Brain Swap: Celebrity Special grabs huge Easter ratings.

New Dr Who: Adventures in doing time and space

It was the surprise ratings grabber of the Easter bank holiday weekend, even seeing off ferocious competition from the BBC’s rejuvenation of its classic Doctor Who character, now portrayed by former BBC One VJ Jonathan King and his trusted teenage boy sidekick.

Brain Swap: Celebrity Special is ITV’s spin on it’s own phenomenally popular reality TV show/ prank show, in which TV presenter Carol Smillie has her brain swapped with a member of the public and proceeds to trick their family into thinking nothing has changed.

The hilarious conclusion to the last series, aired in November 2004, saw Smillie ‘swappee’ Jan Shedling sectioned at the behest of her husband who feared that his wife was suffering from bipolar disorder.

It eventually took the series production company ‘Savaged Pensioner’, and a team of lawyers a month to have the decision reversed and Smillie and Shedling returned to their own heads.


Please note: Brains shown are proportionate size

Saturdays Celebrity Special featured both Charlie Dimmock and Kate Moss as the willing Celeb swaps. Viewers watched stunned as Smillie, former Miss Highlands refused to have her brain swapped back with Kate Moss.

However the highlight of the show was without doubt the scene of Smillie’s husband, TV presenter Eamonn Holmes complaining after sampling both Dimmock and Moss that sex with Moss was, “like shagging a self-obsessed bone bag, mind you it’s a good mush to look at when you pop.” Before adding, “then again, sex with Dimmock is like humping a navvy with saggy bitch tits”.

Holmes did go on to admit that having Dimmock brained Smillie around the garden was terrific, unlike Moss brained Smillie who did nothing but, “smoke, eat and moan all the bloody time”.

Following the success of the Easter Special, ITV have already commissioned six week run. The tabloid press are today full of claims that celebrities are queuing up to appear in the new series.

Happiness and Angry Chimp

The Guide: A liberal media agenda at its finest.

Angry Chimp sits with a smile on his face.

I say it again because I don’t believe it.

Angry Chimp sits with a smile on his face.

It’s no good. Like John Homes fucking Dakota Fanning, it just doesn’t fit.

And it’s not the first time this month Angry Chimp has smiled, it’s happened an awful lot and I don’t know what to do about it.

Angry Chimp doesn’t complain when I burn his tea. Angry Chimp doesn’t rage when z-grade celebrities pretend to be caring when it’s red nose day, he just looks on with a grin.

Angry Chimp doesn’t hit me and bite me and scratch me and generally abuse me when I say I think Jamie Oliver is an okay sort and that he’d doing a lot of good for the kids.

No. Angry Chimp just nods and says, “Yes, I suppose you’re right”.

In fact, I fear that I may be losing Angry Chimp and he is becoming Passive Chimp or worse, Content Chimp.

How has this happened? I regulate his meat intake with the care of a Mogwai farmer but yet the fire is almost extinguished.

I look to his writing and am shocked that his output has slowed considerably, once it was a couple of rants a day, now Angry Chimp can barely manage a rant a week.

“What’s going on?”, I cry out in confusion.

“Nothing,” Angry Chimp says, “I’m fine”.

Nothing??

I’m fine???

“Are you sick Angry Chimp?”, I ask.

“No, I’m fine” He replies as calmly as a husband lying about his extra marital activities.

“I’m okay”.

“Angry Chimp” I say trying to kick start the violence, “That band G4 are great musicians aren’t they?”

“Hmm”. Angry Chimp says, “They’re a nice bunch of lads”.

And with that I know it’s over.

Angry Chimp is dead.

And as always a woman is to blame.

A woman is to blame for making him happy and stifling his rage fuelled creativity.

“What was that you just said?” Angry Chimp growls with a spark.

I’ve nothing to lose I think, “You’ve gone soft and I reckon it’s ‘cause you’ve got yourself a bird” I say with an arrogant swagger.

“What!?!” Angry Chimp says. “What did you just say?”

I attempt to reply but before I can get even the first syllable out Angry Chimp has me by the throat, pushing me against the wall. He leans in close now and I can smell the croissant I made him for breakfast on his breath.

“If you ever, ever speak to me like that again,” he barks, “I will tear your skin off”.

He holds his glare for a moment and adds, “Understand?”.

I nod to indicate that I do. And he lets me go.

He sits back down in his chair and continues reading the Guardian guide with a sarcastic grin.

“And by the way”, Angry Chimps says, “Go and rustle something nice up for tea, Rachel will be round in a bit.”

I’m thinking it’s good to have him back when I’m struck square in the face by the coffee table.

“Nathan Barley, what a load of self satisfied toss” says Angry Chimp.

Interview: Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking!

Bliss Magazine: A common sense guide to kiddie sex?

Bliss magazine, self proclaimed ‘sex manual for pre-teens’ is once again at the centre of a row concerning two articles it recently published entitled, “Is it ever too early?” and “An A to Z of UK Abortionists”.

Parent and teacher groups around the country are outraged at what they see as the magazines, ‘continual promotion of underage sex’. The national PTA suggest that the publication is solely to blame for the boom in underage pregnancies, or ‘buns before bleeding’ as its become more commonly known.

Angry Chimp has secured an exclusive interview with Helen Jenkins, Editor of the Bliss magazine since 2004.

AC: First, can you tell us who the publisher of Bliss Magazine is?

HJ: Bliss is published bi-weekly by Paul Raymond publications.

AC: Is that the same Paul Raymond as the publishing company that is best known as a filth peddler?

HJ: If you mean publisher of adult focused literature, yes.

AC: Is it appropriate that the same publisher of porn should publish magazines for children?

HJ: Bliss is not aimed at children.

AC: So who is Bliss aimed at?

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: And what age group do you believe that to be?

HJ: Girls from 8 upward.

AC: 8 year old girls who are sexually active?

HJ: Look, you need to understand that girls today mature at a much faster rate than they did when we were younger.

AC: And why is that?

HJ: Why is what?

AC: Why do girls mature much faster these days?

HJ: I believe it is because there is much more sexually focused material aimed at their age group.

AC: But doesn’t that mean that magazines like Bliss are to blame for pulling back the latency period?

HJ: These are necessarily lesbians.

AC: No that’s not what I meant, I meant…

HJ: Because we do have a magazine aimed at pre-teen lesbians called, ‘My special girl’.

AC: Sounds charming. Do you believe that Bliss is to blame for sexualising pre-teen girls?

HJ: I don’t think blame is appropriate, it’s not like we are doing anything wrong.

AC: You promote underage sex, which is illegal.

HJ: Only in this country, besides I certainly don’t believe you can accuse us of once promoting underage sex.

AC: What about this article, ‘Underage sex, why wait?’.

HJ: I think if you read that article more closely you’ll find that it’s actually a balanced argument for not rushing into sex.

AC: Well as a matter of fact I have read it and if I may quote a bit, ‘There’s nothing more exciting than rushing into it, so just lay back, open your legs and think of your favourite pop star, the pain will end as quickly as he will’.

HJ: See that’s taken completely out of context.

AC: What? That is entirely the context. How about this article, ‘Holding off puberty through dieting’.

HJ: Well that’s hardly promoting sex is it? Unless you think puberty is sexually focused.

AC: I hadn’t finished, the article argues that you should hold of puberty by starving yourself, because, and I quote again, ‘Sex before puberty is almost guaranteed to mean you can have protection free sex and not risk getting knocked up’.

HJ: Look, the fact of the matter is more and more kids are having sex, we just provide a reliable source of important information for them.

AC: Oh right, such as, ‘Anal sex: it’ll keep him keen”.

HJ: A first time relationship is very character defining, it’s important the kids get impartial advice.

AC: Oh yes, great relationship advice, like this article, “Hit me baby one more time”. Which suggests that violence amongst teenage couples only occurs when the girl is a, and I’m quoting again, “a frigid, uptight little Christian bitch.” What kind of message is that?

HJ: That was just one article, and it was almost certainly satirical.

AC: But you aim this at Kids.

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: Yes, whatever, the point is do you honestly believe that your readership will understand such articles are satire?

HJ: We never patronise our readership.

AC: Right. Anyway, the point it this, if you didn’t publish this magazine, and TV shows didn’t sexualise kids, and younger and younger pop stars didn’t sing about shagging, then kids wouldn’t be having as much underage sex as they currently do. Do you agree?

HJ: Absolutely not! Kids have always experimented in sex from a young age.

AC: But ten years ago the average age for a girl to lose her virginity was 16. It’s 13 now. Boys are down from 17 to 14.

HJ: So?

AC: So, if your magazine promoted drug use just as hard as it promotes sex then drug use amongst teens and pre-teens would have soared.

HJ: Drug use is soaring in this country amongst teens and pre-teens.

AC: Okay, bad example, but the point remains you aim this magazine at children, encouraging them to have sex but take no responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

HJ: For fuck sake, we’re here to sell glossies not act as social workers.

AC: Why do you think parents and teachers are so enraged by your most recent articles?

HJ: Because they are totally out of touch with their children and they can’t handle the fact that we act as more of a role model than they do.

AC: Can I ask you do you have children of your own?

HJ: Hardly, I’m only 14, you pervo.

Angry Chimp ended the interview there, giving Helen a fiver for a Mars bar and a pack of ciggies.

For an alternative perspective on modern youth, be sure and read the well researched and balanced article at Cakesniffers entitled ‘Lock ‘em all up!’

Gail Porter: Just do it!

Apparently she hasn't.

Porter is still in the running to win this years coverted stay of execution on BBC One's exciting new reality games show, 'Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge".

Further updates coming soon.

If...TV Goes Down the Tube - Fuck me it has!!

Okay, this is where I have to ask the question – “Is anybody actually reading this stuff?”

The reason I ask is this,

If... TV Goes Down the Tube
Mon 21 Mar, 11:20 pm - 12:20 am 60mins

‘Drama-documentary about the future of digital technology and its impact on our lives. It follows the story of a mother struggling to cope with the death of her daughter on a reality television programme, through which she discovers a far bigger political plot. Starring Saskia Reeves, Elizabeth McKechnie and Antony Byrne. Contains some strong language.’

Errrr!!!!!

We already have the following top-flight shows brought to you with tireless coverage by the Angry Chimp team, and each and every one of them PROVES TV is already well in the toilet.


Just some of our fine output.

Death Row Big Brother – Extreme crime/punishment version of Big Brother, now about to start a second season.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt – Z-list celebrities fight for their lives in the Oz outback

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge – We have already seen the deaths, LIVE, of Seb Coe and Brian Dowling – and I’m guessing Johnny Vaughan will be next, and you know what? I bet I’m right.

Castrato Academy – let’s face it, some of those castrations are bound to go sceptic with the loss of innocent young high-pitched lives.

Celebrity Outing: LIVE – bound to see some post revelation suicides - that bloke who plays Grant Mitchell anyone?

Concentration Camp Revisited – God how we laughed when they went into the shower block and we expected them to be gassed, but NO! Water came out instead – no wait – that was Schindler's List.

Fight Academy – Like Fight Club, only less so.

Celebrity Wife Rape- You must remember the show where Vernon Kay’s missus fell to the might of Freddie Starr booze and rage filled frenzied attack? That was quality TV - soon to be followed by Celebrity Wife Abortion.

Child Swap – Chav swapped brats with Toffs, and vice a versa.

Virginity Lost: LIVE – Very popular with the pre-teens and STDs

So how the BBC can show a programme that suggests that maybe, just maybe TV is descending into a mess of ill-produced, mindless, tawdry, shite, simply beggars belief.

And if the listings above don’t grab you – just switch your telly on at anytime and you can find a hundred other shows just as vile.

Fucking BBC.

BBC2's Castrato Academy - "Child Abuse" says UNICEF

Extreme marketing to capture the 'yoof' demographic

The BBC is facing increased pressure from the child concern organisation, UNICEF to cancel the new series of its controversial arts show ‘Castrato Academy’.

The BBC claims that Castrato Academy is a serious attempt to repopulate the Opera Houses of Europe with these iconic and unique singers.

The Castrato is a male singer with an artificially created soprano or alto voice. This is the result of castration in boyhood.

The combination of the larynx of a youth and the chest and lungs of a man produces a powerful voice of great range and unique sound, or as pop music, Svengali Peter Waterman described it, “a sound that can make a grown man cum in his chinos.”

Castrati were especially popular in churches and opera houses in Europe during the 17th and 18th century. The past 50 years has seen a dramatic decline in the popularity of the Castrati resulting in their officially listing as an endangered species since 1991.

The worlds most celebrated castratos are Carlo Broschi Farinelli (1705-82) and Rick Astley (1963 – 1998).


Astley: Never gonna give you up, buthappily gave them up.

The most disturbing aspect of Castrato Academy, according to UNICEF is the fact that parents happily hand their children over to the Academy often despite their child’s objection.

Castrato producer Helen Dakins defended the show this morning at a press conference held at the Royal Albert Hall, the setting for the shows finale in 10 weeks time,

“This is not just some tawdry game show,” Dakins told the amassed reporters, “this is about preserving an essential part of our world culture. If a few boys have to lose their knackers for it, that’s a really small price to pay.”

When asked how the parents could so readily hand their children over to the Academy, Datkins said, “Well, the fact is they know that their children will become famous and lead extraordinary lives. Plus, and this is always a major factor, the parents tend to make a ton of cash off them”.

A spokesperson for UNICEF described Castrato Academy as, “horrifically sick, debasing and morally vile.”

Ironically, the Head of Entertainment at BBC2, Mark Markinson, used exactly the same words when promoting the show at this morning’s press conference.

Markinson went on to add, “Not only do we get to see these boys learn to sing and perform to the best of their abilities, we also get to see them having their bollocks lobbed off. That’s true entertainment right there.”


BBC marketing focused on the 'no balls' gimmick

The BBC is currently pressing on with plans to air the first broadcast from the Castrato Academy as soon as April 2nd.

Nazis: Best dressers, says Vogue Magazine

VOGUE: Jack boot literature for the modern woman.

Controversial, US based fashion magazine, Vogue, has once again found itself at the centre of a row concerning its latest issue.

‘Nazi Wow’, as the magazine describes its March issue, has been condemned by Jewish communities around the globe as being, ‘hatefully insensitive’.

In particular the Holocaust Survivor group and the Jewish Defence League have taken most offence at an article entitled ‘Nazi uniforms worth queuing at the showers for’, written by lead columnist and part-time actor Jennifer Lopez.

The article describes how the 1940s German Nazi Party and in particular the SS, were ‘snappy’ dressers, and despite the horrific wave of genocide they inflicted across Europe, targeting Jews, Blacks, Gipsies and Homosexuals, the article claims, “who could not be impressed by their threads”.

Lopez suggests that their horrific level of murder was only possible because they were so fashionably focused, and that the allies, whom Lopez describes as, ‘typically scruffy, sack cloth lovers’ could really have done with an ‘SS’ eye for lines, fabrics and colours.

This is the second time this year Vogue has found itself at the centre of a moral outrage regarding its ‘extreme’ fashion ethic. Its January cover declared the magazine to be a self proclaimed ‘Lover of Child Skin’, the new fashion trend of buying the ‘back skin’ from the children of a socially deprived immigrant worker.

The skin is removed from the child and then is dyed and twisted. The procedure inevitably leads to the death of the child. The wearer wraps the ‘Child Skin’ around the neck like a scarf.

‘Child Skin’ has become all the rage with the social elite in the US, with celebrities including Sarah Jessica Parker and Paris Hilton spotted as recently as Monday, wearing ‘Child skin’ at the premier of the new Robin Williams comedy, ‘Hotel Rwanda’.

In a related story, the computer game publishing giant, Activision, faces mounting pressure to remove it’s new management simulation game: Death Camp Commandant, from game store shelves around the country.

Run your own concentration camp, for fun.

Death Camp Commandant, a so-called ‘God game’ is similar in playing style to recent blockbuster management games, ‘Al Qaeda Cell Master’, and 'Israel Suicide Bomber’.

Death Camp Commandant gives players an entire ‘Auschwitz’ size concentration camp to run as efficiently as possible, with the ultimate goal being the eradication of what the game describes as the, ‘Jewish question’.

Rob Thomas, Head of PR at Activision, defended the companies game by claiming this was part of the natural evolution of the holocaust into mainstream entertainment. “If you are going to point the finger at Activision, I suggest you point it at Spielberg first. It was Spielberg that proved the genocide can sell in a big way, and at the same time can be educational."

Thomas went onto add that Spielberg’s 1993 smash hit drama, Schindler’s List, “legitimised the holocaust and thus paved the way for Death Camp Commandant”.

Whether Activisions argument holds water or not, it is certainly true that the depiction of the death of ten million people during the Second World War at the hands of the Nazi Party has increasingly become a staple of what we find acceptable as entertainment. Nothing, it appears, is too horrific to keep us entertained for a couple of hours, whether it be the well meaning Schindler’s List or the Robin William movie, Jakob the Liar.

If this is the case then Vogue and Activision are surely just reflecting our culture, not defining it.

Dowling gutted like a haddock: LIVE

"Thank God" says Norton.

As Peter Weller of the famed 80’s pop group The Jam (and star of the 1985 movie Robocop) once sang, “The people get what the people want”, what the people wanted this evening was for the death of Brian Dowling, former star of Big Brother.

Securing only 4% of the overall vote meant that Dowling (34) became the second of 10 contestants from the BBC One surprise smash reality TV game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, to die live on TV.

Unlike last week’s loser, Sebastian Coe, Dowling refused to take his own life, dramatically declaring, “But the public love me, there’s always room for one more camp Irishman on TV.”

Sadly, this just was not the case and in line with the legally binding contract Dowling signed before entering the CEC house, his life became forfeit once he lost the public vote.

Dowling shot to fame only 10 months ago when he became the first ‘gay’ to win Big Brother 3. Since then, he has routinely appeared as a ‘pretend’ TV presenter on such diverse shows as ‘I’m Irish and gay, a bit like Graham Norton’, ‘How gay is your boyfriend?’ and the Montreal TV award winning, ‘More than just gay’.

During a recent interview Dowling was quoted as saying, "I’m sick of just being known by my sexuality, there’s so much more to me than that". When pressed to say exactly what more there was to him he simply replied, “I’m Irish as well.”

Unfortunately, neither his Irishness nor homosexuality could save him from the ‘death by a thousand cuts’ as decided by the production company behind CEC, Mutilated Child.

Show producer Lance Hewitt said of the shows live ‘execution’ which eventually took 45 minutes of continuous knife wounds to end Dowling’s life, “We’d have obviously preferred it if Brian had had the balls enough to top himself, but at the end of the day I guess he was just a total Gaylord”.

Hewitt quickly added, “And by that I mean a coward, obviously his sexuality has nothing to do with it, or anything. I’m totally right on with poofters and that.”


"Dowling: Straight as fuck, TPT: Dyke as hell", says FIVE

Ironically, Dowling was due to be ‘outed’ as being fake gay straight by Channel FIVE in its controversial show ‘Celebrity Outing: LIVE’, later this month. Five have yet to make a statement as to whether the Dowling episode will still air.

Coe blows his brains out: LIVE

COE: First to go.

Sebastian Coe (61), former Olympic darts champion and conservative MP, became the first of ten celebrities to die live on air, following a public vote this evening, which decided his fate.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, now in it’s second week has already seen the attempted suicide by TV presenter John Leslie. During a tear-shed confession, Leslie (52) tried to cut his wrists with a 20cm shatter resistant ruler whilst he talked openly of an addiction to ‘readers wives’ type pornography and a predilection for dirty underwear which he admitted he would habitually steal from his local laundrette.

He only stopped the attempt when it became apparent that the ruler was not so much cutting his wrist as just making it sore.

It was Coe however, that failed to gain enough public votes to secure his position in the CEC house for an additional week.

In line with the BBC’s extreme reality game show rules, the celebrity with the least votes faces euthanasia. In a concession to European legislation, the celebrity in question can decide to take their life in a style of their own choosing.

In a nail biting finale to this evening broadcast, Coe elected to play a round of ‘Russian roulette’, a game made famous by Christopher Walken in the 1982 Michael Winner movie The Deer Hunter.

CEC production team, Mutilated Child handed Coe a revolver gun containing five blank rounds and one live. The objective of the game is to spin the chamber and pull the trigger with the gun pointed at your head.

As Coe himself said shortly before starting the game, “At least this will delay things…well that is until my luck eventually runs out.”

Describing the ‘Kobayashi Maru’, or no win situation, as it is better known, Producer Lance Hewitt said,

“Coe was a real sport, and a dedicated showman to the very end, we couldn’t think of a more exciting conclusion to our first public vote.”

He said before adding, “it’s just a shame it was the very first pull of the trigger that had the live round in it. I’d admit that it brought proceedings to a premature ending, but then Coe always was known for being fast out of the blocks”

Coe achieved only 4% of the public vote, with media analyst suggesting that his role as a Tory MP worked against him.

“You only need to look at (Johnny) Vaughan who got the biggest slice of the votes to realise that the public would rather back an ex-con child killer than a Tory” believes Jill Hanson of the independent consultancy, Media Now! “We also noticed this week that (Gareth) Gates has gone back to using his stutter as a means to garner sympathy with the viewers, it worked in pop idol, and it seems to be working here also”

A memorial service for Coe will be held later this week. In the meantime there is a second chance to see his suicide on Thursday evenings highlight show or at the Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge official website.

Condoleezza is America's sexist woman.

B3: American publishing legend

Bombs, Bullets, and Babes magazine have named US National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice America’s sexist woman.

The American publication ran a poll in its April issue to name readers number one ‘figure of lust’. High in the ranking were The Statue of Liberty, Goldie Hawn, Janet Jackson’s nipple (Jackson herself did not appear in the poll), Paris Hilton and Eleanor Roosevelt. However, it was ‘Bush’s gal’, Rice that hit the highest mark.

“It’s a combination of her striking looks, her no nonsense attitude, and her power to nuke the dang out the rag heads that really appeals to our readers", said Bombs, Bullets, and Babes magazine editor Randy Stradler, “She’s a fox, I know I’d definitely like to hit that tail” He added.

Rice is not the first female politician to top the sexist woman poll in Bombs, Bullets, and Babes. In 1999 former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher, won a landslide vote to be declared, ‘Sexist poontang of the century.’ Britney Spears beat her off the following year.

Bombs, Bullets and Babes magazine annual sexist woman poll, has seen a fair amount of controversy over the years, most notably when it voted Drew Barrymore, star and co-producer of hit movie Charlie’s Angels, the most ‘boneable chick of the year’ in 1982 for her role in Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Barrymore was only five years old at the time.

Stradler defended his readership in a recent interview on Radio 4 Today show when ‘Bombs, Bullets, and Babes’ ran a feature entitled, ‘Top ten coloureds we’d like to lynch’.

“Our readership is made up from a broad cross section of American folk, so it’s a nonsense to suggest it’s only male, fundamentalist Christian, racist, child abusing, republicans that buy our publication.” Stradler told Today’s John Humphries, “It’s also popular with Spics and some Jiggaboos.”

The April issue of Bombs, Bullets, and Babes is on sale from Monday.

We hate each other

Pendrick Montague & Agatha Norris-Love

Pendrick She is fanatical about her routines, up at 7am, shower 7.15am, breakfast 7.40am right through to supper at 8.15pm, bed at 10.05pm. It was endearing at first, but it soon became like a Chinese water torture. If I ever get in the way, it puts her in an evil mood all day.

Agatha He has no idea when the house is dirty; clothes pile up all around us, as does the dust. His personal hygiene is not any better. He shouts at the TV when I watch any programmes about celebrities. He swears loudly in public.

BBC's Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge kicks off!

CEC: The final line up - Only one will be alive in 10 weeks time.

Millions of viewers tuned in last night to watch the first live broadcast from the BBC’s new flagship game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Described by the Guardians media correspondent, Duncan Dooley as, “a cross between Big Bother, Celebrity Jungle Hunt and Oscar winning movie, Million Dollar Baby, but with less boxing,” the show is the BBC’s attempt to recapture viewers lost to the phenomenally successful Channel 4 show, Death Row Big Bother.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge pits 10 celebrities in a ‘hospital style’ studio, who will over the course of the 10 week run engage in a series of challenges against one another.

Each week the celebrity with the lowest cumulative score will be ‘put down’ by one of the shows trained ‘Doctors of Death’, as they are already known by the tabloid press.

The celebrity facing demise, will, as an alternative to forcibly being killed, be encouraged to commit suicide in a method of his or her own choosing. It is suggested this will act as a means of making their final moments more dignified, and according to Mutilated Child, the shows producers, boost ratings.

The winner of the show, the surviving celebrity will be award £250k and a chance to present the second, inevitable series of the show. The presenter for this series is Carol Smiley, who at one time was rumoured to be appearing as a contestant herself.

The identities of the 10 selected celebrities, have until now been kept a secret, although Gail Porter, Johnny Vaughan and Gareth Gates were revealed in the pre-show publicity.

Although only 9 celebrities are currently listed as appearing, (not including the Hamilton’s who count as one) when pressed on this Mutilated Child said, “All will become clearer in the course of the show, so stay tuned”.

Anyone of the celebrities who need to escape from the situation for a while can consult a psychotherapist, or go to a special “consultants room” to speak directly to the viewers.

During the social experiment, tasks will be set by the producers to balance the mood of the situation in the house, and hopeful intensify it.

If the producers of this show have learnt anything from Channel 4’ Death Row Big Brother it is that people will eventually turn off after 48 hours of nothing happening. (Although this is still a very tiny percentage of viewers)

The BBC science editor Gavin Henshaw said: "This will allow us to explore different aspects of their personalities.

"Some of the challenges will involve fighting, leadership skills, co-operation, and blatant physical abuse and so on”

Success in completing challenges will be rewarded with points which can buy extra food or luxuries such as alcohol, but ultimately save their lives.

Comparisons to the smash hit Channel 4 show are inevitable, however producer Lance Hewitt was far from ambivalent regarding the similarity,


'Blue' Peter, former presenters including Fielding, all dead now sadly.

“Tell me, what would you rather watch, some thick, uneducated, unappealing shell of a man being hung, or John Leslie slitting his own wrists in a bath whilst reminiscing about the time he ‘banged’ Yvette Fielding and Catherine Zeta Jones in a three way on the set of Blue Peter?”

Hewitt said, before adding, “I know what I’m going to be watching.”

We love each other

Pendrick Montague & Agatha Norris-Love

Pendrick I was deciding which lemon grass to buy from the organic farm food range in Waitross. Agatha rammed her trolley into me and I noticed she had organic goats milk and a Technicolor poncho. I asked if she was into anal sex. She said only if Sylvia Plath was.

Agatha His flat smelt of fish, he claimed it was a new incense burner. Sonic Youth blared out as I flicked through his tatty copy of The Bell Jar. It had an inscription, which read ‘To Pen, thanks for the new experience’. I stayed all weekend.

Proof my life has no meaning - Part the first

I am about to set off for IKEA on a Saturday. I could have gone any day this week, but I have chosen today.

I know how awful it will be, with the middleclass couples tiptoeing around the pikers with aspirations and a love of Linda Barker and her 'hilarious' Dixons adverts. And all the pikers snot nosed abortion dodgers, getting EVERYWHERE.

I'll be picking bits of the little bastards out of the tread of my converse all week.

Like the long road to hell, knowing the one thing that separates you from this and freedom is the queues at the checkout.

The long long queues at the checkout. And maybe a hot dog or a Shmorulerumer, as they are undoubtedly known in the 'Kea.

What is worse, I don't actually need anything, I'm going with a friend because I have nothing better to do.

UK Prime Minister punches US President

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush, which ended with Ramsay ‘laying out’ the President in a single punch.


The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations in history, the incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to Bush’s remark, describing Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “he knows where to find me.”

The President and his team immediately flew back to the states, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm,

“America is simply not liked in the world, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey puppet in power and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was sweet as a nut.”

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons, however all Ramsay actually faced was a standing ovation from fellow MPs.

“It was like that scene in Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp the retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I had hit him, especially when he asked why France was so gay. Bless Mr Ramsay, he has made a strike for the world”.


Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

Zeth Mongoloid of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

Lying, the new black

Lying, as some old dude once said, “is telling the truth, from a certain point of view”

That point of view is somewhere in Bullshit Land of course, which I believe was the location that Bush and Blair formulated the rationale for the invasion of Iraq.

Anyway, lying is not inherently wrong; there are always grey areas, for example,

Timmy: Uncle Herge, are my parents dead?

Herge: Um, no they are just resting.

Timmy: Why is daddy resting with his head missing?

Herge: Good question Timmy; here have a bar of galaxy.

Or

Winona’s attorney: Have you been stalking my client?

Herge: Um…no.

Or

Vet: Have you been beating your dog with a stale french stick?

Herge: Um...no

Or

Girlfriend: Were you flirting with my best friend Sarah?

Herge: Um…no.

See no harm done, and as it happens Sarah was flirting with me, but then that was over ten years ago so who cares now? Well me, Sarah was hot, I should have gone off with her and left my then girlfriend behind. We may have been married with children by now, living a happy fulfilled existence, rather than this one.

Not that I’m unhappy with my life of course, its great.

That was an example of a white lie. This is a lie where no one gets hurt, or at least no one worth bothering about.

Lying is never wrong.

Not ever.

Unless you find out someone has lied to you, in which case, “Damn them all to hell!”


Obsessed? but she's so pretty...

These are a few of my favourite lies,

Parent to child: “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up”

Girlfriend to me: “It doesn’t matter, it happens to everyone” (this followed my disastrous pounding at Halo by my 10-year-old nephew)

Me to everyone: “No, I’m fine, honest”

Boss to me: “There is a future for you in this company”

Me to Boss: “I like my job”

Me to everyone: “The Winona obsession is an ironic, post modern joke”

Everyone to me: “The grey in your hair looks good”

Me to my friends: “I like you best”

Me to my girlfriends at the time: “I love you”

Them to me: “I know”

Some poor souls have enormous trouble lying. My mate, lets call him Mr X, he cannot lie for toffee, or any other confectionary, or indeed for anything at all. Useless. I’m always telling him, if when you lie you start to stutter and blush, you need to do this all the time, then when you do lie, no one will know. Sorted.

They say the best way to tell a lie is to hide it in an even bigger lie. See if you can spot the real lie here,

“No honey, honestly, when I was in the supermarket there was an armed siege. A couple of shoppers were shot dead, I dived on the ground just as the gunman fired. Thank god, it missed me, but it did destroy the last of the lillets. The police came, killed them all, and let me go. Here’s the rest of the shopping”

I think everyone should tell at least one lie per day. If you do, you will soon feel like you are taking a bit of yourself back, piece by piece.

Here are some lies you may want to try on for size,

“I’ll do it right away”, “I’m busy”, “I already gave”, “You look great”, “Hmm this is tasty”, “My pleasure”, “It’s good to see you”, “I haven’t got time”, “We should get together, soon”, “You have a wrong number”, “You look good in that”, “I don’t have any change”, “I missed you”, “I love you”, “I love the children”.

I swear, as soon as you start incorporating more lying into your daily routine you will feel a world better – honestly you will… no seriously.

And don’t worry about those people who claim they never lie; they are clearly to stupid to lie.

Boiler and Angry Chimp

Angry Chimp shivers, but not this time through anger, although he is angry.

No, he shivers because he is used to a warmer climate, a tropical climate, somewhere in the region of 25°C, or, as we know it in our small home, top of the thermostat.

The boiler has died and we huddle together for warmth as we wait for the chap to come fix it.

For it will be a chap.

Unless it is a woman, but then I think Wesley is the name of a chap.

Just not much of one.

Not like Rowdy, Chuck, or Timothy.

It’s been a couple of days now, without hot water or hot radiators, a couple of days with the temperature dropping to –2°C or –3°C or –50°C.

“Get a fucking grip,” Angry Chimp barks at me. “Christ sake, you are such a spineless wimp”.

It is true for it is only relatively recently that I have lived in a house with radiators.

Before they were storage heaters, which I think are still radiators, but … never as good.

And when I was paid to do nothing all day, what was that called again?

“Being a student?” Angry Chimp suggests.

Yes, when I was for a brief couple of times a student we had no heat, or food. Well we had food, just not nice food like salad, and apples and Galaxy bars.

“What’s happened to you man? When did you become so lame?” Angry Chimp says before ‘clipping me round the ear ’ole’, like he’s the local bobby on the beat and I’m just some cockney scamp or barra boy...


Oh Winona, you can keep me warm.

“My parents were cockneys,” I tell Angry Chimp.

“I KNOW,” he replies, “You never bleedin’ stop going on about it! Every bloody time we watch something on telly about the bloody capital you feel the need to tell me AGAIN! And thing is this…” Angry Chimp says.

“What is the thing?” I ask.

Angry Chimp launches a mug filled with hot coffee at me, I duck just in time, and it smashes on the wall behind me. Harmlessly.

Harmlessly for me that is, not so harmless for the innocent yukka it has just killed.

“Sod it, even my bloody aim is off today” Angry Chimp says and slumps down in his wrapped around duvet, looking depressed.

I suddenly, and inexplicably feel sorry for him, for he may be a simian filled with pathological rage, typical directed at me, but he is my fuming monkey, and no one else’s.

“Don’t worry Angry Chimp,” I say, putting an arm around his shaking shoulder, “The man will be here soon to give us heat back, then you’ll feel better.”

“I know” Angry Chimp says and he puts his paw on my hand.

And then he squeezes, quite hard.

“It’s far too cold to be really upset at you for this”; he says “But as soon as the heat comes back on, oh boy, watch out.”

I shiver, but it is not because of the cold.

Quiz presenter Paul Ross dies at 58

Ross: His failure as a singer only exacerbated his 'emotional' issues

BREAKING NEWS: It has been revealed this morning that quiz show presenter and, ‘brother of more a famous celebrity’ Paul Ross, was found dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas, Nevada USA on Saturday. He died of a suspected heart attack.

Ross was 58.

A post-mortem found there were signs of significant natural pathology but conclusions on the causes of death could not yet be drawn, although Deputy coroner Dr David Bexhill commented that the body maintained an exceptionally high level of purified sugar,

“It looks like the deceased literally stuffed himself to death”, noted Bexhill before adding, “He checked into the Luxor (hotel) on Thursday evening, by the time the body was discovered by the maid on Saturday morning the room had in excess of two thousand candy bar wrappers in it”.

Ross was a notorious ‘Twinkaholic’, a common addiction amongst failing celebrities for the American snack food, Twinkies. Twinkies are a cake-bar with two sugar buns filled with sugar cream. This is not to be confused with ‘Twinks’ an American slang term for a youthful homosexual man.


A Twink next to a Twinkie. Ross loved to 'eat' one of these.

Ross is rumoured to have imported up to five thousand Twinkies bars a month for the past three years.

His management team made a brief statement this morning stating that Ross had been battling depression and an eating disorder caused by his inability to move out of day time TV, in particular the most recent quiz show Ross was fronting, ITV’s lunchtime filler ‘Slap my monkey for cash,

“It was crippling for Ross”, said Jennifer March, Ross’s manager of five years, “he firmly believed he could do much better”, she said, before concluding, “but as everyone else knew, he certainly couldn’t”.

Ross comes from a family of TV personalities and presenters, which was first set up as an experiment in the 1950’s by the then Labour government, to genetically engineer working class and lower middle class people into mainstream entertainment.

A first early success for the team responsible was Ross’s uncle, Tommy Steele, the popular singer, mostly notable for the smash hit single, 'My little pink balls'.

However, it was his brother, chat show host and ‘lippy twat’, Keith Chegwin, who achieved the greatest success of the two brothers. It was a success that Ross could never accept, sources closes to Ross revealed today, with feelings of jealously and resentment dominating his daily life.

These feelings bubbled dramatically to the surface during a broadcast of Chegwin’s Friday evening chat show, in November last year. Whilst interviewing his brother, Chegwin asked Ross what the format was for his new daytime quiz show, Ross replied;


Ross (bearded)with bother Cheggers in 1981

“Who gives a fuck? It’s just some shit that only cripples, spacks, coffin dodgers and those lazy piss stained bastards who are just too idle or too thick to get a job and get them out the house, watch to fill their empty days”.

Ross said before adding, “Not like that parade of over paid no talent media whores you get here every week for you to fawn over like the pathetic insincere sycophantic bastard you are”.

Ross later apologised for any offence he had caused and blamed his outburst on ‘exhaustion’.

Ross’s closest friend Dr Harold Shipman, presenter of Radio 4’s Case Notes, had this to say about Ross,

“He was not the easiest person to get along with at times”, Shipman said, “his arrogance was only matched by his massive ego, the tragedy of course was that in terms of presenting TV he just wasn’t very good, and I think deep down he knew it.”

Shipman went on to say that Ross had an inability to engage with the contestants on the show’s he presented, “They typically came away thinking he was a complete and utter tit”, Shipman said.

Ross is survived by twenty-three half eaten Mars bars and his nine-year-old Collie, Superstar.

Porter and Vaughan both sign up for Euthanasia

Porter: Sadly effected by big head, small body syndrome

BBC One revealed today that the TV presenters, Gail Porter and ‘jail bird’ Johnny Vaughan, are both confirmed for the forthcoming extreme reality game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Porter (15) became notorious as the ‘Parliament flaps girl’, following a publicity stunt staged by ‘lads’ magazine ‘Erection’, in which her spread open legs were projected onto the Houses of Parliament.

Although this in many people’s eyes was bad enough, matters were made worse when it became clear that her vagina covered the members’ entrance to the house, prompting the BBC Radio 4 satirical news quiz show to quip,

“It was the first time that anyone could recall Peter Mandelson entering a woman, the same could not be said of course for Glenda Jackson,”

Vaughan (46) is the ‘TV Presenter with a past’ as the tabloid newspapers quickly dubbed him when he first appeared on UK screens in 1999. The past turned out to be a ten-year jail sentence for armed robbery and the manslaughter of 12-year-old Nikki Peters, during the getaway. Vaughan’s introduction to the UK audiences on Channel 4’s popular breakfast show, ‘Up at the crack’, provoked outrage in the Commons. Forcing the then home secretary Rod Hull MP to comment,

“He (Vaughan) has served his sentence and is now fully rehabilitated. If he is restricted from pursuing a career based a crime he has paid for, then what message does this send out about UK justice?”

When Hull was challenged regarding Vaughan’s alleged drug use following his release from prison, Hull responded,

“Surely a drug habit is a requisite for Television, not a barrier to it?”


Vaughan: Just effected by a big head

It is certainly the case that both Vaughan and Porter have seen better days. However their inclusion into a show that promises at least nine celebrity deaths over five weeks will undoubtedly further raise its profile.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge will need to have the highest profile possible as it goes head to head with the ratings juggernaut that is Death Row Big Brother in little over a weeks time.

For more on Death Row Big Brother click here.

DRBB2: First promotional image released

DRBB2: A stark image suggests harder edge for DRBB2

Production company Abortion Tickles released the 1st official Death Row Big Brother 2 promotional artwork today.

The image is that of Darren Webb, who as the poster claims was murdered outside a Chinese takeaway in the small rural town of Bromyard. Herefordshire, in June of last year.

Webb was 31 at the time of the incident and a married father of two.

Interestingly, Webb's murderer was never caught, which prompts the question is DRBB2 suggesting a legal coup in having found his killer and placed him in the house? This will of course be despite the fact that he or she would not have faced a legal process to establish guilt, beyond a resonable doubt. On the other hand, the implication could be that DRBB2 attempts to reduce violent crime by so graphically depicting the results of such actions.

No one from Abortion Tickles, Channel 4 or Webb’s family was available for comment.

Whatever the interpretation of the campaign one thing is certain, DRBB2 already appears to be as controversial, if not more so, than the first series of the show which ultimately saw the deaths of 30 people live on air over the course of it’s ten week run.

For more articles on Death Row Big Brother visit the official site;

all the gory, graphic details are here...

Gareth Gates signs up to die.

Gates: First of the gang to die?

In an effort to minimise the damage done by last Friday’s historic finale to Death Row Big Bother, now officially the most successful and controversial extreme reality game show of all time, the BBC today announced the first contestant on its newest games show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Speaking to reporters this morning at London’s largest record store, SLUTS, positioned prominently in Piccadilly Circus, the shows producer Lance Hewitt said,

“Gareth Gates is just one of ten reasons to watch this show”,

When asked what the other nine were, Hewitt responded in his now characteristic bluntness,

“The other contestants, you dozy tit”.

The BBC were keen to distance itself from last weeks rumours that the intend contestant list for CEC was less than stellar, with former 80’s game show host Jimmy Harris setting the benchmark for the talent the show would attract.

With the unveiling of Gates (17) as the first of ten celebrities who will risk death for an opportunity to be once again in the spot light, it initially appears that the BBC may have a DRBB killer up it’s sleeve after all.

The next two weeks is likely to see a tit-for-tat campaign of ‘shock’ advertisement by both Abortion Tickles, the brains behind DRBB and Mutilated Child, the producers of CEC, as they attempt to get the most ‘viewer recognition’ and ‘must see appeal’, in this crucial period.

As always it fell to Hewitt to have the last word at today’s press conference, when asked if his show could possibly see off Death Row Big Brother, Hewitt simply said.

“You fuckin’ knows it!”

The first Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge is due to air on BBC One at 8.00pm Friday 5th March, with Death Row Big Brother 2 scheduled to appear on Channel 4 just one week later.

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Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge