Angry Chimp’s New Year’s resolution.

It is of course entirely appropriate for all bloggers to state their New Year’s resolutions, then as soon as it gets to Jan 3rd realise they have already broken them all.

But not Angry Chimp.

Angry Chimp is made of stronger stuff. When the Chimp makes a resolution, the Chimp will stick to it.

2006 resolutions.

1. I will no longer use my blog as a means to make puerile jokes, unfunny observations or enact general silliness on a daily basis. From Jan 1st 2006, Angry Chimp will contain only serious political writing and philosophical thought. Nietzsche philosophy will become the backbone of Angry Chimp.

2. Angry Chimp will no longer feature Daleks in any form what so ever.

3. On a personal level, 2006 will be the year I finally kick my crack habit. Also my use of prostitutes and the racially motivated beatings, which I dish out to people of colour every Friday and Saturday night, will finally come to an end.

4. I will no longer strangle cats for a weird sexual kick.

5. I will finally make an effort to get into ‘quality’ popular music such as Coldplay and the masterful James Blunt. I hope by March to be able to listen to Katie Tunstall without wanting to tear off my ears and/or kill small children with a blunt kitchen knife.

6. 2006 will also be the year that I learn to read and write in English.

7. Angry Chimp will no longer feature Dachshunds of any kind.

8. Angry Chimp will be renamed ‘Calm Chimp’, and all those who visit will be treated with respect; all comments will be answered; and a general feeling of well-being will be the order of the day.

That is all.

Happy New Year, peasants.

Angry Chimp's top 10 movies of the year - Part Two

Following warm on the heals of Part One of my top 10 movies of 2005 HERE, Angry Chimp presents the exciting run up to the absolute best movie of the year - no question about it - definative - fuck you if you don't agree - list.

5. Hop'ung – directed by Ma Jong

Masterful Korean flick that manages to exhilarate whilst it explores the hidden Korean sect of Hop’ung.

Dog licking, Kid snapping and Homorcide are just a few of the crazed elements that make up this truly unique movie.

You won’t see this in your local grind house or movieplex. For aficionados only.

4. Bum – directed by Jenny Monkliver

Former Playmate favourite Jenny Monkliver won the Palmed Hor at Cannes this year for this riotous comedy set in a proctology clinic during the fall of Saddam Hussein’s Iraq.

Two brothers who run find that their livelihood is threatened and then destroyed by the invasion of Iraq by the infidel forces of corrupt warmongering madman George Bush, resort to a life of panhandling on the streets of Baghdad.
The UK Guardian described Bum as “a red hot poker up the bourgeoisie of the West”. They went on to suggest that if you did see it in of the Arthouse dotted around the capital’s (London) west end that it’s best enjoyed with a the cities trademark (and divine) sliced feta cheese on a olive crushed ciabatta, with an earl grey and a close friend for intense duffel coat discussions post movie.

3. Liver and Bacon 3: The Circumcision – directed by Seagate and Todd Baskerville

More outrageous gross-out comedy from the dynamic brotherly duo of Todd and Seagate Baskerville.

LB3 continues the trials and tribulations of Marcus Dogbiscuit as he enters his 20s and finds that life is still as unpredictable and fraught as it was in the original Liver and Bacon and LB2: Nocturnal Emissions.

Stand out gross out moment of the flick has to be the scene in which Dogbiscuit is forced, through a series of twisted accidents/ coincidences, to eat the remains of his post circumcision foreskin. Comedy gold.

2. The Radio Times – directed by Tony Chad

The greatest of the unfilmable literary works, The Radio Times is best known in the UK as the weekly source of all TV & Radio programme times.

Taking as it’s kicking off point the infamous 2003 Christmas special edition, (traditionally a double edition covering the entire 14 day Christmas period) in which all the film and TV reviews suggested that it would be far better to not sit like a google eyed amorphous blob of barely sentient lard with crackish addiction to the litany of ill conceived and poorly made idiot eye candy, but rather to go out side and get a rare breath of fresh air.

A bold and brave experimental film which seems to pull off the impossible feat of being faithful to its source material and at the same time providing the viewer with an informative experience. I at least came away knowing what was coming up on telly over the next 7 days.

1. Sōbetsukai – directed by Mimi Kobiyashi

It’ll come as no surprise to anymore who reads this daily film coloumn that Sōbetsukai (farewell party) is my top flick for 2005.

A delicate and charming morality tale of a Nagasaki Salaryman who embarks on a journey of self discovery as he leaves his beloved Japanese homeland for a post retirement life as a restaurateur in the former British industrial heartland of Horsham, West Sussex.

What follows is in equal parts romantic, comedic and delicious as Tanaka-san (Martin Kuraku) strikes up an unlikely relationship with local girl Edith Jennings (Natalie Parker).

You simply must make the effort to see Sōbetsukai as soon as possible.

That was my top 10 films of 2005.

My most anticipated films of 2006 are currently:

Will Hay – biopic of the 1930’s comedy legend staring Johnny Depp.

Super Bomberman –harrowing tale of a suicide bomber attempting to destroy celebrity TV chef Jamie Oliver’s restaurant 15.

Annie Hall – remake of the classic Woody Allen pic with Jessica Simpson playing Annie Hall and 50 Cent playing the role previously portrayed by Woody Allen

How we brought democracy to Iraq – Disney’s post Pixar future continues on previously uncharted territory with this unlikely CGI docudrama. Worth looking out for.

I think you’ll agree 2006 is already shaping up to be a very exciting time for cinema.

Angry Chimp's top 10 movies of the year - Part One

Continuing in the vein of my film review yesterday, here are my top 10 films of the year - in pant wettingly exciting ascending order.

10. Cheese, my name is Ron - directed by Marcus Humuscoffer

A heartrending (although sporadically bittersweet) documentary about a Korean child that was born with a freak medical condition Stephacockaliticus that left him with a lump of Stilton instead of a head.

I will openly admit that I cried during the scene in which Kim Ron tried to explain to a confused waitress why a ploughman's Lunch was not an appropriate meal.

9. Sleep now - directed by Michael 'Doc' Surgeon

A gentle British comedy of manners in which the central protagonist Harold Shipman (Martin Freeman) accidentally on purpose euthanasia 250 old codgers.

Particularly amusing is the scene in the courthouse as Shipman, brilliantly played by a bearded Freeman explains that he should be praised not vilified for getting these 'coffin dodgers’ out of the way for family's who really did not give a fig about them anyway. Side splittingly funny.

8. Prisoner - directed by Dollar Change

Controversy met the announcement that former rapper Dollar Change was going behind the camera for the 1st time to helm the big budget Hollywood reimagining of this UK cult classic.

As it turned out, Prisoner was a roller coaster ride of shoot-outs, car chases and adventure as No.7 (renumbered in a corporate product placement deal with Max Factor) fights for the truth behind his imprisonment in a closed gated community in California’s affluent Rancho Palace Verdes.

Thrill of the movie: A gravity defying sex scene / shoot out/ car chase - had to be seen to be believed.

7. Schindler's List - directed by Wang Gong

Another remake hits my top ten, but it's a goodie - a remake of Spielberg’s ponderous 1993 'Holocaust' movie, relocating the action from war torn Germany in the 1940's to the heady excitement of an audition for Endemol entertainments smash hit Big Brother reality TV show. In a surprising twist Oscar Schindler is the name of the Producer who ultimately decides who gets into the house, condemning all the unlucky hopefuls to a life without 'Z' grade celebrity status - a life not worth living.

Heart stopping moment of the movie has to be the scene in which the 10 new contestants to the house voluntarily shave their heads and take a communal shower - the audience is lead to believe they will find no water here, only a chemical laced shower of death. Sadly, Radox shower fresh is the only chemical they ultimately face and tragically, they all leave the shower alive.

6. Le Garçon et La Lune - directed by Pierre LeDong

Art house smash that crossed over into mainstream cinema, undoubtedly helped along the way by starlet Gabrielle Gigiolous very tabloid relationship with former UK home secretary David Blunkett.

Le Garçon is a whimsical tale of French style free love in an age of decontructivism and vagina warts. A mixture of Jean Paul Sartre and Readers wives gives the viewer a peak into the lives of disaffected French youth who prize the visceral pleasures of pretension over the concrete realities of iPods and dog shit. A joy.

END OF PART ONE - TOP 5 NEXT.

Angry Chimp at the flicks

Like all fuckhead middle class tossers, bored with Christmas, family, TV and turkey sarnies I found myself at the cinema on Boxing day evening. Worse still I saw the 2nd remake of King Kong.

Here are my top 30 thoughts in chronological order whilst watching it.

1. Hmm, that hot chocolate was far nicer than I thought it was going to be. Who'd have thought that of a cinema. Wish I'd had a hot dog now, I'm starving.
2. Does anyone on the planet find these fucking Orange 'film commissioning' adverts funny? - oh hold up, half the retards in this cinema apparently.
3. Naomi Watts is a fox, she was terrible in Ring, which was itself a really shitty remake, but she was ace in Mulholland Drive.
4. Did she get her barps out in Mulholland Drive?
5. Fuck me, Jack Black is an insanely bad casting decision.
6. COME ON!! WHERE'S THE FUCKING MONKEY????
7. I wish that cunt Billy Elliott would fucking die!
8. How exactly did Kong get that big?
9. I think Naomi got them out in 21 Grams.
10. Oh my Christ, just how many times is she 'almost' about to be killed, for fucksake!
11. COME ON!! GET OFF THE FUCKING ISLAND!!!
12. Why are couples going off to the toilet together?
13. Is she getting all frisky for Kong?
14. What?? Don't hurt the monkey? Look luv, he's just killed loads of people - well fuck them! plus most of them tried to save you, you ungrateful bitch!.
15. I wonder if I casually bumped into Naomi in a bar and pretended not to know who she was, but was funny and charming at the same time, whether she'd go on a date with me?
16. Hah! edwaado just jumped at a really obvious 'shock' moment, prat. Must remember to mention that later in front of as many people as possible.
17. Damn, think my bladder is about to bust, must hold on. Press down on bladder through coat on lap. Don't want to look like a flick wanker.
18. Blimey, could have watched the original and 'Son of' in the time this fuckers taking.
19. COME ON!! CLIMB THE FUCKING EMPIRE STATE AND HAVE DONE.
20 Jesus Peter Jackson is fucking terrible for taking forever to tell a story - wasn't like this for Bad Taste.
21. I'm a Derek and Dereks don't run... there's no glowing fingers on these bastards!
22. When edwaado's sister in law said that all brits were pasty and ill looking, did she specifically mean me and edwaado?
23. The one with Dark hair in Mulholland got them out if I recall.
24. Where exactly does Naomi think this relationship with Kong is going to end up?
25. Just fucking DIE already!!
26. Thank God for that, he's dead.
27. Blimey, she doesn't seem much arsed to see Adrian whathisface. Ungrateful cow.
28. I think I may have ruptured something holding on that long.
29. Thanks fuck that load of shite is over. Glad I didn't pay for it (cheers edwaado)
30. Did they establish if he was actually Royalty?

Sorry for the delay

Those fucking green elf shorts are on their way, honest. It may not be worth the wait though, plus everyone knows I'm going to send them to Tina whatever.

Only kidding, it'll be fair and square.

THE FIVE HUNDREDTH POST

Coming soon...

500 part one

Hergé Smith’s Poems for the Toilet - A REJECTED Proposal

A Proposal

Hergé Smith’s Poems for the Toilet
(And other nonsense for your convenience)

Concept

Hergé Smith’s Poems for the Toilet is a collection of humorous poems and funny articles, with the poems and articles becoming a series of narrative and chronological threads that run throughout the book.

What this means for the reader is that the book can easily be picked up and read for short periods of time, such as the titular trips to the toilet, when travelling by train/tube, during a work break etc.

Conversely, it is possible to read ‘Poems’ for longer stretches, where the underlining story structures in the poems and articles will be more readily identifiable, and appreciated.

Content

It is to be a combination of short text and image pieces. Certainly the Angry Chimp blog is always a constant mixture of both, ensuring that it never becomes too staid, and gives returning visitors a ‘what will it be this time?’ feeling.

The book will stand out based purely on it’s range of material which alternates easily between gentle, such as the gardening pieces, to harsher attacks on the mainstream media (game show coverage), to the plain silly such as poems about trainers, Dachshunds and limericks which are never about someone from anywhere.

For example;

Chapter 1: January
· Poems about serial killers/middle class children/agoraphobic creatures.
· Diary entry about contracting Stephacockaliticus, a disease affecting the sufferer’s ability to regulate the volume they speak at in public and their class.
· New games shows for the New Year including Death Row Big Brother (Channel 4) and Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge (BBC)

Chapter 6: June
· More Poetry
· Diary entries (in remission)
· New season of game shows including Castrato Academy and Child Swap.
· Gardening pages from ‘The Flatland Gardener’, with tips for growing and keeping Triffids.

Chapter 10: October
· More Poetry
· Diary entries (worsening health)
· New season of game shows including Extreme Wheelchair challenge and Celebrity Outing: Live
· Pets corner: Tips/ advice on owning Mogwai.

Etc, etc.

Interspersed throughout the book will be comic strips, articles on ‘crap animals’ and a cutout and keep range of ‘honest greeting cards’ for all occasions.

This is how I have always structured my blog; you can visit for the first time and get something from it straight away, alternatively, frequent visitors notice reoccurring motifs and ideas.

Target audience

The main audience for the book will be people who are a tiny bit media savvy, like amusing books albeit with a slight ‘alternative’ tilt.

How it will look

Something between a scrap book, diary and school book. Think Adrian Mole/League of Gentlemen ‘My Scrap Book by Tubbs’.

Conclusion

Dear Herge Smith, your idea is bollocks. Please do not contact us again.

The End.

The Middle Class Child - 4.1.12

Aged four years, one month and 12 days, Esmé is accompanied by her daddy, Marcus, to her first Violin lesson. Both her mummy and daddy hope that Esmé will develop a love and appreciation of classical music as they both did at her very young age.

Playing the violin will also instil in Esmé a sense of conscientiousness, dexterity and responsibility. All admirable qualities for a four year old little girl, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Esmé likes to play violin because her case is pink with lots of little red flowers on it, and her teacher Agatha (or Aggy as she prefers to be called) is kind and smells of hot cinnamon. This evocative smell reminds Esmé of Saturday mornings when she queues patiently with her daddy in the Boulangerie for their reserved pain de champagne, portion of foie gras and a small but delightful marquise au chocolat, which Esme is allowed to eat all to herself.

Dalek and Borg 24

The Middle Class Child - 3.4.21

Esmé is playing with her friends, Jack and Jessica. Jack and Jessica are brother and sister.

Esmé does not quite understand why Jack looks quite so different to Jessica. She decides to ask her mummy.

She asks her mummy in exactly the way her mummy has taught her to ask questions, which her mummy always says will help her learn as much about the world as possible.

“Mummy?” Esmé asks, “Can I ask you a question please? Why does Jack look different from Jessica?”

Her mummy immediately stops what she is doing (which is writing a very interesting article for a Sunday magazine about modern mosaic designs for interior decoration) and explains to Esmé as clearly as possible, the distinction between Jack and Jessica Cavanagh.

“Jack”, Lizzie says, “is adopted. That means that his mummy and daddy couldn’t keep him. So Jessica’s mummy and daddy decided that they would take care of him instead. They did this because they are very kind, and have enough love in their hearts for both Jack and Jessica.”

Esmé now aged three years four months and 21 days thinks for a moment before saying,

“No mummy, why is Jack olive colour with brown eyes and black hair, and Jessica is pink with blonde hair and blues eyes?”

sh'm atim magazine advert (Guardian 17.12.05)

mum, where's my dalek?

Christmas card for all my readers

Dalek and Borg 23

FGES - 25.12.05 (12.25.05)

Sh'm Atim