Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Angry Chimp's 24 hour drinking binge.

I am very drunk. Very drunk indeed.

And here's how I did it.

11.00am I started drinking as soon as the doors opened at 'The Wanked Pig' which is my local tavern.

I drank 3 pints of Old Weasel Juice, followed by a shot of Jack Daniels and a packet of Cheese and Onion Crisps.

12.10pm Got slighted annoyed by a chatter of suited yoofs from the local Ad agency; talking shite about 'copy' and 'market penetration' (without even laughing, I might add) I decided to move on.

12.20pm I entered 'The Hung Pensioner' and ordered a pint of their local brew 'Stained Sheet' (I believe it's from a micro brewery out near Pershore). I then had a ploughman's lunch and a pint of Guinness.

1.00pm After an incident involving a pool cue and an argument over who played Duran Duran in the Vadim movie 'Barbarella' (I said Milo O'Shea, the other chap swore it was David Hemmings) I was forced to leave, despite having a chunk of Cheddar and a pickled onion to get through.

1.23pm After a brief chase with 'Hemmings, Hemmings' being hollered behind me, and then a steady walk I arrive at the doors of a pub I have barely frequented in the past. The Mutilated Child.

I go up to the bar and order a shot of best rum and a pint of Gargled Cum. Delicious, both of them.

I then engage the young blond barmaid in a discussion about the Government's proposed 90 days detention policy. She informs me that they should shoot them, even without charge, 'cause that'd stop 'em coming here in the first place. I ask her who 'they' are. She says darkies. I ask her where she developed such an interesting political outlook. She tells me she got a 2:1 in PPE from Oxford last year.

I finish my drink and leave.

1:51pm I bump into an old friend outside the Red Rag Lion (Formally the 'On the Rag' theme pub). Ali is a young conservative that is backing Cameron over Davies. I order a couple of pints of Speckled Cock and a couple of bags of salted pigs' ears. During our pint, the discussion becomes quite animated - we are after all on opposite sides of the political spectrum. There is some shouting and the table goes over -

"It should be a society for all, not the just the individual."

"Bollocks, individual responsibility is the key to a strong Britain and a resilient attitude in the face of the global threat from terrorism".

As you can see, quite heated. We eventually calm down when we realise that we can't remember who was screaming which policy.

"That's the state of modern politics" Ali concludes, and at that I spat in his face and walked out.

3:01pm It had already started to get dark so I headed for my favourite drinking den, Alfonso's Wine Bar.

Alfonso's has such a warm and vibrant atmosphere, the staff are the best in the business, friendly and convivial, the drinks varied but reasonably priced. You'll often see the intelligentsia of Upper Malvern supping a beverage whilst quoting Thomas, or discussing iambic pentameter and Latvian verse.

It really is the only drinking establishment in this small town that I feel 100% happy in. With great joy I walked up to the sturdy old door, which itself once formed part of the hull of that great British war ship, the African Enslaver.

It was shut, so I went next door to Murdered Immigrant.

I had 3 pints of bitter (Unionist kneecap) washed down with a shot of Old Spice and a small cheese sandwich which the landlord said he'd found 'out back'.

I really don't know what I was talking about in here but once it turned 5:00pm a number of office workers turned up which led to me standing on a table, dropping my trousers and pointing my arse at them.

I only stopped when one of them (my boss Michael Mannerson) asked me where I'd been all day as I hadn't shown up to work and hadn't booked a day off.

I quickly pretended to be from former Yugoslavia and fled the pub.

5:43pm By now I was quite hammered and slightly disappointed that it seemed unlikely I was going to experience a full 24 hours drinking - a new law that was a long time coming.

I walked through the graveyard where I stopped briefly for a slash before passing out on the grave of Lizzie Henley (14) who died of Stephacockaliticus in 1876.

7:23pm I awoke, wiped the sick off my coat, removing as much of it from my hair as possible and continued to walk home.

I shouted as loudly as I could all the way home, announcing to the world that I had indeed been drinking and feared none of society's social constraints on public declarations of utter stupidity.

I also stole some car aerials and swore at any couples that walked past me, asking them what they thought they were looking at.

They mostly kept quiet which prompted me to use a follow question enquiring if they were hard of hearing.

9:21pm. It has so far taken me approximately 2 hours to cover a distance I can manage with 2 miniature dachshunds in 15 mins. But it's a dry night, and the walk was exhilarating. Especially at approximately 8:31pm when a police car pulled up along side me and I was forced to hide behind someone's hedge, partially destroying it in the process.

I must say the Police and Government's plan to measure how successful this 24hr drinking is by the number of arrests they make tonight is an excellent idea. Like seeing how safe it would be to drop a bomb in Sheffield town centre by the number of body parts they pick up afterwards. Inspired - not that anyone would really care, or notice if more bombs were dropped on Sheffield.

9:42pm. Finally arrived home. Safe and sound. Although my right leg is bleeding, my coat is now missing the 'zip on the hood' section, I can't find my wallet and I seem to have no socks on, yet I still have shoes, although I'm fairly certain they aren't my shoes.

I then poured myself a glass of wine and sat down to write this post.

I might go back out in a bit and see if I can do the whole 24hr period, like the time we did when we were students and we were drinking Marty's home brew and playing Streetfighter on my SNES, and then we had a couple of spliff's and Janko thought it would be a great idea to cook absolutely everything in the kitchen into one big pancake.

It's always happy days when you're boozing.


Sniffy said...


I LOVE IT!! And no, I haven't left caps lock on accidentally.

Everything, the little details, EVERYTHING about this post had me in stitches. You're ace, I love you, how could ever think of leaving me, you selfish cunt.

You men are all the same and I hate you. You said you were different and I thought we had something special there for a while, but the same old selfishness came through.


Herge Smith said...

Thanks Tina, and very very clever comment - I was thinking for a minute - aye up, what's she on about then I got it.


Sniffy said...

It just came out that way... But I liked it once I started down that track and it sort of looked OK.

I do love you in a funny sort of "my long lost brother" way. Only you're better than my brother because I don't know you and you're not as annoying as him. And you can use photoshop.

Herge Smith said...

That's nice.

Although my sister would say I was just annoying and a bad bother, and my photoshop skills were a moot point, at best.

Sniffy said...

But that is what brother/sister relationships are about. Have you photoshopped your sister, perchance?

Has she ever told you to "suck a fuck"?

Herge Smith said...

No, but then she is no stranger to phoning me up out of the blue, telling me I'm a bad bother and calling me a cunt.

And she never touches a drop of booze either.

edwaado said...

You had to make yourself right on the film trivia didn't you?

Sniffy said...

Teetotals are total cunts.

Fancy wasting your time by telling you that over the phone! Couldn't she drop you an e-mail or something? At least you could delete it unread if she did that.

Some people have no consideration.

I tell you what I miss about not drinking? Drinking from opening time on an empty stomach. Use to love that - go through till about 8pm and start to feel shit and tired. But it was great all the same.

Hey ho.

Sniffy said...

David hemmings was the other one in barbarella. Everybody knows milo played duran duran.

Herge Smith said...

edwaado - of course.

Tina - yep, he played dildano, or something.

Herge Smith said...

Teetotalers are cunts.

But the worst ones are the ones that say shit like;

"I just get high on the atmosphere"

YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH RIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT. Then why are they tpically the most miserable bastards in the room.

Don't seem to be working does it?

Anonymous said...

I shouldn't be reading this at work. I'm going to have to shut the door because everyone can hear laughing.

I agree, you fucking wanker. Ohhh, not really I'm just saying it becasue Tina said it and you liked it.

You are a master Herge.


Sniffy said...

Being teetotal has to be one of the most miserable fucking things that a person can be. Going out is a fucking nightmare and I hate it. You go out to get trolleyed, end of story. People who say otherwise are liars.

Sniffy said...

Hi April, he's brilliant, isn't he?

I loved the "pretended to be a yugoslavian and ran off" bit.

Lost my zip-off hood! Har har har

Herge Smith said...

Thank you thank you - and what a day it's been, the book thing (I got two and a half pages!!), this post went better than i thought, my favourite people have commented, both Tina and April (not so much edwaado though).

Yes, a great day, and time for bed.

Night all.

pissoff said...

Agreed Sniff. My favourite quote from this piece:

"I quickly pretended to be from former Yugoslavia and fled the pub."

Now how many times have I done that? Well, none really but I'd love to give it a go.

garfer said...

I am speechless with admiration.
Can I buy you a pint?

Kim said...

Congrats on winning the shorts! I hope they get to visit one of any of the pubs you frequent, although I'm quite certain it would earn you a beating. Pffft! Such is the price of fame, and everyone knows you have to suffer for art. Can't wait to see your submission, please let me know when you post your entry!

thordora said...

Oh that made my morning!

The image of you staring at your feet, wondering where your socks had gotten to....classic...

funny thing said...

I once did the Bristol Ale Trail in one day (drink 20 pints of guest ale from 20 different pubs, get a t-shirt).

Good points - can't remember it.
Bad points - It was Bass week. Eggy old Bass. 20 pints of. Haven't touched it since.

Interesting beers you have all the way.. er... about 40 miles from where I am now (pretending to work). Must pay a visit.

Rowan said...

herge, could you explain some of the names of your "pints?" we don't really use the pint system in Canada, and I don't really "get" some of those peculiar names.

Great post btw, you werne't really drunk were you?

surly girl said...

aww, who says only the british get irony?

am loathe to join the suckups but it really was fucking brilliant.

Spirit Of Owl said...

Another brilliant satirical work, good Herge. Laugh out loud funny, and hilariously true. Except, you're a bit of a light-weight. I would have made it much later into the day.

Well done on the Elf Shorts!

Ship Creak said...

Reminds me of a time when Herge and me spent an afternoon boozing in Malvern one New Years Eve, while our mates were at work.

Good feeling that, boozing whilst knowing that your mates are stuck in the office. Har har.

edwaado said...

Yes I remember that, Herge called me (at work) 10 minutes in and you were already nursing your head and saying you wanted to go home

Andi said...

You know, I want to drink at the Wanked Pig.

With such a delightful post (it was very funny) I can't wait to see you in those bloody elf shorts!

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I wanted to BE the wanked pig!