Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Flu is coming to get you

Well that’s just bloody great. So, I can no longer rush to my GP in a blind panic, caused by the recent media and Government declaration that within 6 –12 months - we’ll all be dead of bird flu; and get a jab to protect me from the common or garden variety flu, which will offer me no protection from bird flu other than some reassurance in my feeble ‘celebrity obsessed’ brain that it probably must help a bit, don’t it?

Hmm. Seems Health Secretary Patty Hewitt is unsure as to why the shortage of flu vaccine has occurred, but will get an investigation started to ‘get to the bottom of it’ and blame the GPs as soon as possible.

The GPs on the other hand are suggesting it’s time the ‘worried well’ or ‘hypo-fucking-chondriacs’ as they used to be called, get a fucking grip and stop haranguing them and leave some vaccine for the genuinely at risk: rich and important people.

Patty Patty Patty; don’t waste your time; give me a call luv; I’ll tell you who is to blame – YOU.

You and your government’s continual attempts to scare the shit out of us little people with stories of Gas shortages, vaccine shortages, Panda Cola shortages and TERRORISTS TERRORISTS TERRORISTS. Oh and your pals in the media, they’re complicit at best, what with all their concern for us un-elected Proles, which is not the least bit led by what makes good copy, sells papers and gets us to tune in to the news (not Newsnight of course, only wankers and A level politics students watch that).

I’m actually quite mad at the Government, you can tell, can’t you? I mean, for fuck sake, they’ve been in power now for years and they still haven’t stop death. People are literally dying daily and the Government does nothing. Useless.

And I’m not that impressed by people in general, and this flu thing just sums up how retarded we can all be. Despite the papers, TV, numerous beige Government officials, my hairdresser and your fat co-worker telling us that there is NO VACCINE for bird flu, and that normal flu vaccine will do piss all, people still flock to get a jab – y’know, just in case.

It’s deeply annoying for several reasons:

Most healthy people can weather a dose of flu – it’s the old and vulnerable that need a jab, not bloody Martin Jenkins from the Accounts team down in the Basingstoke office. Which just goes to show what a selfish bunch of cunts we can be.

As stated above it’ll do nothing to stop you getting a dose of bird flu if it does materialise (I suspect it’ll turn up at the same time as those pesky weapons of mass destruction Saddam had stashed under his mattress – did anyone even think of looking there I wonder?) If you got a jab because of bird flu it proves you’re a thick fuck that believes everything they see on TV without necessarily understanding it.

Why do all these ‘scaredy cats’ want to avoid flu? – It’s a week off work at least! Come on people, get a grip – sure the first few days will be nasty, but your guaranteed at least half a week sitting around in your jammies and dressing gown watching This Morning and Trisha.

The fact is, GPs ordered quantities of vaccine using the same parameters as previous years – it wasn’t them that started talking up the ‘FOREIGN KILLER FLU FROM OVERSEAS’ (which probably has some sort of link to Al Queda – likely cooked up in one of their labs located in the heart of a dormant volcano). So let’s just give them a break, yeah?

Instead, how about we blame those that are to blame; which according to this post is everyone but GPs, who didn’t make a mistake in the quantities they ordered because frankly, they were too busy making large sums of cash whilst treating their patients like children. Giving them short shrift during the 45 seconds they allocate to each case and God forbid GPs should work out of hours or at weekends or even, dare I say it, shifts. Oh no, these delicate geniuses need the weekend to recover from being patronising bastards all week.


Flu jab for bird flu


Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for SARS and Mad Cow to do me in. I suppose Bird Flu will have to just wait its turn!

-Aak, not to be confused with Aas :o)

Herge Smith said...

Ahhh, he she is, back where she belongs.

You've not been hanging round with any other nasty bloggers have you?

Anonymous said...

No sir. The fact that I have a few precious free moments of time on my hands and that I share them with you should be testiment to what fond memories I hold for the likes.

Work swallows me, my internet porn habit finally broke my computer (damn viruses!), and my life is so rote that there is really nothing of interest to share. That being said, I do enjoy these moments we share.

Spot on about the bird flu btw.


Sniffy said...

Fucking brilliant Herge. I've been screaming at the TV and my Mimi colleagues (who I MUST let teh world know about) who have been panicking about bird flu.

You echo my thoughts completely and it's that cocksucker Donaldson who's been the Government's panicmaster general over this one (no doubt under instruction from Screwitt). Bunch of incompetent, scaremongering, fucking fucktard wanking cunts!


Not more than 60 deaths WORLD WIDE and the government is panicking the whole country and telling us that it's going to kill 50,000 of us. Tossers. And tossers who believe them want shooting.


Herge Smith said...

Lis - how'd your porn habit bust your computer? Sounds interesting...

Tina - thought you might... it's getting all political over here at the min... must put a stop to that.

garfer said...

We need a dose or six of bird flu to kill off the crumblies. They smell of pee and bung up the GP surgeries reading 'The Peoples Friend'.
Less of them about and there would be no need for mobility scooters.
I've never had flu, consequently have no resistance, and will probably die horribly.
I like to look on the bright side.

Anonymous said...

Viruses, my friend, virures. Crashed everything and erased my hard drive. I had no back up, so all of my pirated music files and pictures of the first five years of my son's life are gone. Lesson learned. I've kicked the habit.

Herge Smith said...

Well, what with these shortages of vaccine we will now have many deaths due to 'classic flu' - so that's good then.

And will mean that the bird flu PANDEMIC PANDEMIC PANDEMIC -(they fucking love saying PANDEMIC) prediction of death and disease will become somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy.

And when did epidemic not cut it as a scarey word anymore?

Herge Smith said...

I'm hoping that the pics of your kids first 5 years weren't part of your porn collection, cause that would be a bit of a worry - euuuhhhh....

That reminds me, my virus guard runs out tomorrow - time to find another trial version.

cali said...

you'd think it'd be pretty easy for our govts to say "vaccines for the needy only"; the very young, the very old, the very immune-impaired and the very rich. don't think the pharma companies would go for that tho there's profits to be made and CEOs to be paid. "Doc. got a bit of a twinge in me back, how about a year's supply of vicodin? And while yer at it throw in some viagra, worrying about the bird flu's making it hard to get it up." "Righto, coming right up."
Of course our leaders need the fear factor more than they need rigged ballots. Makes ya nostalgic for the good old Soviet bloc.
And for the days when they had something worth listening to; "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." And the bird flu.

Spirit Of Owl said...

To paraphrase the barely recognised lyrical genius of Australian TV chef Pat Benatar, "Stop using sense as a weapon."

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Very well said, sir.

Couldn't agree more. The GP's and the selfish cunt's who panic at the first notion (like they did during the petrol madness), together with that daft tart representing the gov't are all to blame.

Tina's got mad cow disease, hasn't she? Garfer told me so.

suburban wonder said...

Love it, love it, love it. Keep it coming, and sneeze this way - I could use a week off.

MHN for short said...

"Luv" the way you've integratted the american slang. :-)

You can generally avoid the flu by washing your hands. Why don't the media and the ones supposedly "in-the-know" tell the average joe about this???

Just a personal aside... It takes alot of energy to be patronizing for a whole week. I just did it and I'm tired. Luv to ya, Herge!

Enjoyed your piece. :-)

Anonymous said...

Trying not to be facetious here, epidemic is limited to a smaller area but a pandemic is more worldwide, oh shit.........were all going to die!!!!!!!

Faltanus said...

Yeah, the "Bird Flu" is yet another way our politicians and media have of distracting us from real issues. here in the u.s. of a. the media storm about the killer virus came right at the same time that the Republican party was on the verge of imploding with its leaders in the white house (Karl Rove and VP Dick Cheney), the senate (Bill Frist) and the house of representatives (Tom Delay) all being involved in scandals of one sort or another. not to mention the fact that things in Iraq continue to spiral down into a hellish quagmire.

the thing about the bird flu is that this is not new. doctors and scientist have known about this for decades. from time to time a flu virus that is native to birds mutates into a form that can infect and be transmitted by humans. in 1918 it happened with a particularly virulent form of the flu and 25 million people died. so isn't that news worthy? well one thing the medical profession and scientists seem to agree on is that while they are aware of the problem, the truth of the matter is no one can predict when the virus is going to mutate and cause the pandemic to happen and even worse, when it does happen there isn't really a damn thing we can do about it. just as with the typical flu season, despite vaccinations and washing of hands and etc., people still get sick. if/when the really nasty virus does mutate and make it into the human population, a lot of people are going to get VERY sick, a lot of people are going to die, and there isn't a damn thing that the politicians and health officials can do to stop it. they can probably slightly lessen the impact by ensuring a good supply of flu vaccines and having a quarantine policy in place ahead of time, but the experts agree that even those measures aren't going to stop the virus.

so why all the sudden fuss and the media panic over something the scientific community has known about for like 50 years? like i said, it's all a smoke screen to get our minds off the REAL news.

Anonymous said...

S'funny, I said similar things about a month ago.

Garfer: Are you going to die horribry, horribry?

Herge Smith said...

Anon - thanks for clearing that up, I was just wondering was all.

Faltanus - yeah, noticed that - the media is so in bed with the Reps in the US its sick...

Big ol' smoke screen going on.

Convict - are you suggesting I copied ya? Or that the thing about the vaccine running out?

Anonymous said...

I would never suggest that the mighty Herge has resorted to plagiarism. But I also hinted that the media were creating a massive storm in a teacup.

Rowan said...

loving the picture of big bird at the end, that just puts the final touch on your piece perfectly.