Friday, November 18, 2005

Angry Chimp research team reveal truth behind Brit's concerns.

In an independent poll commissioned by my mum, Angry Chimp can exclusively reveal the daily pressing concerns of the British public.

Graph showing what is important to UK voters3


Obviously this poll does not take into account the effect that Grant's return to the Square has had on the public, but judging by the 'chatter' at the office, its negligible (at best).

Angry Chimp is shocked that no one seems to be arsed about the War in Iraq, male white corporate oppression or the fact that it's really shit on telly at the minute.

Your thoughts on this matter as always are most welcome.

NOTE FOR NON-UK READERS:

Ready Brek = Sick in a bowl, heated and eaten by the poor, the old and those without taste buds.

Phil + The Square = Shit, badly written, tedious soap opera, watched by thick people.

Terrorism = The pretend kind, not the real terrorism that the Government & media inflicts on us daily with horror stories of disease, fuel shortage, recession and attack from 'made up' SPECTRE style world wide network of baddies.

Hope that helped.


25 comments:

Sniffy said...

I love that! Robot temps too.

"Who signs my timesheet?"

Yes, very good, excellent, we love it. And you're not a cunt.

Herge Smith said...

Bless, but Robot temps was a little strip my pal did years ago that I simply tacked on - for kicks.

I am a cunt, but in a good way

Sniffy said...

Well yes, there are different types of cunts, obviously. I think most people in the UK are worried about which chocolate assortments to go for at Christmas this year: there's an ever changing and expanding choice of the fucking things. Gone are the days when it was a toss up between Roses and Quality Street. No, now we have Heros, Celebrations, Segsations, PLUS the poncy Thorntons and Marks's things too. I'll leave it there, it's given me an idea for something on my Advent Calendary Blog series - sshhhhh.

Herge Smith said...

You fucker! I'm working on mine at the min.

Actually I'll send you the very rough outline.

Sniffy said...

Well, like you said, you do it for you and fuck everyone else.

Hey, I took the WV off yesterday and I've only had about 5 spam comments. That spam poison might just be doing the trick. I've probably spoken too soon.

cali said...

ahem... (feel like i'm butting in to a private conversation here).

not familiar with the square - is it just off the street, next to where it crosses the road, by the side of a brook somewhere on the east side of london? and is phil one of the neighbours that lives there? i'll be sure to avoid it when i come back for crimbo - unless me mum watches it.

Herge Smith said...

Cali - he's just some twat, yeah, best avoided - although when your at your mums (in the UK I assume) if you catch any BBC TV you're sure to see a trailer for another Xmas eastenders special which will inevitable feature death, sex, misery, violence, hatred and all without swear - yep, now as traditional as getting shit faced at the office party and fingering a temp... erm... not that I've ever...

Actually I never have, I was just trying to shock.

Didn't work did it?

Sniffy said...

Fingering the temp isn't that shocking, surely? I'm working on my line manager at the moment. She's filling in on mat leave and I just act myself around her - this, I'm told can be quite flirtatious. See how much we can build up. Not that I fancy her or anything, and she's got a girlfriend, I just want to see if I can.

Is that bad?

Eastenders is shit.

Herge Smith said...

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for fingering anymore. When I was a kid it was just jab it in as hard as possible and then spend the night sniffing your fingers imagining what sticking your tongue uo there would be like - but then it was a much more innocent time.

Perhaps you should explore the etiquette of fingering in more detail on your blog?

Sniffy said...

Well, you tend to wait until there's some signal that somebody wants it first. I mean, I couldn't wander into her office, shut the door behind me and just go for it. Although there's a slim possibility that she might enjoy it, there's a very STRONG possibility that I'd get a) sacked and b) sent away for indecent assault. Still, a jail term in clit clink might be something to look forward to. So long as they didn't make me wach Eastenders and Bad Girls. I couldn't cope with that.

Herge Smith said...

So funny -

"Yes Tina, what do you want"

(Tina's finger pointing straight forward)

"I've come to give you a fingering"

"Oh.... are you going to do this as part of your lunch break?"

Sniffy said...

Yes, so long as I don't go over my half hour lunch break, it'd be fine.

I don't even fancy the woman - she's not a minger or anything, but she's just, I dunno, I don't fancy her - but that's not to say that I wouldn't, you know, to see if I could. Because that's what you do I suppose.

suburban wonder said...

Oi!

They took Eastenders off BBC America after Cat revealed that she'd been molested by her uncle and that her sister was really her daughter. Little Mo had moved in with Billy. Jamie died. Tiffany had come back and was behind the bar. I didn't even know Phil had left the square. Shit.

They've just put Bad Girls on. It looks utter shite.

Fingering. Ah, I miss the old days.

cali said...

but they did just start showing "shameless" (after midnight!). that more than makes up for it.

pissoff said...

How did we get on to fingering here? What is going on. I miss a couple of days and all hell breaks loose.

Ahhh, the good ole innocent days hey Herge? I'm off to bed... just me an my finger.

pissoff said...

How did we get on to fingering here? What is going on. I miss a couple of days and all hell breaks loose.

Ahhh, the good ole innocent days hey Herge? I'm off to bed... just me an my finger.

Sniffy said...

And she thinks that posting the same comment twice will make up for her neglect.

Tsk.

How did we get onto fingering? Eastenders being a Christmas tradition as much as fingering the temp at the Christmas party is. Happy to help.

red one said...

Hmm. interesting polling...

D'you think it's because Ready Brek makes you glow in the dark but in a less contentious way than white phosphorus?

red

Herge Smith said...

That's very true red, and apparently the yanks and brits are far more upfront about the use of ready brek in hostile environments... makes you wonder just what that glow really is....

Steve Dix said...

I was crushed with disappointment when I found out that Ready Brek didn't give you the strange golden aura that it did in the advert.

Karen said...

LOL. Hey, listen now, one can eat Ready Brek and watch shit soap operas every day... It's hard to fit terrorism into your everyday lifestyle!

"Oh, it's 11:00... Time to go get suicide bombed again."

tfcfhcl

Spirit Of Owl said...

I do glow when I eat Ready Brek.

thordora said...

sick in a bowl.....I see you have Cream of Wheat too...

Rowan said...

SAd to say, I think such things as your "price of ready-brek" is a universal dillema, only here it would be called the price of "cream of wheat" in either case, such is the dithering of our peoples.

Yes, I find that it is true. Peop.e care more for thier mundane, stupid lives, than things that might be of greater, outside importance.

Well, off to read my Corrie update and to contemplate the price of gas these days then....

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to point out that its not just thick people that watch the square.
Women watch it too