Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Drinks advertisment out of control?

Advert which appeared in a number of 'quality' glossy magazines over the weekend.

Absinthe advert
No wonder young people are out of control - look at these cunts.

Angry Chimp is becoming increasingly concerned that marketing companies are out of control, this advert for an Absinthe Company clearly links the drinking of Absinthe with middle class couple swapping.

Angry Chimp says;

NO to the middle class
NO to dinner parties

to Absinthe being drunk out of brandy glasses.

A line must be drawn.


your mate dave on fish and chips

Monday, May 30, 2005

Crap animal No.12: Human Children

Crap Animals No12
Parents warning: Your children are not special. Sorry.

The on-line dictionary, dictionary.com defines CHILDREN as;

1. A person between birth and puberty.
2. a. An unborn infant; a fetus. b. An infant; a baby.
3. One who is childish or immature.
4. A son or daughter; an offspring.
5. A member of a tribe; descendant: children of Abraham.
6. a. An individual regarded as strongly affected by another or by a specified time, place, or circumstance: a child of nature; a child of the Sixties. b. A product or result of something specified: “Times Square is a child of the 20th century” (Richard F. Shepard).

punch me
You just feel compelled to obey

The on-line lies, spite and bile fest, ANGRY CHIMP defines CHILDREN as;

1. An annoyance until they are old enough to buy me a pint.
2. Something that shits, cries and destroys your social life.
3. Each one is a precious unique miracle despite the current world population standing at 6,446,131,400! (I don’t even know how to say that)
4. An excuse for every parent to have righteous indignation at everything.

Before I launch into a diatribe against children I need to get two things clear;

ONE: I don’t hate all children. There are a couple of brats I sorta like. These include a couple of my friend’s kids (not all of them, mind) and my nephew (I have two nephews but one is now able to satisfy criteria 1 – buying me pints - so he’s no longer a child).

This is my lovely nephew;

Oh and by the way, not a freak, a sweetie

You may have seen him somewhere before. This was taken a few years ago. He looks like this now.

He's a bad one alright

This is what comes of having Angry Chimp as an uncle. It grinds you down.

TWO: Don’t fret folks, any snaps of children on this blog will conform to the UK regulations on kiddie fiddling. This regulation states: Any adult that talks about children, thinks about children, are in the same location as children, ever done a search on google for pictures of children, no matter how innocent, are DIRTY EVIL PAEDOPHILES and should immediately be reported to the authorities;

Kiddie porn
Panda porn is also looked down on

Angry Chimp is now nervous, and certain he is on some sort of register after doing a picture search for children on google for this post - I swear they were all fully clothed (Christ, I hate kids, I certainly don't want to see the disgusting little shit stained abortion dodgers naked!)

Of course, paedophiles are members of an exclusive club, the club of people who love children unquestionably. The only other members of this club are parents. The major difference between paedophiles and parents are that parents don’t get a thrill from touching children’s winkies, and that parents tend to look less like paedophiles than paedophiles.

Loving, decent folk look like this;

Sensible couple with moustaches and sexual repression

Paedophiles look more like this;

they touch kids
Evil, pure evil, all of them.

Children weren’t always crap, in the old days children were supposed to have been seen but not heard. This was a golden age.

Children then looked mostly like this;

angel child
Angry Chimp says this child is an angel.

Now it appears children must be seen, heard, t
reated as equals and be allowed to act like adults.

Unfortunately, the adults these children act like, are the pig thick, over opinionated, aggressively self-centred, socially lacking, cunt holes. You know, like your mate Dave.

Children allowed to act like adults is of course, bollocks.

If anyone under 16 wants to be treated as an adult then they should be given a shitty soul-destroying job, a series of disastrous relationships, which slowly chip away at any vestiges of dignity
and self-respect you may have clung to, and a mortgage. Then they can be treated like an adult.

Regular child
How children really look.

The majority of teenagers are of course vile. Really, truly vile. This is mostly because parents today are rubbish.

This is mine and my generation’s fault.

We thought it was cool to be all modern and try to relate to our children more than our parents did.

There would be no more rules without explanation, no more play that can potentially cause harm to a child (not so much as a scratch) and certainly no child would ever again be sad and be without absolutely everything they wanted.

We were wrong.

This approach has not so much created a generation of well-adjusted, self-effacing, respectful saints; rather it’s created a generation of monsters.

Heaven help us all.

Angry Chimp cannot write anymore on the subject of children because his flesh is crawling.

PLEASE NOTE: The only children that aren’t crap are the ones that are physically or mentally ill. These children are IMMEDIATELY little angels/ brave heros etc... and can never ever ever do any wrong.

That is the law.

regular brat warning

This is a work in progress post, which I will republish at a later date when I've included your feedback (please, I need the feedback man!) and some references to other blogs re: hairless screech monkeys - I'm looking at you Tina and Trillion .

Previous crap animals;

No.35 The Wasp
No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra


your mate dave on the french

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Kidney Swap: LIVE - Viewing figures say it needs dialysis

kidney sway live 1
The old man is about to rip that kids kidney out with his teeth

It is hard truth TV executives do not want to face; the appeal of the reality TV show maybe on the wane.

Recent viewing figures for ITV’s controversial Kidney Swap: LIVE, which saw two senior citizens from same family compete for a chance to receive the kidney of their genetic grandson, have been described by an unnamed source within ITV as, ”fucking awful”.

Kidney Swap: LIVE, the brainchild of production company Raped Asshole, is yet another in a series of high concept reality style game shows. Kidney Swap promised viewers the chance to see a kidney transplant live on air, and a prognosis of ten more years boozing and smoking for the winner, with the loser returning to dialysis and an uncertain future.

Kidney Swap: LIVE, which was broadcast over a two week period at 8pm each night received only 1.1million viewers at it’s peak, the finale, in which the 9 year old kidney donor, Marcus Wellburn, sadly died during the procedure leaving both Huntley Wellburn and Helena Wellburn–Keane, kidney-less and a grandchild down. At it’s lowest point Kidney Swap: LIVE had viewing figures that matched the last Liberal Party Political Broadcast.

Zendra Loontic, the show’s executive produce, said she unconcerned. “We’ve got a very strong format with this show, and the finale, although tragic, will secure us decent sales on our subsequent DVD highlights companion, which is due for release this Monday – the problem with the viewing audience, they want blood letting from day one. We didn’t get blood letting until day twelve”.

ITV have already confirmed that there will be a second series of Kidney Swap: LIVE despite the fall of viewer interest. ITV argues that the gameshow/reality show/ medical drama format will take a second series to really bed in. “Just look at Celebrity Jungle Hunt” said a spokesperson for the station, “It took a second series and the on screen death of Felicity Kendall to start making an impact in the ratings”.

Audience Share3
Death, disease and celebrity - ugrh.


your mate dave on weight

Saturday, May 28, 2005

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 28/05/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 28/05/05

We love each other 280505 2
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Mutant insect threatens love.

Angie Meaden-Bonnel & Marc Bonnel

Angie Sometimes you just have to think about yourself, that has always been my philosophy. Of course, my family were shocked when I left my husband and three children for Marc, especially since I had only known Marc for a week. I have not seen my two daughters and son since. But as I say, sometimes you just have to think about yourself. I had always wanted a double-barrelled name.

Marc We have a mutual love of artists, writers and classical composers. Angie was stuck in a hell of a marriage with a man that drank beer and watched football. She must have been so brave to live like that, she is so sensitive. Angie heard recently that her eldest daughter, Jocasta, was reading Latvian Studies at Brighton University, which is a former Polytechnic. Angie cried for a week, she wanted Jocasta to attend Christchurch College, Oxford, as she had. Craig Taylor

More of the same,



your mate dave on saturday

Friday, May 27, 2005

Dixon-Doo update two (actually three, but that don't rhyme)

So how is the pooch?

The pooch is very happy being fussed and hugged and kissed on the head.

She has physiotherapy five times a day, which depending on how tired she is, she occasionally minds.

Dixon still cannot walk on her back legs, preferring either the drag or carry.

Obviously, this is not good news.

Shaved area
Can you see where she was shaved?

However the deep pain sensation in her back legs is starting to return (slowly), which although is a good sign, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll ever get the use of her legs back – just that she’ll cry in pain if I ever spill boiling hot water on her.

I’m starting to adjust to my new ‘hands-on’ relationship with the dog (as is Dixon) which involves carrying her up and down stairs, up to my garden (I have a tiered garden) and up and down from my lap.

It also involves expressing her bladder, manually. Which is more fun than you’d think. But I don’t mind, bless her. Look how sweet she is.

Yes, that is a star on her head.

Don’t fret though folks, she may still recover the use of her back legs; it’s just a question of time. (And shit loads of physio).

Then again, it may be small wheelbarrow time!


your mate dave on veggies

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

BBC2 unveils Extreme Wheelchair Challenge

Extreme Wheelchair Challenge
BBC2: Wheels on fire...

In terms of out-there game show ideas, it seemed unlikely they would ever top Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge (CEC) or even Death Row Big Brother (Which Channel 4 has a new series of starting this Friday). However, barely a week after the shock finale of the BBC’s smash hit CEC, which subsequently saw all ten constants ‘suicidied’ in a mass gassing, BBC 2 have unveiled their own ‘killer’ reality game show.

Introduced by producer, Jill Henry of Gangrenous Stump Productions, at a swanky West End Hotel, Henry described the format of the show to an increasingly cynical crowd of media reporters.

“Extreme Wheelchair Challenge will tap in to a whole new sector of the viewing public that has previously been ignored” Henry explained, “The psychically and mentally impaired will go head to head in a series of death and dexterity defying challenges to find Britain’s number one”

A keen eared reporter from the Economist asked Henry, of what, the finalist would be number one.

“Erm, of wheelchair users” Henry said, before adding, “The fact is we aim to highlight just how useful people in wheelchairs, and those with learning difficulties, can be”

Asked again to clarify exactly how they would demonstrate their usefulness, Henry bluntly answered, “You’ll just have to watch”.

At this time, no preview tapes are available for the show, although a number of humanitarian groups have already hit out against Extreme Wheelchair Challenge.

Margaret Norris of ‘Wrapped in Cotton Wool’, the children’s welfare organisation, had this to say about BBC2’s planned new show;

“It’s disgusting, I don’t want to see those brave brave wheelchair users, demean and debase themselves in front of a TV audience, just so they can gain the merest slither of notoriety”

Jim Nuttal, a contestant on ‘Extreme Wheelchair Challenge’ describes Norris’s comments as “Bollocks”.

“For goodness sake, just because you’re in a wheelchair, or have some sort of learning difficulty doesn’t automatically mean you have a great nobility about you. It’s that kind of nonsense we need to do away with. And why should it be only the fully able bodied that get to degrade themselves on telly? ”

Nuttal said before adding, “And if it takes me to loop-da-loop whilst my chair is ablaze and a herring is stuck up my arse for people to notice we’re just as pathetically desperate to get our mugs on the stupid box even if it is in a horrifically humiliating manner, then so be it”.

Gangrenous Stump
Another 'quality' TV production house

Gangrenous Stump Productions have yet to confirm that the loop-da-loop is part of the show, although they have stated there will be a number of exciting, visually stunning events.

In fact the BBC has already gone on the record stating there is the possibility that fatalities will occur throughout the six-week run.

The first broadcast from ‘Extreme Wheelchair Challenge’ will be on BBC2 this Friday at 9pm, straight after Gardeners World in Action.


your mate dave on cinema

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Monday, May 23, 2005

Angry Chimp a smash with the ball-less.

castrato academy 3

It looks like Angry Chimp has a new crowd of followers, eunuchs.

Checking out my stats on my hit counter I noticed that my traffic had quadrupled today (up from 4 hits to 16!). With a little detective work and a press of the 'where from' link I found this;

They seem mightly impressed with Angry Chimps show Castrato Academy, which combines eliments of all good BBC2 Arts Shows and Reality Game Shows - Pretentiousness and naffness.

So far these new visitors have said the following about Castrato Academy and Angry Chimp;

Timboy said...
"sounds interesting. how do you get to be on it?"

P3 said...
"Hilarious! I haven't had such a good laugh in a while.
Not that it would be such a bad idea to bring back the tradition - we've all met those who probably SHOULD be taken out of the gene pool, after all, and if it preserves a beautiful voice, well..."

and Ray said...
"I sure hope that this is just a joke site, the thought of it being real is just sick"

Angry Chimp welcomes the eunuchs, eunuch enthusiasts and those sick pervos that find the idea of eunuchs something to wank over. All I ask is that they stick around and sample further Chimp delights, including;

CEC Gatescec porterCEC Vaughan

brain swap celebrity special 1



Child Swap 3

Angry Chimp: with or without balls - you're always welcome.


your mate dave on equal pay

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Saturday, May 21, 2005

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 21/05/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 21/05/05

We love each other 210505
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Two dingalings go a long way.

Angie & Winston Francis

Angie We face prejudice on a daily basis. We cannot leave our house without some idiot shouting at us from across the street. It has not deterred us though; in fact, it has made us a stronger couple. I became Angie back in 1975. I met Winston at the trans-metropolitan bar in Scunthorpe in the summer of ’77. He had the biggest smile.

Winston I didn’t know her when she was Dave; she’s always just been my woman. Friends told me that she was almost complete. There is still a little something about her that is different and part of her old self at the same time. I like to hold on to that when we are alone. Society may never fully accept us, but we don’t care. Craig Taylor

More of the same,


Death Row Big Brother - Redux


It's the show that everyone is taking about.

All the glossy magazines constantly run splash features and the inside gossip, contestant profiles and sound-bite interviews with former lovers, mothers, brothers and victims.

You dare not miss it for fear of being ostracised from modern society. It's got a tighter grip on the national psyche than any child abduction/ murder hunt/ celebrity couple split ever has, and the TV executives milk that cash cow for every last drop of blood stained, government sanctioned, ultra violence they can get.

Not so much TV de jour as TV de vie.

Missed the latest broadcast from the 'house'?

You may as well run a hot bath, drink the largest bottle of black label vodka that your job in media sales will allow for, write a brief but concise note to whomever you erroneously believe gives a damn and run that razor blade down the vein in your left wrist and then down the vein in your right...

Seriously, the show is just that good.

It's the only topic they discuss on 'Radio Brain Damage' when you're blasted from your dreams of contestant number six by 'Electric Justice' the shows theme as performed by the boy band 'Alien:8'.

If you change channel in the shower to 'Thought for the Day', you can nod reflectively as Reverend Rory Rogers prattles on that this is heaven, hell and eternal damnation all in a single viewing with 'best of' highlights at 9PM tonight.

On the platform every front page screams;

"Agony, ecstasy and the last minutes
of Anton Kregger!"

Anton did well to get into the last six to be perfectly honest. With the stutter and nervous twitch he was never going to be the teenage girls wet knicker choice - the largest phone vote group demographic there is.

In the queue for the cabs the suits feverishly gesticulate as they imitate Antons demise, which we all viewed live the previous night.

Laughing like physically deranged hyenas on speed they twist and writhe, perfectly capturing his death throws at the end of the rope. Out of a sense of propriety however, they choose not to follow through with the bowel evacuation.

The cabbie witters on about the time Tom Johns was in the back of his cab and how he apparently left a bloody cleaver behind when he got out.

This is apocryphal of course, it's a well know and well documented fact that Tom's favourite item of kitchen ware/ recreational tool was the fillet knife made by Global, not some cheap horror prop picked up by the vest wearing public at M&S.

Even business meetings are interrupted by frantic speculation as to who will eventually be left and what kind of life the winner will ultimately face with their newfound notoriety.

All the popular (and well paid) pundits gleefully predict the lucky contestant will last approximately five minutes once they are out again in the real world.

"We'll see...", they say before finally starting their meeting which involves occasionally drawing a crude parallel between an issue at hand and the show. Purely to illustrate a point, of course.

God knows they'd all rather be watching the highlights from the past twenty-four hours than discussing anything that can give you a proven business improvement over twelve to eighteen months.

Life is just too short, especially for the contestants on DRBB.

Naturally the highbrow media and news shows stuffed full of self regarding culture commentators and rejects of the intelligentsia, discuss the morality of this new cutting edge format and smugly blame the decline of our society on Mark Canttrell and his production companies genius/ insanity in get DRBB to air in the first place.

DRBB Promo 6

The critics know they are complicit as they blow even more oxygen up this publicity machines arsehole, but the thing is, they need the ratings and the only game in town is DRBB. If they don't talk about it ratings plummet and if the ratings plummet they'll be pulled faster than a fourteen year olds cock on Day 42.

DAY 42?

Not that you can ever forget such great television, but Day 42 was the broadcast in which Jennifer Chadwell was released into the house.

It quickly became known as the weekly challenge that went grotesquely wrong.

Despite the evisceration and associated bloodlust the ratings again soared... so no one really lost out.

Except maybe Jennifer and Jennifers next of kin who were sent her remains in a shoebox.

The thing is this, Jen did sign that release form and she did get her fifteen minutes of fame. Although to be fair, she actually only lasted twelve minutes and seventeen seconds, but then again the time was apparently never stipulated as part of her contractual agreement. And besides which, who was counting when the first arm was severed and the blood gushed forth?

As stated earlier, in terms of a ratings boost it was a major success, eventually leading to the UK being expelled from the United Nations. So for a semi-retard hair stylist from Kent, Jennifer did rather well.

They even had to get the law changed to air it. But change it they did, and we thank them all the more for it.

Long forgotten are the days of television shows with 'real actors' and 'real plots'. If it can't be condescend down to a five word 'pitch', with an optional 'Celebrity' affix, when ratings dip, then we don't want it.

They say it's become the defining moment of a generation.

After all, everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when Canttrell and his production company ''Abortion Tickles', first revealed plans for his new high concept reality TV show;


The concept was beautiful. Take ten convicted murderers currently languishing on death row in prisons across the UK. Put them together in a single house with no guards, no supervision, little or no food, no access to the outside world and then lock the door.

Canttrell predicted that over the ten week period in which the show would air, every TV, radio, mobile phone and PC would be tuned in and watching as events in the house of hell unfolded before our eager eyes. Canttrell was far from being wrong.

The rules of the game were simple;

Ten men go in, only one man comes out.

Each week there is a public vote following the House Convicts (HC) nominations. The nominated HC is then executed live on national TV or grainy live link via the internet.

The HC's method of execution forms part of one of the many competitions run each week by DRBB's sister show;

DRBB: Victim's Revenge.

Last week we had William Batchelor being crucified live in the DRBB garden. This was the winning suggestion from Anna Batchelor aged 9 (no relation) from Whitely Bay, Tyne and Wear.

The finale is set to be an extra special Televisual treat. Simply put, the convict that gains the most public votes has his conviction quashed and can immediately go free. An added prize is that the winner is given carte blanche to kill the runner up in a style of his own choosing.

In the recent Channel 4 documentary;

Mark Canttrell: Execution of Entertainment.

Canttrell states that it was the murder-suicide of Helen Smith and Lee Critchlow during week 6 of Big Brother 17, that opened the floodgates for a whole new wave of ultra violent and ultra slick extreme reality TV Shows, which currently include alongside DRBB;

Wife Rape: Celebrity Special

Concentration Camp Revisited

and the BBC's very own;

Wheelchair: Fight Academy

During the documentary, Canttrell is asked by Elizabeth Hanson the thirteen year old presenter of ITV's flagship nightly news programme 'Hanson News';

"How can you justify exposing the public to such crass, pornographic, debasing and morally bankrupt progamming?"

Canttrell immediately replies;

"People watch it; that's all the justification I need."

Canttrells original goal to have a continuous live feed via all available media channels for the entirity of the seventy day run has so far only been interrupted briefly during day 53, when horrifically a seven year old boy managed to get into the house.

Within moments of the child's presence in the contestants sleeping quarters being discovered, the house was stormed by the production companies own private security team;

Who Dares Bleeds.

Tragically, they were unable to prevent Donald Masterson from claiming his fourteenth victim.

The feed being cut just seconds before Masterson made his cut.

The next morning Canttrell vigorously denied that the frenzied murder of Matthew Wheatly was a publicity stunt to gain further ratings.

He successfully argued that no one was currently watching anything else but DRBB, so what benefit could be had from the staging such a diabolical yet admittedly memorable stunt?

Later, that same day, Canttrells deputy head of production Morton Jaegar, was fired when it was revealed that Jaegar had 'forgotten' to block the web cam feed during the Day 53 incident.

Copies of the bootleg DVD;

Day 53: Masterson uncut!

have been the biggest selling item on eBay for the past 3 weeks.

Donald Masterson is still in the running to be the lucky released winner when the finale finally airs a week this Friday.

Masterson faces stiff competition from the Evesham Slasher - Glenn Jones (known affectionately in the press as Glenda J, due to Jones's predilection for dressing up in his victims clothes) and Marcus Holt, the music teacher bludgeoner from Shoreham on Sea. Holt is both the youngster member of the DRBB household and the contestant with the lowest IQ. 22 and 52 respectively.

As this first season of DRBB draws to a dramatic close we are forced to ask ourselves this question;

"How will we be able to fill the gaping void in our lives when the final contestant is released and the runner up is brutally murdered?"

Is there life after DRBB?

Well...you get to decide for Marcus, Glenda J or Donald if there will in fact be life for one of them after DRBB.

So get voting now, b
ut remember...

DRBB: It's just a question of time.

DRBB Hand Promo

Friday, May 20, 2005

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Don't forget to visit The Hay Festival 2005

Angry Chimp, a keen reader, would like to draw your attention to the 2005 Guardian Hay Festival.

Hay Festival 1
Don't except any of these books to be discussed at Hay.

A celebration of the written word, by authors you've never heard of, on subjects you really don't give a flying fuck about.

Therefore, if you love to 'chit-chat' with the middle classes about Universities they attended half a lifetime ago, but still feel it's of some importance. Or you just love to use big words like Spazacockulated and metaflorically then this is the festival for you.

Angry Chimp will personally be attending the exciting reading of Will Self's latest novel, 'I'm much more cleverer than you', at one of the many charming local pubs in Hay - The Mutilated Child. (On Market Street, next door to The Hung Pensioner).

Angry Chimp hopes to run into you all there.



your mate dave on gay

Wednesday, May 18, 2005