Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Princess Di forced to be Blackpool sex worker - anniversary REDUX

To honour the eighth anniversary of that useless, thick-as-shit, 5/10, toffy nosed, over-exposed, leach - Princess Diana, Angry Chimp is proud to reprint another piece of cutting edge journalism that no one read when it was first published way back in May of 2005.

Diana, Princess of Blowjobs

Breaking News: Following the recent marriage of Prince Charles (72) and his long-term companion and ‘friend with benefits’, Wendy Richards (87) star of the BBC hit documentary series EastEnders and Star Trek: Enterprise (now thankfully cancelled due to being crap), Clarence House have finally bowed to public pressure and released a press statement regarding the current whereabouts of the former Princess of Wales, Diana.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, and former funny man Tony Slattery (also known as that 'fat posh prick that, thank fuck, isn't on the telly much anymore') to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

"Not that it’s any of your business", started Slattery, "But Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry are extremely touched by your support blah blah blah, however scarily fanatical it is. Erm where the hell was I?"

"Oh here we are, it has been a difficult time for the Royal Family following what we believed was Diana’s tragic death on ITV’s Extreme Game Show, Celebrity Jungle Hunt. However we can reveal with great joy that Diana is in fact alive and well."

At this point the crowed erupted with a group of approximately 200 Diana supporters screaming and crying hysterically.

As Police attempted to calm the mob, a chant of ‘Diana the Messiah’ began.

It took almost an hour before the crowd was subdued enough for Slattery to continue.

"Diana is alive and well, and she thanks you all for your support but asks that you respect her decision to withdraw from public life. Prince Charles and his boys also request that you honour Diana’s wish, and this matter now comes to an end, because frankly they are pig sick of you proles going on about her as if you knew her, which you didn't."

After making the statement, Slattery refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Speaking at a hastily organised press conference, Liz Morrell, spokesperson for the National Diana Support Group said this of the Royal Statement;

"It’s basically bollocks. We have known for years that she did not die beneath that huge boulder on Celebrity Jungle Hunt. This is just more of the same, a massive cover up by the Royal family, the Establishment and the Government to keep us from the truth."

Ms Morrell was asked by a reporter from the left leaning Daily Mail to explain exactly what the truth was.

"They wanted her out of the way because Charles was dicking that dried up old bag Pauline." She said, before adding,

"They’ve got Diana, England’s Rose, forced into sex work in Blackpool, giving hand jobs for five quid a pop."

When Morrell was again asked to further explain, she said;

"And she’ll give you a blow for twenty, full sex is fifty, but she won’t take it up the arse, not anymore, not since the prolapse."

Liz Morrell declined, however, to explain how she came by this information but did leave on this cryptic note:

"Why do you think the Royals are making this statement now?"

Royal Wedding Pt2

Sarah Ferguson, former Duchess of York, also known as ‘Fat Arse’, by the media, said she was pleased to hear Diana was alive.

"It wasn’t right for her to die like that, beneath a huge rolling boulder. Not after she’d done so well to dodge the spikes, the spiders and the bottomless pit; it was a crying shame when she was unable to outrun the boulder. I kept telling her to take something to wear on her feet other than sling backs, but she was such a martyr to fashion."

She went on to add that Diana was probably avoiding seeing her children again due to her disappointment with how they have turned out.

"Diana was a lot of things, but she certainly was not a crushing bore like William; honestly he could turn wine into water he’s so dull."

As for Harry, the disappointment takes a backseat to hatred;

"Diana was a humanitarian, she didn’t mind touching the sick and the poor, or middleclass as I believe they are known. She was also partial to a bit of ‘black’ and ‘beige’ hence her shaggathon with Dodi Fodi."

Fat Arse suggests that Harry’s leadership of the BNP would have had her turning in her grave,

"Now it appears she’s alive, I just can’t imagine the utter contempt she must feel for her own son. Mind you, he is a disgusting, moronic, drug addled little bastard, so it probably isn’t that hard to imagine."

Proud of the Royals
Cunt. And us fucking Brits pay for the wanker.

She said before adding,

"And that’s coming from a fellow ganger".

The Duchess of York also commented on Diana’s husband Charles (they were never divorced as Di was listed as Reality Game Show KIA).

"It was never a proper marriage, she considered him less of a husband, more of a father. Like Luke Skywalker’s relationship with Darth Vader, she thought she could save him from evil. She was wrong. ‘Course now he’s married his own Emperor, it’s dark side all the way."

As to Diana’s alleged activity in the sex business, Sarah Ferguson had an alternative spin on this theory;

"I think it’s more likely she wanted to work in a massage parlour or knocking shop. She was forever ‘palming’ the servants, male or female. She was voracious, a right dirty little slapper she was. I couldn’t keep up with her, we would have rutting competitions, I would be red raw and she would be doing DV and DVDA with the biggest grin on her cum splattered face."

Adding, "I bet she loves getting dick 24/7, filthy whore".

Despite the public statement, Clarence House are currently keeping Diana’s exact whereabouts a secret.

Of course, it can only be a matter of time before any one of the legions of Diana followers locate her.

If and when this happens, you can guarantee that Angry Chimp News will be the first to get an exclusive interview with her.

Why the world hates America - reason no.136

yeah right!
Fuck me, the arrogance is almost breath taking.

Our Iraq
Seems more appropriate, somehow.

Quick, lets organise a 3 minute silence - I'll sort out the ribbon.

Only joking though folks, in reality I'm very anti-hurricanes, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if Katrina was part of an Al Qaeda cell hell bent on the destruction of the US way of life.

Meme time - TV children I want to see die

I was recently tagged by Dry Sausage over at Forced Arse Sucker to name 5 TV children I would like to see murdered/ killed, and the method of their death.

The rules of this fantastically fun meme (aren’t they all?) state that I should also suggest a new type of murder/death… so here we go.

1. Boxey from original Battlestar Galactica – Buggered to death by a pit bull.
2. Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer – gutted like a mackerel with an old mans dirty big toe nail.
3. David Platt from Coronation Street – Drowned in a vat of Vera Duckworth’s diarrhoea and sickness.
4. DJ Conner from Roseanne – hacked to death with a joke free sucked dry Zoom lolly stick.
5. Adric from Dr Who – killed by being onboard a spaceship that crashes into prehistoric Earth.

New method of murdered – eaten alive by a wild pack of council estate scallies, starting with the extremities and moving inward.

That’s me meme duties done - next I would like to nominate –

Clem Jones at Abba is not the Only Fruit
Hilary over at Wednesday Dry Wankathon

Dalek and Borg 20

Dalek and Borg exterminated out 1
Dalek and Borg exterminated out 2

Dalek and Borg exterminated out 3

Check out previous Dalek and Borg at their own blog

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Bargain Basement movie reviews


I was recently asked by Lord Bargain over at The Bargain Basement to contribute to his series of bloggers fav movie reviews.

You can read about what does it for me here

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 27/08/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 27/08/05

we love each other 270805
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Money can't buy me sanity

Richard & Irina Porter

Richard I have Beatle pants; John Lennon’s face on my penis and Ringo Starr’s head on my arse. They were of course the single greatest cultural achievement of human kind. I am not exaggerating. Last year I corresponded with a man in the Iowa state correctional facility in the USA who had an envelope that George Harrison had once licked. I traded a few hours with our 7-year-old daughter Eleanor for it. She is more of Sutcliffe fan, so it was only fair.

Irina I do not like the Beatles. Of course, this is acute obsessive-compulsive disorder, which in his case manifests itself as an obsession with this particular beat combo, and an intensely overrated one at that. The incident with our daughter was his most extreme act to date. He claims he loves me for who I am, a simple girl from Georgia, but I think it might have more to do with the fact that Paul fingered me in a mop closet when I worked as a staff nurse at the hospice that cared for Linda. Craig Taylor


D&B test card

Friday, August 26, 2005

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Dalek and Borg 19

Dalek and Borg internet

Dalek and Borg internet 2

Dalek and Borg internet 3

Dalek and Borg internet 4

Dalek and Borg internet 5

Angry Chimp will be back in full force soon!
In the meantime, why not check
out previous Dalek and Borg at their own blog

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Monday, August 22, 2005

Generic back garden photography

Setting trends is exhausting, this is why I have decided it is high time I simply start to follow blogging suit and publish some of my snaps that I have taken in the garden.

Obviously, this is the easiest and least original of blogs you can do, other than, "I walked downstairs and knocked my knee on the coffee table" and/or "I hate work". Moreover, after last week’s mammoth 'Over 2 U Friday' I feel like I need and deserve a break.

So here we are, a generic back garden photo, courtesy of Angry Chimp.


Miles 4

Fortunately, I do not suffer from entomophobia, so I was able to get up nice and close to this little fella. You may have previously seen this chap HERE.

Can anyone tell me exactly what this wee chappie is?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Dalek and Borg 18

Dalek and Cylon 21
Dalek and Cylon22
Dalek and Cylon23
Dalek and Cylon24
Dalek and Cylon25
Dalek and Cylon26

Check out previous Dalek and Borg at their own blog

Saturday, August 20, 2005

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 20/08/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 20/08/05

we love each other 200805
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Thank God for the brolley!

Sara Bursey & Luis Muñoz

Sara We do not just do this as a weekend hobby; frankly, those people are the weirdo’s and perverts. No, this for us is a fulltime endeavour. Obviously, the first thing people ask is if it gets cold during the winter. Of course it does, although I think our skin has toughened up significantly. I can stick pins into his bottom and he does not even flinch. He does ask me to do it quite frequently, so I can only assume he gets something out of it.

Luis Luis Her breasts did not quite reach her belly button when I first saw her shopping for Preparation H in the Guildford branch of Army and Navy. They are down to her knees now; that is the only draw back with having had ten children and not wearing a bra since 1967. Mind you, my penis has not got any longer and I have not worn Y-fronts since the Beatles split up. Craig Taylor

Friday, August 19, 2005


Over 2 U Friday

It's finally here - OVER TO YOU FRIDAY. And what a response!!!

Thank you all for taking parting, and taking the time to come up with all your fab 'chimpesque' posts.

I've been trying to decide how to presenting them all, and have decided the best way is to have individual posts. This means that you can easily link to your own work if you like, and/or email them to friends and enemies.

I won't post anything new until Saturday evening, and I'll resort all the posts around, so those at the bottom will be near the time - you get the idea.


I'm hoping I haven't missed anyone out - If I have SORRY - Let me know and I'll sort it out.

Anyway, enough of me - OVER TO YOU...


Our 3rd and final 'We love eachother' and also our final post from for this 'Over to you Friday'.

Of course, the final post goes to
Tina from Cakesniffers Beware!

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment

we love each other - Tina

Tina Cakesniffer & Max Mousesniffer

Tina I remember the very moment eleven years ago when I first set eyes on him; I have adored him ever since. I was devastated when he got run over and his legs had to be pinned back on, but with lots of TLC, he made a remarkable recovery. He is very special and he loves it when I accompany him on his walks, and also when I do my special whistle to call him in at night. He gets into some tight spots though, but I love him so much – I have even broken into houses to get him out. He is the best cat ever.

Max She is a fucking pain, she will not leave me alone. I was supposed to be going to another home, but I am sure that she killed those people so that she could have me. Eleven years on and I am still stuck with her. She really embarrasses me at night by insisting on following me around the streets, and she does this stupid whistle that makes all my friends laugh at me. I wish she’d go away.
Craig Taylor

Dalek and Borg by Lord Bargain

Final show from the mighty twosome, over heard by
Lord Bargain in his Bargain Basement

Lord Bargain Dalek
Lord Bargain Dalek2

The Librarian Degree by Ship Creak

Our final poem comes hot from the keyboard of
Ship Creak at Up Ship's Creak Without a Paddle

The Librarian Degree  - Ship

Missing scenes from Star Wars - Steve Dix

Apparently they're just laying around - here's more from
Steve Dix at

missing scene dix 4
missing scene dix 3

Your mate Dave by Spirit of Owl

A daring re-imaging of Dave from the very lovely, but
Slightly Imperfect - Spirit of Owl


The Librarian Degree by edwaado

More limerick hi-jinks from
edwaado over at the Fridge-Mag.Net

The Librarian Degree - edwaado.


The 2nd 'We love each other' - (and a bit political) from
Faltanus - A Semblance of Sanity

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment

we love each other - Faltanus

Laura & George Bush

Laura Well at first I sort of thought that the vacant look in his squinty little eyes, the way he makes up words and abuses English grammar, his weasely little chuckle were all kind of cute. You know, endearing in a way. So the 12th time he asked me out I finally said yes. I thought it might be good for a few laughs. Then I found out about the alcohol and cocaine abuse and I knew I had found someone I could rescue. Of course what really sealed the deal was meeting his family. The first time I met his mother Barbara, she took me aside and said, “Georgie is going to propose to you and you are going to accept. You are going to be a member of this family dear, and there is something you need to know. You do not want to fuck with this family. Tow the line, play your part, and you will be fine. Cross us, and you wont live long enough to regret it.”

George When I first seen her at a party I was like, “Damn! I gotta have her!” So then I asked her out like a bunch of times but she was always like, “no, I gotta wash my hair,” or something. And then this one time she said, “yes,” and I was like, “oh, yeah! I’m gonna get me some!” And you know I wasn’t thinking about how to make a uh, you know, uh, impression for tomorrow you know like for marriage or something. But after our first date I knew because she didn’t, you know, slap my face or, uh, give me a fake phone number or walk out or anything. So when I called my mom she said, “don’t worry Georgie, we will take care of everything.” But then my friends were like, “dude, no other tail for, you know, the rest of your life? No way dude! You’ll never make it!” But it was too late. Mom had already fixed things. Craig Taylor

Missing scenes from Star Wars by Swiss Toni

More theft from the Skywalker Ranch, this time by
Swiss Toni from Swiss Toni's Place

missing scene SWISS
missing scene SWISS2

Never trust a Dalek by Lord Bargain

Here he is - Never trust a Dalek by the very posh
Lord Bargain over at The Bargain Basement

never trust a dalek Bargain

What's yr take on by MHN for Short

It's a 'What's yr take on...' from the lovely
MHN for Short over at Dreamer's Reality
(I will be republishing this next week as a proper talking point post)

What's yr take on MHN


I wasn't expecting anyone to do a 'We love each other' - and I got 3! This is the first masterpiece from
Garfer over at Tunnocks Teacakes For Ever

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment

we love each other - Garfer
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Running away together...

Kate Moss & Pete Doherty

Kate When I first set eyes on Pete I knew that he was the (next) one for me. As a premier rock chick and black widow, I couldn’t help but fall for him. I might be just a little Croydon thickie, but I see myself as a noughties Anita Pallenberg. Pete is my Keith Richards, and is perfect as a rock appendage. I’ve always been a bit bulimic, now I can carry it off as heroin chic! I love that thing that Pete does to me with his crack pipe when we’re naked in the Jacuzzi together.

Pete As a poet and rock god, I need a bit of fluff to make me look good in the tabloids. I really love Kate, and it’s got nothing to do with me being smacked out of my head constantly. Kate is very adventurous sexually: I love it when she says, “put it away Pete, you’re embarrassing me”. Kate knows I’m really something. What with me always being in the papers, having access to great Colombian gear, and getting paid suitcases full of cash, she knows she’s onto a good thing. She looked dead sexy at Glasters with her bijou wellies and micro skirt; you could almost see her fanny. I see Kate and myself as true soul mates. Craig Taylor

The truth via greeting card by Lord Bargain

It's always hard to take, but here it is, from
Lord Bargain and his Bargain Basement

Happy 1st Birthday Bargain

Missing scenes from Star Wars by Steve Dix

Another missing scene from Star Wars has been discoved by
Steve Dix at

missing scene Dix 1
missing scene Dix 2

The Monday Interview by Invisible Lizard

A longer piece now, based on The Monday Interview from
Invisible Lizard' s Unusal Oranges

The Monday Interview - Foamy The Squirrel

Since it was first discovered that Foamy has been blogging under an assumed name (which, according to our lawyers, will *not* be revealed here), we at the Angry Chimp have wanted nothing more than to land an exclusive interview with His Almighty Squirrelness. Apparently, threats of "outing" his online nom de plume (which we can only say contains the words "turniplover" and "wunderkind" – and if you can't figure it out at this point, there's no helping you) were sufficient to garner the favor.

Foamy: Well, he kids seem to love him.

1. How long have you been blogging?

I've been blogging since you were drooling over Mrs. Lingonberry's funbags in the seventh grade. I've been blogging since before blogging was even possible. I blogged in morse code by stringing out nuts on the fucking freeway, that's how long I've been blogging. I was the first blogger, ever. "Blogging" is actually squirrel for "Bitching to the universe which may or may not listen." Bet you didn't know that.

2. Why did you start blogging?

I needed a voice, man. A voice! I'm a fucking squirrel. Nobody takes me seriously. But on my blog, I am a GOD. Hordes of lazy myrmidons bow before me and follow my every whim. I've got them making soap at the moment.

3. How many posts have you written to date?

A billion. Something like that. Or... could be fifty. Somewhere between fifty and a billion. Closer to fifty.

4. Which post are you most proud of and why?

I'm proud of each and every one. They come from the heart. I mean, I'm usually high on Mountain Dew and Rediwhip when I write them, but that just helps me find my inner squirrel. Hey, it's deep, serious shit I'm writing here. I guess if I were to break it down to my favs' I'd have to say my ongoing debate on tail grooming positions is right at the top, though I wouldn't throw my "Best With Salty Nuts" piece out of bed,

5. Who was the first person to comment on your blog outside of


6. What would you rather have less visitors but more comments or many
visitors but no comments?

Since all the comments I get anyway are from fucking idiots, I could scrap them in a heartbeat and not lose any sleep. Give me the visitors any day. Once my hit counter reached the seventh digit, it kind of plateau'd, if you know what I mean.

Helen: Old, but still a fox.

7. Is there something you would like to post about on your blog, but
haven't yet?

Yeah, my date with Helen Mirren with all the juicy details intact. Like that's ever going to happen. Fucking "cease and desist" order. (Helen, call me...)

8. Where do you get your inspiration from for a blog?

Just the stupid shit I see around me every day. You know, like skinheads in line at Starbucks, or PTA mothers boycotting Harry Potter, or Republicans.

9. Do your friends/family read your blog?

Oh, yeah, and I'm about to puke. Germaine's totally bought the "I'm a reformed communist from Utah" story. She's been slobbering over me for about a month now. She's ready to donate her eggs to have my baby. She's my virtual bitch.

10. How many blogs are there in your links list?

I link to every blog that I feel is worthy of my personal attention and support. So... none.

11. Which blog do you check out first and why?


12. Do you always leave comments at blogs you read?

All the time. I love leaving annoying spam all over the place signed "Anonymous." I think I do it because I resemble a moldy dog turd, have the general odor of a lump of toe-jam, and sport an incredibly small penis.

13. What do you most like about other blogs?

How inferior they are to my own.

14. What do you most dislike about other blogs?

I hate it when they get funnier than mine. That's when the spam starts flying. So keep it up chuckles, and I'll be all over you like cream cheese on bagels.

15. What single thing would you like to improve about your blog?

Scratch-and-sniff links. They've got computers that can answer your phone, record your favorite TV shows, and make your coffee in the morning, but I still can't duplicate the smell of Pilz-E's sweat socks at the click of a mouse. What the fuck has Microsoft been doing over there in Redmond?

16. In a conversation about your blog, how would you like it described?

Using mutilsyllabic words, with awe and reverence, while facing south and standing on one foot.

The aforementioned 'small' penis.

The Librarian Degree by Dave

Our first limerick has been crafted by
Dave, the scooter commuter

The Librarian Degree - Dave

The truth via greeting card by CK

Next up is an honest greeting card from
CK over at The Fount of Useless Information.

Divorce CK

Dalek and Borg by Dr Max

1st Dalek appearance of the day, courtesy of
Dr Max at That One Blog

Dr Max