA

Crap animals No 26: Dachshund - UPDATED

Well, that about serves me right.

Regular readers may remember a week or so a go I did a blog entitled;

Crap animals No 26: Miniature Dachshund

And as always I slated the animal in question. I wasn’t however entirely forthcoming about the fact that I know more about the Miniature Dachshund than just the casual animal/small dog hater.

See, I have one, she’s called Dixon.

Hopefully the 'poor little bugger' will make it through the night

And in some weird karma way, or just a case of bad luck and coincidence she’s currently undergoing surgery to rectify an impacted spine caused by disc damage.

I feel dreadful, not knowing if she'll be coming home or not.

Two days ago she started to act very withdrawn and I immediately knew something was up with her. (she's normally a running about idiot)

I may have mentioned that due to the dogs stupidly long back they are liable to back problems. Sooooo....

Got her to the Vet ASAP, who advised that the condition didn’t appear to be too serious at this stage and that she may recover with plenty of care and rest.

However, within about an hour of returning from the Vet, Dixon lost the use of her back legs.

Hence now her need to be operated on.

The Vet has told me that her survival chances are good and that typically she should return to about 85-90% mobility.

I’m waiting for the Vet to call me now, to let me know how she is.

Anyway, sorry about the personal stuff – not usually my domain, this will be an exception, rather than a rule.

Now back to my mate Dave, he’s a right cunt isn’t he?

ROKU

GO

ICHI NI SAN YON

YON

ICHI NI SAN

Crap animal No.35: The Wasp

How did she fix her lippy?

The term "wasp" has little taxonomic meaning, as it applies to many different kinds of insects, such as the ‘little sod’, the ‘smug git’, most politicians and of course ‘that bastard jasper’.

Nearly all the social wasps are in the family Vespidae (which makes them sound quite posh), whose members are easily identified by their habit of folding their wings lengthwise (a family of closely related wasps, the Eumenidae, shares this habit).

Most Vespids are black with yellow or white markings, which clearly mark them as potent stingers; Vespers on the other hand are stupid little mopeds, which clearly mark them as carrying a pretentious cunt.

As meat-eaters, they fill either carnivorous or carrion-feeding niches. Social wasps are ecologically important, removing large numbers of plant-eating insects from their ecological communities.

I’m afraid that last paragraph was put together by the same team that build the Governments case for the war in Iraq. It’s bollocks. Wasps are the insect equivalent of the TV Celebrity; they serve absolutely no purpose, whilst at the same time really giving you the hump.

Got ya!

No one likes wasps, except those people who dedicate their lives to the study of them, but then no one likes those people either, so their opinion doesn’t really count.

What’s more, with those Nancy-boy black and yellow jackets they flit about in, they look like a mini Nick Leeson, which is another mark against them.

Wasps, like Leeson, are complete bastards.

Not only do Wasps appear the very same moment you say to someone,

“What a beautiful day”,

But they can give you a right nasty sting.

Bees on the other hand rule – all furry and busy. They sort us out with honey and if they sting you – bam – they die. So, if they do sting you, it’s not like it was simply being malicious, it gave its life to hurt you. And knowing you as I do, who can blame it?

Angy Chimp confused...

Wasps or Jaspers Jaspers! As we called them as kids, sting willy-nilly, it doesn’t harm them, in fact they fucking love giving you a dose of poison for having the audacity of being in the sunshine, being in your own home, or just being. And unlike our friend, the bee, the wasp can and WILL sting you multiple times.

A recent research project at Cambridge stuck tiny microphones on a wasp and recorded the sound it made as it stung a young baby boy. This is a transcript of the attack.

“Come on! C’mon then! Think ya fuckin’ ‘ard enough, do ya? Fuckin’ take that!! Yeah you fucker! Take that! Have some this… I’ve got plenty more where that came from. Take that! And that! and that… oh dear…crying for your mummy now are we? Fucker, take that and that!! (Recording ends)"

Worse still, that little fucker can kill you. If you are particularly allergic, like a weak child, or if the wanker gets you in your mouth and stings your throat then it’s anaphylaxis shock and a slow and painful death for you, boyo.

That is why they must be terminated, with extreme prejudice.

They loved eachother, it was a love no one understood.

Now typically I’m a wishy-washy bleeding heart liberal, I cry when a butterfly dies and fall apart if a cute (flea ridden) bunny rabbit is crushed beneath the wheels of my mighty vroom-vroom, but when it goes to Wasps, I’m like Adolf making plans for the Jews.

This delightful Entomology page gives some helpful advice on destroying wasps, which includes,

·Locate the nest and destroy with insecticide (done by licensed operators within council or private contractors).
·Traps (commercial or home-made) may alleviate problems with small-localised populations.

I find the paperback novel, rolled up newspaper/ trash celebrity magazine (it needs to serve some sort of purpose I suppose) or even a fly swot, are most effective (I prefer the Starck’s Dr Skud, swatter from Alessi, but then I am up myself).

This is especially true if it’s backed by blood lust and a misplaced sense of righteous indignation and genocidal hatred.

Are all WASPs cunts?

Of course, WASP also stands for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant – which I don’t know that much about, but I’m sure I don’t care for them. There was also a really shitty band called WASP back in the day. They are all dead now, or at least they should be.

So the question remains, is the Vespula germanica evil? I don’t think so, they’re just like estate agents; you really don’t want anything to do with them, when they are around they buzz about trying to act important, whilst actually serving not real purpose and then they typically end up sting you (ho-ho)

Then again, perhaps they are evil – KILL ‘EM ALL – and the wasps.

Previous crap animals;

No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra

SAN

NI

ICHI

Vernon Kay on suicide watch.

Kay: battling depression, trannies and flatulence

Breaking News: Long serving Channel 4 presenter Vernon Kay, who was on the T4 sofa on the ‘youth' magazine show’s first day on air in March 1987, is tonight subject to ‘suicide watch’, at Hanwell County Psychiatric Hospital, Middlesex.

His management team said today that the 39-year-old became seriously ill on Wednesday evening.

“In a confused state Vernon Kay accidentally took 100 sleeping tablets with a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he mistook for a vitamin C tablet and a glass of organic rice water,

Fortunately, Mr Kay was able to call close friend, Mr Campbell, who subsequently arranged for an ambulance. Following Mr Kay’s stomach pump, Mr Campbell accompanied Mr Kay to the Hanwell Psychiatric hospital.

As soon as we have more information we will let you know.” they said in a prepared statement.

Kay’s management team went onto explain that Mr Kay was suffering from ‘exhaustion’.

A source to close to Kay, said today that Kay was in fact ‘as crazy as a loon’, and that his ‘cheeky chappie’, presenting style, belied a more trouble personality.

The source revealed that Kay’s ‘on again/ off again’ relationship with Nicky Campbell, BBC presenter of ‘Shot’em if they enter’, the home invasion themed game show, was largely to blame for his recent spate of problems.

Campbell, part of the problem?

Over the past six months, Kay has rarely been out of the tabloid press as he publicly battled both depression, caused by his ‘fatuous TV persona’, as he is often heard to describe it, and a crippling addiction to Asian Transsexuals, or ‘Ladyboys’ as they are more commonly known.

It was Kay’s passion for 'palomas with plonkers,' as Kay preferred to call them, which had caused the rift between both him and Campbell.

When interviewed last week in the Radio Times, Campbell said of his relationship with Kay,

“I love him dearly, but he just can’t resist anything in a short skirt and an Adams apple”

Kay originally hails from Guildford but affected a Yorkshire accent at the start of his television career.

He shot to stardom in 1985 when he appeared as Geoffrey Palmers ‘bottom double’ in the now infamous, ‘hardcore’ episode of the BBC award winning drama series, ‘As Time Goes By’, which also starred Dame Judi Dench as a 'sex crazed' widow.

E4 co-presenter, and known Transsexual herself, June Sarapong, had this to say about Kay’s current situation,

“Vern’s a tough guy with a big heart, all of the team here at E4 are rooting for him, except maybe the Welsh bloke who wouldn’t mind getting in on Vern’s action if he did take a turn for the worst”,

She went on to add, “not that it’ll come to that, we hope.”

Kay is scheduled to present Channels 4’s new hard hitting current affairs documentary series, which takes a serious look at the rise of women in extremist terror organisations.

Channel 4 documentary fronted by Kay

The series entitled ‘Bombs, bullets and babes’ is due to air in March.