Crap animals No.18: The Giant Panda

"Oh dear, I think she's looking for some afternoon lovin'. Bugger."

Giant Pandas are one of the most endangered species on the planet, more so than the Liberal American, the modest DJ, or even the Heterosexual TV producer. They are however; less endangered than the interesting blog, so that’s good news at least.

They are black and white bears that live in temperate-zone bamboo forests in central China. Among the best recognized—but rarest—animals in the world, they have come to symbolize endangered species and conservation efforts. As few as 1,600 giant pandas survive in the mountain forests of central China. Another 120 are in Chinese breeding facilities and zoos, and about 20 live in zoos outside China.

So there just ain’t that many of them.

So, what’s the problem?

As far back as I can recall these big, dumb man-in-a-costume looking bastards have been encouraged to breed and increase their numbers. However, they never do. Apparently, captivity has a terrible effect on the male Panda’s member. Making it all floppy and rendering him completely impotent, a jaffa.

Of course, the male Panda will have you believe that out in the wild he’s something of a sex God. Oh yes, out in the forest he’s rutting almost continuously, siring more little furry humbugs than an average chav about town.

But it’s bollocks though, ain’t it? Otherwise they wouldn’t be in the predicament they’re in, if the male panda could get it up once in a while. So it must be a problem that they have out in the bush as well, with the bush, if you like.

I’ve often heard that the male Panda tries to blame the female Pandas, apparently the lady Pandas are a ‘bunch of insensitive bitches’ - male Panda words, not mine. You can often hear them say stuff like; she’s always got that ‘critical’ look in her eye, making the male Panda feel ‘inadequate’.

“Why don’t you break out of here?” She says, “Why don’t you bite that keepers nuts off next time he’s in here cleaning off your winnits, rather than just rolling over on your back and letting him rub your big fat useless belly”.

She says, adding, “And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you manage to get a semi when he does that to you.”

Man in suit!!!

Thing is this, even man, in the form of Charlton Heston, when caged up and chucked a retarded shaz for kicks, will try to escape, but only after he’s given her one.

Not that any man can resist a Nova. One of the best little Vauxhalls around and ideal for a boy racer makeover.

Seems your Panda just can’t be arsed with shagging, not even when his birds gagging for it.

The Smithsonian National Zoological Park has a lovely web cam of their Giant Sods here.

And honestly, a more boring watch there ain’t, worse than any Gus Van Sant or Lars Von Trier flick, believe me - I know, and that’s saying summit right?

If you follow the link on the page you can also see just how much and how often Mei Xiang is up for it, but Tian Tian (there’s a masculine name for a rolly polly killing machine), he doesn’t want even a sniff of her.

Not his type apparently. Daft bastard. I mean how much ‘Panda tang’ does he reckon he’s gonna get in a cage?

YOU’RE FUCKING ENDANGERED!!!

THERE AIN’T NO LITTLE MISS RIGHT – FUCK WHAT YOU CAN!!!

That’s if he can stop licking his balls long enough to notice anything else.

And I find it interesting that the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) have for many years adopted the image of the Panda as their mascot and motif – that’s quite cynical, just because they look like loveable teddies doesn’t make them the least bit credible - you just ask George Lucas – fucking Ewok bastards.

So, that is why they are crap animals.

On the plus side though, I understand that a nice Panda Burger is quite delicious, especially when washed down with a glass of Panda Cola – I thank you.

More of the stupid buggers here.

And if you must, bash the Panda with your mouse for more 'oh so loveable' action;



Previous crap animals;

No. 47 The Zebra