To honour the eighth anniversary of that useless, thick-as-shit, 5/10, toffy nosed, over-exposed, leach - Princess Diana, Angry Chimp is proud to reprint another piece of cutting edge journalism that no one read when it was first published way back in May of 2005.
Breaking News: Following the recent marriage of Prince Charles (72) and his long-term companion and ‘friend with benefits’, Wendy Richards (87) star of the BBC hit documentary series EastEnders and Star Trek: Enterprise (now thankfully cancelled due to being crap), Clarence House have finally bowed to public pressure and released a press statement regarding the current whereabouts of the former Princess of Wales, Diana.
The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, and former funny man Tony Slattery (also known as that 'fat posh prick that, thank fuck, isn't on the telly much anymore') to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.
"Not that it’s any of your business", started Slattery, "But Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry are extremely touched by your support blah blah blah, however scarily fanatical it is. Erm where the hell was I?"
"Oh here we are, it has been a difficult time for the Royal Family following what we believed was Diana’s tragic death on ITV’s Extreme Game Show, Celebrity Jungle Hunt. However we can reveal with great joy that Diana is in fact alive and well."
At this point the crowed erupted with a group of approximately 200 Diana supporters screaming and crying hysterically.
As Police attempted to calm the mob, a chant of ‘Diana the Messiah’ began.
It took almost an hour before the crowd was subdued enough for Slattery to continue.
"Diana is alive and well, and she thanks you all for your support but asks that you respect her decision to withdraw from public life. Prince Charles and his boys also request that you honour Diana’s wish, and this matter now comes to an end, because frankly they are pig sick of you proles going on about her as if you knew her, which you didn't."
After making the statement, Slattery refused to be drawn further on the matter.
Speaking at a hastily organised press conference, Liz Morrell, spokesperson for the National Diana Support Group said this of the Royal Statement;
"It’s basically bollocks. We have known for years that she did not die beneath that huge boulder on Celebrity Jungle Hunt. This is just more of the same, a massive cover up by the Royal family, the Establishment and the Government to keep us from the truth."
Ms Morrell was asked by a reporter from the left leaning Daily Mail to explain exactly what the truth was.
"They wanted her out of the way because Charles was dicking that dried up old bag Pauline." She said, before adding,
"They’ve got Diana, England’s Rose, forced into sex work in Blackpool, giving hand jobs for five quid a pop."
When Morrell was again asked to further explain, she said;
"And she’ll give you a blow for twenty, full sex is fifty, but she won’t take it up the arse, not anymore, not since the prolapse."
Liz Morrell declined, however, to explain how she came by this information but did leave on this cryptic note:
"Why do you think the Royals are making this statement now?"
Sarah Ferguson, former Duchess of York, also known as ‘Fat Arse’, by the media, said she was pleased to hear Diana was alive.
"It wasn’t right for her to die like that, beneath a huge rolling boulder. Not after she’d done so well to dodge the spikes, the spiders and the bottomless pit; it was a crying shame when she was unable to outrun the boulder. I kept telling her to take something to wear on her feet other than sling backs, but she was such a martyr to fashion."
She went on to add that Diana was probably avoiding seeing her children again due to her disappointment with how they have turned out.
"Diana was a lot of things, but she certainly was not a crushing bore like William; honestly he could turn wine into water he’s so dull."
As for Harry, the disappointment takes a backseat to hatred;
"Diana was a humanitarian, she didn’t mind touching the sick and the poor, or middleclass as I believe they are known. She was also partial to a bit of ‘black’ and ‘beige’ hence her shaggathon with Dodi Fodi."
Fat Arse suggests that Harry’s leadership of the BNP would have had her turning in her grave,
"Now it appears she’s alive, I just can’t imagine the utter contempt she must feel for her own son. Mind you, he is a disgusting, moronic, drug addled little bastard, so it probably isn’t that hard to imagine."
She said before adding,
"And that’s coming from a fellow ganger".
The Duchess of York also commented on Diana’s husband Charles (they were never divorced as Di was listed as Reality Game Show KIA).
"It was never a proper marriage, she considered him less of a husband, more of a father. Like Luke Skywalker’s relationship with Darth Vader, she thought she could save him from evil. She was wrong. ‘Course now he’s married his own Emperor, it’s dark side all the way."
As to Diana’s alleged activity in the sex business, Sarah Ferguson had an alternative spin on this theory;
"I think it’s more likely she wanted to work in a massage parlour or knocking shop. She was forever ‘palming’ the servants, male or female. She was voracious, a right dirty little slapper she was. I couldn’t keep up with her, we would have rutting competitions, I would be red raw and she would be doing DV and DVDA with the biggest grin on her cum splattered face."
Adding, "I bet she loves getting dick 24/7, filthy whore".
Despite the public statement, Clarence House are currently keeping Diana’s exact whereabouts a secret.
Of course, it can only be a matter of time before any one of the legions of Diana followers locate her.
If and when this happens, you can guarantee that Angry Chimp News will be the first to get an exclusive interview with her.