Thursday, December 29, 2005

Angry Chimp at the flicks

Like all fuckhead middle class tossers, bored with Christmas, family, TV and turkey sarnies I found myself at the cinema on Boxing day evening. Worse still I saw the 2nd remake of King Kong.

Here are my top 30 thoughts in chronological order whilst watching it.

1. Hmm, that hot chocolate was far nicer than I thought it was going to be. Who'd have thought that of a cinema. Wish I'd had a hot dog now, I'm starving.
2. Does anyone on the planet find these fucking Orange 'film commissioning' adverts funny? - oh hold up, half the retards in this cinema apparently.
3. Naomi Watts is a fox, she was terrible in Ring, which was itself a really shitty remake, but she was ace in Mulholland Drive.
4. Did she get her barps out in Mulholland Drive?
5. Fuck me, Jack Black is an insanely bad casting decision.
7. I wish that cunt Billy Elliott would fucking die!
8. How exactly did Kong get that big?
9. I think Naomi got them out in 21 Grams.
10. Oh my Christ, just how many times is she 'almost' about to be killed, for fucksake!
12. Why are couples going off to the toilet together?
13. Is she getting all frisky for Kong?
14. What?? Don't hurt the monkey? Look luv, he's just killed loads of people - well fuck them! plus most of them tried to save you, you ungrateful bitch!.
15. I wonder if I casually bumped into Naomi in a bar and pretended not to know who she was, but was funny and charming at the same time, whether she'd go on a date with me?
16. Hah! edwaado just jumped at a really obvious 'shock' moment, prat. Must remember to mention that later in front of as many people as possible.
17. Damn, think my bladder is about to bust, must hold on. Press down on bladder through coat on lap. Don't want to look like a flick wanker.
18. Blimey, could have watched the original and 'Son of' in the time this fuckers taking.
20 Jesus Peter Jackson is fucking terrible for taking forever to tell a story - wasn't like this for Bad Taste.
21. I'm a Derek and Dereks don't run... there's no glowing fingers on these bastards!
22. When edwaado's sister in law said that all brits were pasty and ill looking, did she specifically mean me and edwaado?
23. The one with Dark hair in Mulholland got them out if I recall.
24. Where exactly does Naomi think this relationship with Kong is going to end up?
25. Just fucking DIE already!!
26. Thank God for that, he's dead.
27. Blimey, she doesn't seem much arsed to see Adrian whathisface. Ungrateful cow.
28. I think I may have ruptured something holding on that long.
29. Thanks fuck that load of shite is over. Glad I didn't pay for it (cheers edwaado)
30. Did they establish if he was actually Royalty?


Anonymous said...

Isn't that show 3 1/2 hours? OMFG.... what possessed you to do that?


Jane said...

Cool I'm glad you have reviewed it. I shall be able to show your post to my boyfriend next time he mentions seeing the King Kong.

thordora said...

How on EARTH did you sit thru that.

Jack Black. Ow.

Faltanus said...

wow - you did a whole lot better reviewing the movie than i just did on my blog. but apparently we pretty much thought the same thing. although i have to admit i wasn't quite as obsessed with naomi watts's anatomy as you were.

Anonymous said...

#21. WHAT!? WHAT!? What the HELL did you mean!?

Merry Christmas chap. And a happy new year.

S.I.D. said...

Haven't seen it yet.

Please tell me he eats his own shit and masturbates while in captivity?

Perdita said...

I think you just saved me.
I almost let someone talk me into seeing it.

Wai-Tung Leung said...

This is the 3rd remake of King Kong (and probably not the last...)

And yeah I didn't find it that entertaining either.

MHN for short said...

Wow! Was it really that bad? I think I'll wait to see it, if I ever do.